The Privilege of Cuteness

CW: mentions of alcohol and Christianity






So today my friend Alex and I had a conversation that I want to feature on here. It started out as just them asking my opinion on acting "cute" when that's not how you feel and somehow escalated into an analysis of emotional labor and how women in positions of privilege are seen as inherently cute - that is, fragile, delicate, innocent, loveable, feminine, and nonthreatening - and can use that against marginalized people. Since privilege, and lack thereof, was pretty relevant to the conversation, I'll list ours.


Alex is a white Brazilian agender butch lesbian who doesn't experience transmisogyny. They were raised Christian but are now an atheist exploring secular traditional witchcraft. They're autistic, have PTSD, are in the Cluster-B range for personality disorders, have sensory issues, have lofw empathy, and are a survivor of intimate partner violence from an ex-boyfriend.


I'm a mentally and physically disabled white, non-Latinx American, born and raised, who uses mobility aids (knee braces, and I've considered a cane for when I'm having trouble walking; due to a family history of MS, I'm thinking of asking my doctor to investigate this joint pain before it gets out of control) and is unable to drive independently because of how weak my eyesight is. I'm a woman-aligned genderfluid, gender nonconforming wlw with a strong sga preference, and I don't experience transmisogyny. I was raised Christian but am now pagan - specifically, Hellenic revivalist, but with a healthy dose of animism, pantheism, Unitarian Universalism, and general eclectic neopagan shit thrown in. I'm also incredibly fascinated by druidry and Gaelic polytheism (especially the goddess Brigid) and would love to explore that someday.


So I decided to share it on here. If you're curious, we were speaking English, because the only Portuguese I know are swear words (I heard Alex swear once when someone had been rude to them, and put it into Google Translate later out of curiosity) and their English is completely fluent.










Alex: Can you give me your opinion on a random thing?


Me: Yeah.


Alex: What do you think of people who fake a personality? Like someone who's usually grumpy and tired but fakes a warm, happy-go-lucky personality around others.


Me: Well, I usually am grumpy and tired because chronic pain and sensory issues are just so fucking fun. Which is why I think you're fine, you're not doing anything wrong.

Alex: I see. I used to like, do that a lot on Tumblr to be honest. I was even the type that would put those cute Japanese emoticons on every personal post. And I was thinking I should do that again.

Me: Sounds too much like work, I wouldn't bother. Besides, you'll eventually crack and lose followers online and friends in real life and then people will be pissed because you're not some perfect little neurotypical who's happy and pleasant all the time. So the only time I ever fake a personality is at work and that's only because I'd get fired if I swore at people.

Alex: Yeah but like, you know those people here that are always showing a ~soft~ personality?

Me: You think they're faking it?

Alex: Like even the colors in their blog are soft and they reply to every anon message with "ILY!!!" and shit. And I didn't say I think they're faking it. I was going to say I envy that.

Me: Yeah I used to want that but, like, fuck it.

Alex: People used to follow me on that blog, thinking I was cute.

Me: And also a lot of women in positions of privilege do it too, have you ever noticed that?

...

Alex: I mean that instead of a cute little angel, I'm more like a tiny angry gremlin.



Me: Same.



Alex: And like, sometimes it kinda sucks to be like that because no one finds it cute but yeah.



Me: Maybe it's a misogyny thing, because men aren't ever under the same assumptions to be cute, unless they're Asian or LGBT or something. Or GBT, I should say, because they can't be L. But women are, and it's like an expectation of emotional labor, that we're always expected to be cute. Especially sapphic women and even more so gender nonconforming sapphics. When I first realized I was sapphic, I was so desperate to be seen as cute because I didn't want to fulfill the "angry man-hating lesbian" stereotype. And even though I wasn't a lesbian, as a bi girl I was vulnerable to a lot of that. So maybe you're going through the same thing.



Alex: Yeah, I know what you mean, like, just by liking girls, you think people are going to think you hate men and want to like, kill your father and brother and stuff just cause they're men. Because people teach us to feel like that. At least I was taught to feel like that, like everyone's going to think that about me if they know I'm into girls.



Me: Right, and remember Jacob? The meninist guy from my church who my friend and I yelled at for slut shaming girls. I told you about him once and you said he reminded you of your brother.



Alex: Yeah. I think part of the reason men are uncomfortable with wlw is because they don't understand us. So, mystery territory or something.



Me: The other girl that was there, Marie, she identifies as a lesbian now but back then she thought she was aroace. So when she talked about feminism, as an aroace, it was cute and progressive and cool. But she didn't really get that I don't have the same luxury because as a disabled nonbinary butch, I was and am constantly seen as threatening and irrational and expected to police my anger more than other women.



Alex: Yeah like, I know you said aroace but I feel like if a woman who men think is available to them talks about feminism, it's not so threatening because they can still sleep with her and sexualize her.



Me: And also that expectation for wlw to always be calm is especially strong for wlw who aren't cis. Because with trans women, they're told they're tr**nies or men, or they're laughed at and shouted down and expected to be quiet for cis women. And for us (Alex and I are both afab nonbinary, specifically an agender lesbian and a genderfluid sapphic), like...so many anti-feminists, including trans men who are anti-feminist, are just like "LOL kek shut up, snowflake tumblrina".



Alex: Back to the "acting cute" thing, I probably can't do it.



Me: Good. Cute people are annoying. Fuck cute.



Alex: I'm usually more...I don't know, I think I'm more the type to defy people? Of course there are moments in which I get intimidated.


Me: I can relate. I almost always feel like I have to walk on eggshells around straight women, especially if they're also cis. And a lot of cis women in the discourse (the discourse has a lot to do with how we became friends, so it generally features into a lot of our conversations), I feel like they act like fragile little flowers about trans issues, like they'll talk about it as if they have the right to say anything at all. And they'll be transphobic, and when a trans person calls them out, they'll get so upset and act like the trans person is a predatory misogynist who just wants to shut poor, innocent little cis women out of LGBT spaces. As if being a woman or being gay exempts them from cis privilege.*


Alex: Yeah I've seen that a lot, but I meant more with my family. For example, if an old relative of mine is at my house and like, they see a m/m or f/f couple on TV kissing, and they go "Oh my god, two women/men, so it's like that nowadays" or something. It's expected of me to give them the Death Stare while saying "Is there a problem?" Or if someone I know says "Family is a man and a woman" or something like this, I'll most likely be the first one to say "Not necessarily" or "You're straight up wrong".

Me: Reminds me of my grandparents. My uncle, my grandpa's brother actually, is gay and I had no idea until my mom had her friend over and I overheard them talking when i was supposed to be asleep because they were drunk and kind of loud. This was only a year and a half ago, and I've known his boyfriend ever since I can remember but until pretty recently I had no idea they were a couple. and they fucking live together, they used to have a dog even. And these same grandparents, they sent my mom and her siblings to a private catholic school because they didn't want them to be around black kids. It's like, with white women or straight women or cis women or whatever, men who share that privileged identity think the women are too delicate and fragile to be exposed to the underbelly of society. Which, according to them, is LGBT people and people of color. And since privileged women tend to align more with their privilege than their womanhood, the women just go with it and repeat those ideals. Which is why, for example, straight women can sexually harass us and get away with it. I think this is even the reason for that one Jim Crow law about "familiarity toward a white woman" and how that was basically the worst crime a black man could commit. And you've probably heard women of color joke about white women's tears. I can definitely see where they're coming from.

Alex: I can see what you mean. Usually white women, especially gentile, non-Latinx white women, are not very interested in fighting misogyny side-by-side with Latinx women and Jewish women and women of color because it's "too tiring". They're not too tired to fight for themselves.

Me: It's because they're seen as cute and innocent no matter what they do, and they can weaponize that against marginalized people of all genders.

Alex: And because of their privilege, the misogyny they experience isn't that big.

Me: And they can claim they're for all women, but they call marginalized women "divisive" when they, or we, talk about issues specific to that intersection of identity. And yeah, I'm so tired of the "All blank experience an equal amount of blank." Like, a rich, white, cisgender, abled gay or bi man is never going to be at the same risk for homophobic violence as we are. A rich white cishet abled dyadic gentile woman doesn't face the same violence from the patriarchy as a less-privileged woman.

Alex: Sure, all women and female-aligned people are affected by misogyny but there are women who are so privileged that if you ask them to give you an example of a moment in which they experienced misogyny, it's very possible that they'll say they don't recall anything. I literally knew girls like that.

Me: There's a reason that women of color and LGBT women and disabled women are more likely to be feminists than abled white cishet women. By the way, is it okay if I use this conversation in a blog post? Like on Blogspot. I'm calling it The Privilege of Cuteness.

Alex: Yeah, sure!

Me: Okay thanks!!

Alex: I mean, feminism attracts us more than it attracts them, for very obvious reasons. If you're talking about intersectional feminism, that is. If you mean liberal, white feminism, it definitely attracts cishet white able-bodied women since it seems like a fun, feel-good aesthetic. Just an excuse to say you're cool for being a girl. It's not really a necessary thing.

...

Me: Okay, I have to get to class now.

Alex: Have fun!

*Specifically, I was thinking of the time a seventeen-year-old cis bi girl was pushing the idea that cis bi people don't have to be sga. As a nonbinary person who has had chasers use this idea to fetishize me, I was understandably annoyed, but I tried to call her out gently. She kept being willfully ignorant and ignoring everything I said, telling me I was being biphobic, and cissplaining, and I finally just snapped at her because she'd pushed me to that.


So she got upset and kept trying to tell me that I had power over her and was taking advantage of this, as a nineteen-year-old. Which is bullshit, because seventeen-year-olds aren't fucking babies, I was only two years older, and the only "adult" things I've ever done, besides college, were drink alcohol, go to a casino, and occasionally act as the "adult supervision" for my younger cousins. She was clearly only bringing this up to distract from the fact that as a cis person, the power she had over me was far greater than any power I have to theoretically buy condoms and lottery tickets and shit. But I was shut down pretty quickly, because this is a trick that cis women use a lot against trans people when called out: making themselves seem vulnerable and innocent so we look like bullies by comparison.