If they're working they're not flirting, a PSA for strangers everywhere

Dear Boys and Men who flirt with Cashiers and Waitresses,

I have been working entry level customer service jobs since I was eighteen and I feel like I should mention that were kinda sick of you. 

People in customer service related positions are literally paid to be polite to everyone who talks to them. A smile is not an invitation to ask for someones number, or when their shift ends, or if they have a romantic partner, that behavior from you is absolutely terrifying. 

I personally have dealt with this behavior only three times in my career, each one was on a day when I was endeavoring to present as feminine with full makeup, nice hair, and a slightly friendlier attitude for completely unrelated reasons, and I will now list them  to give you an example of how it can be some scary shit.

On the first two occasions I was working at a gas station food court 24 hour workplace, both incidents were on the night shift when I was alone in the food court but not alone in the station.

Incident 1; Midnight; Pre-prepping a batch of cookies to be baked the next morning; A large tow truck driver entered the court and ordered a sandwich, which I of course began preparing for the fellow. things start out business as usual, I'm preparing the food, and smiling and answering random regular questions about the business and how many customers generally arrive during the season, because it is a particularly busy day of the year. Then things get creepy. The person starts flirting "you have a pretty smile" "I like your hair" "do you have a boyfriend" (unrelated note I had a girlfriend at the time and as this was a small town in the south I was not about to mention her to a stranger) I answer no because i don't understand flirting and was just answering on automatic, the questions got creepier. "do you want one?" "what time are you off?" "I could give you a lift home". I am now terrified. luckily this incident ended swiftly as a large man working in our truck repair area showed up on his lunch break and acted like a pushy customer to boot the man out of line, the other man left because our truck guy was scary af.

Incident two; Eight pm To midnight; Working  my usual stuff; the other employees actually nicknamed this incident "the creeper"; An old man showed up and started asking the women working with me about their sex lives and marital statuses, he continued to harrass me after all the other food court employees were gone, as soon as I was able I retreated to the backroom to prep food, I heard the bell ring and went to the door only to find the man behind the counter. I went through the side door which leads to a hall to the bathrooms and got the manager who had a few of our truck repair men escort "the creeper" out of the building. I got calls from my coworkers later in the day when I was at home having a four hour anxiety attack, they seemed concerned.

The third incident was at my current retail workplace I was working the late shift as the final cashier of the night and a man came in smiling and asking about my day, he was the second to last customer of the night, he was asking if I got off when the store closed, I said no, he asked for my number, I said no, he got louder, the old woman behind him in line threatened him and he left. when I finished my shift I stayed inside until my mothers van could be seen outside, his vehicle was also visible outside. I called my mothers cell phone and told her to drive to the front while I wiped off my makeup, messed up my hair, changed my shirt in the bathroom, and slid on my jacket that hides my chest very well, I don't think he recognized me because we were not followed.

Every time a man flirts with a customer service worker these are the incidents we think of

Leave us alone

-Mod Frey

Yuletide Recipe Ideas

Just some things I found for the final Sabbat of the year.

Recipes For A Pagan Soul

Yule Celebration Teen Recipes

Yule Recipes: Food To Delight The Tastebuds

Yule Cooking

On The Intersection Of Arophobia And Misogyny

Recently on Aven, there was a thread - mostly dominated by women and nonbinary people - in which aros talked about the "You'll Meet The Right Guy Someday" speech that so many arospec DFAB people have gotten from our families and friends. I commented something that a lot of arospec women apparently found relatable, about how allosexual aro women, specifically, are affected by amatonormativity, arophobia, and our culture's weird mix of sex-obsession and sexual repression.

Here's the comment: (CW: slut shaming, misogyny, heterosexism, sexualization of children, amatonormativity, arophobia, romance mentions, sex mentions)

I'm bisexual aro and I keep hearing people say things like this. If I mention my romance repulsion, I'm told that "romance isn't bad". No it isn't, but amatonormativity is and could you stop assuming that everyone innately wants to date?

And I feel like things like this are especially harmful to aromantic allosexual women. From a young age, romance is pretty much shoved down our throats. It's in virtually every piece of media we consume. It's what saves Cinderella from an abusive family, wakes up Sleeping Beauty and Snow White, turns the Beast human. Romance is considered a defining factor in what makes someone human, what makes life worth living. And the romances that we saw as children were always always always between women and men. They always included traditionally attractive white men "saving" traditionally attractive white women, and we internalized the belief that men needed to save and protect us.

Then we would go to school and see other little girls, straight little girls, go boy-crazy and not know what to say when they ask us who our crushes were. We'd be "reassured" that we'd have one someday.

We'd listen to our mothers talk about how good girls didn't have sex, especially not with boys they weren't in a serious romantic relationship with and DEFINITELY not ever with other girls, and hear laughingly about how we might not have any crushes on boys right now but we'd meet one some day. We'd listen to our fathers talk about how boys just wanted to use us - what is it with men attacking other men but then turning around and accusing feminists of misandry? - and how we weren't allowed to date until we were thirty, as if it was inevitable that we'd be straight. We were told that we were Daddy's little girls, extensions of our parents but not truly people in our own right.

When we got older, all our friends would get into monogamous, heterosexual romantic relationships and we'd wonder why we weren't interested. If we were sexually attracted to other girls, we would be told that girls like that were disgusting and predatory. If we were sexually attracted to boys, we were told that we were sluts and bitches for wanting sex with boys but not dating them. And god forbid we be attracted to both.

From the mainstream gay rights movement, we'd hear all kinds of "affirming" rhetoric about how love was love, how everyone felt love, how love was what made us human. But then how come we didn't love the same way everyone else did? For aromantic LBPQ girls who didn't feel platonic or familial love either, did they even feel human at all? 

We were told that being gay wasn't about sex - as if there was anything wrong with being a girl and wanting and enjoying sex with girls - but for us, it WAS. It WAS about sex, and because of that we were made to feel that we were "bad lesbians" or "bad bisexuals", that we just had internalized homophobia, that we weren't really gay or bi if we didn't want to date women, that we were justifying homophobia by being sexually attracted to women but not romantically. 

If and when we entered a queerplatonic relationship, we were told that we should call it friendship but at the same time heard language that devalued friendship while putting romance on a pedestal. "Just friends", "more than friends", "serious relationship" (as if friendship couldn't be a serious relationship), "friendzone" (as if we owed men, or anyone else for that matter, sex for being nice to us; as if our friendship was a punishment or a consolation prize). As aros, our friends in romantic relationships would treat us like background noise, always secondary to their romantic partners but still come to us to talk about them whether we wanted to hear it or not. As women, we were expected to do everyone else's emotional labor for them and to not have any needs of our own. As aro women, we were expected to be okay with all of this.

Aro women shouldn't be expected to be okay with ANY of this. 

If you also identify, at least partly, as an arospec woman, comment and share your own experiences with the intersection of arophobia and misogyny.

Holiday Carols That Aren't About Christmas

With the radio not playing any songs for holidays besides Christmas, I thought non-Christian people of faith (like myself) in the western world might have been tired of not hearing anything about our own wintertime - or summertime, if you live in the southern hemisphere - holidays in music. That's why I'm making a playlist of non-Christian holiday songs that I found and liked. We'll be including Karina Skye, the Maccabeats, Matisyahu...all that good stuff. Enjoy!

Share the Light - Karina Skye (good for any religious holiday in December)

Candlelight - The Maccabeats (Chanukah)

Miracle - Matisyahu (Chanukah)

Milad Un Nabi songs (Milad Un Nabi, and please note that I know exactly zero words of Arabic)

Sikh Devotional Songs (I don't know what Sikhs celebrate this time of year, and I also speak exactly zero words of Punjabi)

Religious Hindu Songs (While we had a unit on Hinduism in World Religions, we didn't cover December holidays and Google isn't turning up anything.)

Yule Pagan Songs - A Playlist By Miguel Viana

Wiccan Yule Songs - a Playlist By Rose Hayden

Shine - The Maccabeats (Chanukah)

Happy Hanukkah - Matisyahu (Chanukah)

Feel free to submit a link in the comments, and Happy Holidays! )o(

My asexual experience - mod frey

To give the readers a bit of backstory I'd like to start by saying that i grew up in a town, and family, wherein asexuality was never mentioned. As in I literally didn't know that was a thing that existed until I was about sixteen and I didn't think it was a real thing until I was eighteen years old. That kinda makes growing up ace a bit difficult.

Where I grew up all the other in my school would talk about love and sex as though they were mutually exclusive and the adults would constantly talk to the AFAB kids as though marriage and children were the endgame, The ultimate goal, Our most desirable outcome. The "sexual education" course we took in high school had a segment where we were taught that we would need to "fulfill only our husbands needs" and because I did in fact live in the semi southern united states I went to a church where my pastor actually had a sermon about how women "belonged to their husbands" and how we should "always be ready to please him". I realize that the marriage and children bit has little to do with asexuality but when you and every other kid around you thinks sex is an inevitable thing in marriage, you kinda join the two topics in your head.

I should have known I was asexual when the girls around me would talk about how attractive such and such was or the boys would mention what they'd like to do at some point and all I could contribute was "i heard their good at some silly thing I also like"

I should have known I was asexual when my friends were hooking up and all I thought about it was "whatever"

I should have known I was asexual when a girl I'd been with for a while tried to get intimate and I just kept thinking about how far I was in Skyrim and how hard the next bit would be.

There are many other, possibly more relatable, examples of how I should have known but I am uncomfortable sharing them

I found out what asexual was from my gay friend, and he made fun of it constantly. I asked my Aunty about it and she said "some people are just prudes" I honestly started to think that asexuality was just some silly thing people said they were to get attention.

When I was eighteen and starting to figure out that I exist outside of my "friends and family's" perception of me I actually started looking into what may be going on with me.

Why didn't I want to be with my girlfriend?

Why did I have trouble seeing how people could be interested in other peoples body's?

Why didn't I want what other people wanted?

I looked up asexuality to understand a friggin Tumblr post and somehow something in my brain went "OH THAT? THATS IT! THATS ME!" I didn't really accept it until I'd read the satanic bible and felt really friggin validated by what LaVey had to say on the subject, even if it is a bit shallow.

I spent the next three years To This Date tryng to explain to my family and friends that 'yes this is an actual thing!' 'No I have not decided to be a nun someday!' 'NO I am not trying to avoid coming out as a lesbian for fricks sake mom I already told you!' 

That's my asexual experience in a nutshell I guess, not very interesting but it's basically the bare bones of how everything went down.

Satanism! In a Nutshell

LaVeyan Satanism can be summed up in the Nine Satanic Statements, which I will now list word for word and comma for comma straight from the satanic bible itself.

1. Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence!

2. Satan represents vital existence, instead of spiritual pipe dreams!

3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom, instead of hypocritical self-deceit!

4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates!

5. Satan represents vengeance, instead of turning the other cheek!

6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible, instead of concern for psychic vampires!

7. Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his "divine spiritual and intellectual development," has become the most vicious animal of all!

8. Satan represents all of the so called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification!

9. Satan has been the best friend the church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years!

That doesn't sound too bad does it? but to be kind I think I should clarify what was meant by these words instead of just throwing them at you with no background information.

The first statement says indulgence over abstinence, some people may be thinking "this means the rumors about satanic orgies and pigging out on everything good to eat must be true!"

 They are not and I am offended if you thought that. This statement is actually just saying that a Satanist does not have to follow some silly moral code about never indulging in sexual activities of whatever variety or relationship and that if a satanist wants to eat, than they should be allowed to eat. The Bible later goes on to state that either of these should be done in moderation to suit ones individual needs not just the views of others in society.

The second statement is pretty clear. It just means that you should live the life you are living instead of living for hopes of an afterlife full of all the things you weren't allowed to have or do in life, shouldn't have to write that one down to be honest but everyone has their beliefs.

The third statement is talking about the dangers of willful ignorance and narcissism, see Tumblr's anti sjw movement for references.

The fourth is pretty easy to explain it just means that the people who are good to you and make you happy deserve kindness far more than anybody who treats you poorly, including family and very long time "friends". Just to clarify this also means that you don't have to love your family "just because you're family"

The fifth may seem just a bit harsh, but I'm going to blame that on televised revenge tropes. Vengeance in this context means fighting back instead of letting people walk all over you, it means not pulling your punches when telling someone they've hurt you, it means that when someone is being an ass you clapback. It does not mean spending twenty plus years in your basement plotting their demise.

The sixth is...harder to explain. A psychic vampire is a person who latches onto someone else and uses them for money, or encouragement, or any kind of help really, without ever offering anything back and when they do offer anything they hold it over you for the entirety of your relationship, whatever that relationship may be. This statement is saying that these kind of people should be let go, cut off, just removed from your life so you may focus on yourself and the people who actually make your life better.

The seventh is self explanatory, or at least I think so, but I'll clarify. It means that we are no better than animals because, shockingly enough, we ARE animals. It does not mean that we should act badly though.

The eighth is referring to the Seven Deadly Sins moreso than the Ten Commandment sins after all a few of our rules DO line up with a couple of those commandments, like not murdering or stealing anything.

The ninth, I think, is just a bit of humor LaVey felt was appropriate during the time he was writing the bible.

That's Satanism in a nutshell, 

Mod Frey

Otherkin Is Not A Gender

TW: transphobia, rape mention, murder mention

Despite not identifying as ace anymore, I still have an account on Aven. And there's been a debate on the Hot Box of said site about otherkin and whether they should be treated as validly as "transgenders" are (if you can't tell, the thread mostly had cis people in it and they're usually the ones advocating for otherkin).

So trans people are treated as valid, apparently????? There's no conversion therapy, no job discrimination, nobody staring at our bodies or fleeing in fear when we're in public facilities, no kids being kicked out of their homes or harassed at school, no corrective rape, no trans women of color being murdered basically every goddamn week? I might have a life expectancy of eightysomething instead of around 40??? Like, holy fuck. I had no idea. Why didn't someone tell me, so I could cash in on this sudden wealth of privilege I have?!

Really though, I have no problem with the otherkin and therian communities as a whole. I believe in reincarnation and the multiverse theory, if only as possibilities that I have never been given conclusive proof are incorrect. So sure, if that's how being otherkin works...it could be possible for them to actually exist.

My issue comes when they (especially the cis ones) consider kin/therian/fictive identity an axis of oppression or compare themselves to trans people. The ONLY experience comparable to being transgender (except possibly being intersex or gender nonconforming) is being transgender, and to imply otherwise is transphobic.

Yes, even if you're trans. I don't consent to having my gender compared to being otherkin. Nor do I consent to having my gender compared to a white woman wearing blackface or an abled person identifying as "transabled". Neither does most of the trans community, as far as I know. Comparing our identities, without our consent, to those of ableist, racist transphobes is...well, ableist, racist, and transphobic.

I was peacefully reading through the thread, rolling my eyes at the ignorance surrounding trans identity and the usage of the words "transgendered" and "transgenders", when I came across a comment from a cis man that actually ate away at my patience a little. Blah blah blah how can trans people complain about being misgendered when they do the exact same thing to otherkin...

And the minute I pointed out why this was transphobic without censoring my anger like a good little freak, every cis person on the goddamn thread lost their shit. Cissplaining, whining, feeling entitled to an opinion on transphobia, telling me there wasn't anything transphobic in the comment even after I fucking re-analyzed it for them. At one point someone reported me to the admins and one of them came in and helpfully advised that we "not make personal attacks". Really? When a trans person tells you, a cis person, that you're being transphobic, your first response should not be to run to mommy and daddy crying about how the meanie transgender called you a name.

Something else that pissed me off was that there was just so much cis privilege and such a double standard in this comment. Cis people, especially cis men, have the luxury of being as nasty and awful as they damn well please and still never being misgendered for it. Trans people can't do that. Our genders, according to cis people, are something they grant to us - if we earn it. Namely by kissing their collective ass and being white, abled, thin, and conventionally attractive according white cis norms.

Don't tell me that this is just the internet. I KNOW it's the internet.

I also know that the internet is where the privileged feel free to express views they know feminists won't let them get away with in real life. It's where cis men sexualize and slut shame teenage girls and rail against Planned Parenthood and feminism with barely any consequence but cis women and trans people are called transphobic and sexist slurs if we fight back, where white people commiserate about affirmative action and immigrants stealing our resources without fear of retribution from the big scary black people, where cishets whine about how LGBTQ people are just too offended by homophobia and transphobia, where Nicki Minaj and Beyonce are shamed for showing off their bodies but Miley Cyrus is praised for doing the same thing with hers, and where "autism moms" complain together about how fucking hard it is to be a class-privileged allistic white cishet woman with a disabled kid.

The things cis people say about trans people on the internet are the things they think about us in real life. And as much as I don't want to care, as much as I'd like to believe that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about people like me, I know it does.

Trans people aren't the legislators who have the power to change my life and sign away my rights with just one document, or the administrators who prevent trans teenagers from learning about our cultural history in school, or the ones correctively raping us, or the ones who care more about their petty feelings than about our physical safety.

Trans people aren't the ones not caring about trans lives until they're just a hashtag on that same internet that has the power to make so much change.

A Follow-Up

I feel like my last post set up being cis as some kind of default. So...it's not.

A lot of trans people argue that if you don't have dysphoria, especially body dysphoria, you're not really trans. They're called truscum.

Truth be told, I sort of see where they're coming from. I hate the idea of someone identifying as trans for "political" reasons, and I know that's something some people do.

And there can be some sexist motives behind choosing to take on that identity if you're not dysphoric and you're either masculine and DFAB or feminine and DMAB. There's no reason cis women shouldn't be masculine and cis men shouldn't be feminine. There's nothing wrong with being that.

I also agree with the truscum beliefs that we need to prioritize dysphoric people before non-dysphoric people and that cis people shouldn't get a say or an opinion in the fight between truscum and tucutes, no matter what their thoughts on the subject are.

But I also know that gender identity is way more complicated than discomfort with your chest and junk. Biological/assigned sex is a rather irritating social construct that, in a lot of ways, many people would be better off without. And a lot of intersex people feel that their intersex identity is directly linked to, or influences, their gender. A lot of neurodivergent people, myself included, feel the same way about our disabilities.

I don't identify my gender as my neurotype and I don't feel that my neurotype IS my gender. But the two do seem to be linked.

I hate the idea that only cis people should be able to feel completely comfortable and safe in their bodies or happy with their genders, and that trans people become cis after transitioning. That's transphobic and cisnormative as hell. It's not like oppression just magically goes away after transitioning, either.

There's an Ollie Schminkey slam poem where the writer talks about how they knew they were queer and transgender. They talk about how being trans is so much more complicated than being born in the wrong body, like a lot of cis people assume. How, for them, it's more like the problem is that other people use their body to "chain me to woman, to lady, to girl - silly girl, you don't get to decide". How they can only love their chest like a good cry, how they weren't born into the wrong body but into a world that doesn't allow them to define what that body means.

I love that poem.

Look, some trans people really do feel they were born into the wrong body. One trans man whose blog I read once said that he felt like "somebody ran off with my dick before I was born".

He's no less valid than I am. I'm no less valid than him. Being trans is different for everyone.

And no matter what our experiences are, there's no reason it should be a default for us to identify as cis. Because cis is not the default setting.

Why I Can't Just Choose To Be Cis

CW: gender dysphoria, Christianity, homophobia, transphobia, self-harm maybe?

I thought I was done explaining this. Apparently not.

Okay, during Thanksgiving break last week I ended up trying to explain to a cis person how many cultures with only two genders are white and/or Western. The source I used contained some problematic, cisnormative language, but it was all I had.

Her response? "Well, these aren't all genders. They're more like gender roles. If you're a female who's masculine, why can't you still identify as a female?"

I swear to gods, she's not a radfem. She's a conservative Christian, in fact.

But this should tell you a lot about radfems. Most of them are misogynistic cis white women who hate bi women (but they pretend to love us, they just wish we allowed them to police our identities and lived our lives by their rules), intersex people, trans people, and sex workers, have a shitty concept of consent and sexual empowerment, think they know more about being trans than trans people do, and make shit up when confronted by an actual trans person. Exactly like a conservative Christian.

We'll rant about radfems later.

First of all, this person's ideas about gender come from a very sheltered, cis, white, western, Christian perspective. Which...isn't the default. Despite what cis, white, western Christians think about that.

It's also hypocritical. Having been raised Christian myself, and being something of a history buff, I know just how ridiculous it is that so many Christians default to thinking of their god as male - and how harmful that can be to LGBT Christians. Do only dycishet Christians deserve the Good News, despite their "savior" likely having been a queer, brown, anti-capitalist feminist?

So Christlike. I'm sure your precious Lord and Savior would be thrilled, fundies. Especially considering that you break several of the laws in your own sacred text on a fairly regular basis, unless of course they give you an excuse to treat people like shit.

We'll rant about you later, too. Let's move on.

Please note, first, that this only describes MY experiences. No two trans narratives are exactly alike.

Now let's do this thing.

The words I use to describe my gender...

• Transgender. I have a complicated relationship with this word, but if asked "Are you trans or cis?" I'll say trans.
• Gender variant/nonconforming, because I don't know how I would conform to gender roles when I don't even fit into the gender binary.
• Genderqueer. I have a complicated relationship with this word, too, because it's got "queer" in it and I think if you're reclaiming slurs, you should have a good reason. The historical reclamation of queer, to me, says anti-capitalist, rebellious, angry, brave. Today it mostly makes me think of Buzzfeed. And Everyday Feminism, where gender nonconformity is somehow a privilege for women because that makes sense and isn't sexist, homophobic, or transphobic at all apparently.
• Nonbinary, because nonbinary means anyone whose gender isn't strictly male or female and I'm included in that.
• Genderfluid, because my dysphoria, sense of self, and identification with different gendered terms change from day to day.
• Woman. Kind of. Sometimes. It's complicated.
• Genderpunk/Genderfuck, because playing with social and cultural gender roles has always come naturally to me.
• Tomcat. I edited this one in a long time after this post was made but it's an identifier exclusively for masculine-presenting bi and pan women. I think "butch" comes with a lot of baggage that's specific to lesbians, about being attracted to women and not men. Bi/pan women don't face that. But we deserve a term specifically for ourselves. And I like this one. I wish it were more visible, but I like it.
• Neurogender, because my disabilities affect the way I perceive social input and process social constructs, including gender and gender expression, and that has definitely shaped the way I view myself, my dysphoria, and gender as a whole.
• Demigirl, because the definition of this is "partly female"
• Neutrois, because ideally I'd live in a gender neutral role, but for now at least that's not going to happen so I just sort of default to female
• Androgynous, because I am.

And, yes, I'm dysphoric - despite the stereotype that nonbinary people are "like [binary] trans people, without the dysphoria". To the point where I've considered binding my chest with tape or bandages in lieu of a proper binder, despite the fact that practically the first piece of advice I was given upon coming to terms with my gender was to never, ever bind with Ace bandages. To the point where I've been so desperate to feel comfortable in my body that I've been known to  wear several layers at a time, ignoring the overheating and the constricting around my ribcage.

I think it's ridiculous that our society is so quick to feminize breasts - and misgender non-women and partial women who have them. They're lumps of fat, tissue, and milk glands that grow out of people's chests, and are bigger on some people - REGARDLESS of gender - than on others. So it's kind of absurd that I and so many other FAAB trans people have chest dysphoria (I don't even like calling them my breasts because that's a term I've been socialized so strongly to associate with cis women), but that doesn't make our feelings any less real or legitimate. Especially when our dysphoria is bad enough to put our health at stake.

Speaking of dysphoria, social dysphoria is just as important as the physical variety - and can cause just as much of a problem, healthwise.

For me, my social dysphoria triggers include:

1. Being referred to as "she" or "Bess" if I know that the person is doing it because they see me as a binary woman.

2. Being called daughter, niece, or granddaughter when I'm not at least leaning toward female.

3. Being called miss, lady, or girl, regardless of where my gender is on the spectrum.

4. Being seen as female when I'm not.

And the effects are:

1. Nausea

2. Headaches

3. Lack of confidence and self-esteem

4. Mood swings

5. Discomfort

6. Mental distress

And yes, even if you care about me you will have to trigger my social dysphoria sometimes to protect me. Sometimes because you care about me. I'm read as a woman, and I'm not on hormones (nor do I currently intend to be). Because I'm read as a woman, you'll probably have to publicly refer to me as your niece or granddaughter, use female pronouns, and introduce me as Bess. This is to avoid outing me, something that could put me in danger depending on the situation.

Thankfully, however, I've been blessed with relatively light dysphoria.

I can ward off body dysphoria - sometimes, anyway - by wearing a compression sports bra and a shirt loose enough not to cling to my curves (god, I hate typing that word)...so long as I'm not on my period and am careful not to look down at my chest or think about it at all, that is. At my size, it's damn near impossible to safely give the impression of total or near-total flatness in anything but a professionally-made binder, and unfortunately there's no physical store that trans people can just walk into and buy one (a fact that pisses me off to no end).

Because I'm pagan and there are nonbinary deities and spirits in so many pagan paths, it also helps me to think of myself as a person who doesn't fit within the gender binary, but appears to the silly mortals as a woman. Ridiculous, I know. But it does help. A little. Sometimes.

Besides dysphoria, my...I don't even know how to describe this. My internal sense of self kind of shifts from day to day, I suppose? If you're cishet, think about how you know you're female or know you're male (genitals and being straight don't count as knowing). 

You have this inner, stable mental equilibrium fixing you firmly as exclusively male or female (at least, that's what I've always assumed being binary is like), whatever that means to you. You may or may not conform to gender roles, but there's still a very strong intuitive, instinctive sense of being exclusively male or female even if you don't. If you're cis, you probably don't think about it that much. You've never had to, and if you're thinking about it now you're probably still chalking it up to genitalia.

But it's not like that for me. It hasn't been for as long as I can remember.

I don't know where gender dysphoria comes from. I think it probably has to do with that internal sense of self I just mentioned, but I could be wrong. What I do know is that I'm not strictly female. I don't feel comfortable identifying or living strictly as female. It feels so wrong to me, and could damage my mental health if I'm forced to pretend that's who I am.

I'm putting my own needs and health before cis people's comfort, privilege, and arbitrary preferences - as I should! Why does a cis person's squeamishness surrounding trans people matter more than my rightful ability to live safely and healthily as one?

In conclusion, this is why I, personally, can't "just identify as female". I hope someone can educate themselves and learn something.

So Your Loved One Came Out as Trans or Gender Nonconforming

This is the second post in the "So Your Loved One Came Out" series. And this time, we'll be addressing coming out as binary transgender, nonbinary, and gender nonconforming.

Hi, this is Mod Eli from 2023! I'll probably be discontinuing this blog soon because of the amount of stress I'm under from work, grad school, and mental health issues, but I just wanted to come back and update a few old posts with shitty takes so they reflect what I believe now. Anything in italics is what I'm saying in the present.

You might be a father whose daughter has just revealed her gender to him, a grandmother confused by her grandchild's desire to bind their breasts, an aunt whose niece prefers bowties , or a teenage boy who just came across research on hormone replacement therapy on the screen of his best friend's laptop. You might be a sister whose transgender brother has opened up to her about his gender. You might be a teenage girl whose cousin came out as genderqueer online or a mom whose toddler son has begun to express interest in his sister's Barbies and wants to be a princess for Halloween.

If any of the above describes you, or if you're in a similar situation, you need this post. Even if you don't realize it. And if someone you know is in a situation like this, you need to share this post with them.


1. Yes, you should be afraid for them...and you should be an ally to them.

If you're afraid for your loved one because you know how our society treats people who don't conform to gender norms, you're right to be. Because society treats us like shit.

But that's not an excuse to try to stop us from expressing our true selves! And if you try to, you might just be adding to the problem. Dysphoria can be hell - and is a factor in the high suicide rate in the trans community. The solution is to be an ally to trans people. Call out your cisgender friends, family, and coworkers when they misgender trans people, ridicule us, out us without our permission, or deny us access to necessities like bathrooms and healthcare. There are "I'll Go With You" buttons you can wear that let any trans people nearby know that you'll help them if they need to use a public restroom or changing room and are being denied access. You can also direct other cis people to educational feminist sites like Everyday Feminism, or to YouTubers like Kat Blaque, or to this blog. Education is one of the most powerful tools we have to fix society.

If you're a parent or other caretaker, help your transgender teenage son get a binder and reassure him that he's no less of a boy when he's on his period; teach your trans daughter about makeup (if she wants to wear it) and feminism and take her shopping in the women's section; respect your nonbinary child in however they want to navigate this whole gender thing, and educate other cis parents about nonbinary people so it might be a little easier if their kid is nonbinary, too.

If you're a teacher, you can talk to your students about transmisogyny and the murders of trans women of color in your current events or sociology class, you can tell them about Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson in your U.S. History class while discussing civil rights activism of the 1960s, you can have them read Julia Serano's writings in language arts, you can explain gender dysphoria and hormone replacement therapy to them in sex education, or you can urge them to have a moment of silence on the anniversaries of Leelah Alcorn and Blake Brockington's suicides.

If the transgender loved one who is the reason you're reading this is, for example, your boarding school roommate in a dorm that's segregated by assigned sex, joke with them about how they're such a rebel, breaking the rules by not being the designated gender of that dorm. I've been the transgender roommate in a similar situation, and trust me, having someone I care about affirm my gender like that makes so much of a difference in my outlook on rooming with a group of girls when I'm only sometimes one myself and I know the reason I'm rooming with them is that my genitals look like theirs.

I know you're afraid. No one wants to see the people they love get hurt. And trust me, we're afraid for ourselves and our trans and gender nonconforming kin. We all need to be afraid.

But that shouldn't have to stop us from transitioning and living authentically. We can change our society for the better, but that will take a lot of activism, which is hard work. If it saves even one trans life, though, you know it's worth it.

So I actually don't like Everyday Feminism now, since I've seen way too many articles from there over the years about gnc women having "masculine privilege" and that's obviously not something I want people reading based on my recommendation. Other than that, this is actually mostly okay.

2. Cut the cissplaining.

This is the part where I don't coddle you, cissies. It's okay, I'm sure you'll survive.

The most memorable experience I have of being cissplained to is when I was told (by the same cis person who earlier referred to cis women as "real, regular women") that I shouldn't want to bind my chest because I'm involved in body-positive feminism and I should love my body the way it is.

Yeah, that's real cute. But dysphoria doesn't just go away like that, and if you don't have any of your own I refuse to even consider your opinion on what I should do about mine. No matter how body-positive I am, I can't change the way my body is needlessly societally gendered and forced into this "woman" box even though I'm not strictly a woman. I can't help how uncomfortable that makes me. No matter how masculine or androgynous I'm dressed, one glance at my chest (especially at the size it is) makes it obvious that I'm not like other men - that, in most people's eyes, I'm not a man at all and never will be. Binding, at least, would make it so that my gender is harder to determine at first glance. Which would help me immensely by easing my dysphoria. Later, I'll do something medical about it - get myself sterilized so I don't have to deal with my period (and the bloating in my chest, thighs, and hips that results from it), maybe have top surgery or at least a breast reduction. Whatever I have to do to take care of myself and my health, basically.

If you have a problem with that, I don't want to hear it. I don't care about cis people's opinions on gender dysphoria, understood?

Don't explain trans rights to us. Don't explain nonbinary genders to us. Don't explain our history, our culture, our activism, our identities, our medical or social transitions. We already know, and the best authorities on trans discourse are...surprise!...trans people. As an ally, it's your job to uplift and empower us, not speak for us.

I'm not thrilled about how this was phrased and don't think it was helpful, but honestly, was I wrong?

3. Old Navy has some good stuff for young masculine or androgynous DFAB people.

Just so you know. I shop in their men's department whenever I get the chance, and I've gotten some really good stuff there. You can get better deals if you shop in an outlet mall, by the way.

So, you know, if you're looking for a present for your genderqueer or trans male relative for the holidays, there's that.

Or a chest binder. Chest binders are always welcome. I recommend gc2b or Underworks, but if you can't afford that, there are plenty of programs that donate gently used binders to young trans boys in need. Just explain your situation and I'm sure they'll be happy to help you out (but make sure to ask him what size binder he wears before you pick one out! Yes, doing that will ruin the surprise, but if a binder is too small it can damage our ribs and lungs. Safety first).

I mean honestly, this is okay. Do keep in mind though that there are a lot of reasons someone wouldn't want to bind. When I tried, it triggered a lot of chronic pain for me, the constant pressure around my torso just reminded me of why I needed it, and it was honestly pretty pointless because with my height, small hands, curves, high voice, and feminine features, it's likely the only way I'll be able to consistently pass as anything but female is testosterone and surgeries. Which would likely lead to me being read as male most of the time, which feels even more wrong. So my solution has been to work out, eat testosterone boosting foods, occasionally wear a packer, and save up for chest reduction surgery. Yes, I still experience dysphoria and I'm still nonbinary, but I'm handling that in the way that's best for me. Other people know their situation better than you do.

4. Teach us things.

There is so much I don't know about being a man. Not just sports (and I don't particularly care about those), but things like tying a tie or wearing suits or interacting with other men as one of them. I still feel way more comfortable around women and girls than boys and men. My dad never got a chance to teach me about manhood. Since I was assigned female, I doubt he would have done so even if he'd lived. And thus far, I haven't gotten up the nerve to ask any of the cis men I know to tutor me in this stuff.

If I were DMAB, I probably wouldn't know about fashion or makeup or any of the other things that I actually did learn from the older cis women in my life - the things they taught me because I'd beem assigned female at birth and so they assumed I was a little girl. I wouldn't know how to walk in heels or apply a smoky eye (okay, I'm still pretty bad at both of those things).

If there's a special trans woman in your life and you're a cis woman, offer to help her out. Take her shopping. Look up makeup tutorials for trans women on YouTube and help her do her makeup. There are lingerie stores online for people with penises, if she wants to buy some more feminine underwear that accommodates her genitals - help her shop for that if she wants. If you're both difemina and she's only just coming out as a trans WLW, offer to be her guide to queer lady dating and/or sex - and help her fend off the many TERFs she's likely to meet when she begins to date women as an out queer trans woman.

Honestly a lot of this is fair.

5. Help to dismantle cissexism.

Why did you assume your loved one was cis in the first place? When you see strangers, do you gender them based on appearance (potentially triggering their dysphoria, unbeknownst to you, when you misgender them)? Did you have a "gender party" if you'd ever been pregnant, to reveal whether your baby would have a penis or a vagina? After the baby was born, did you color-code them so strangers would know what their genitals looked like? And when the baby grew into a kid and you had to explain the difference between boys and girls, did you explain it by saying boys had penises and girls had vaginas? Have you never wondered why there's no tampon machine in the men's restroom and no urinals in the women's, even though some men have periods and some women can pee standing up?

If you're cis, at least some of the above probably applies to you. Hell, even if you're trans, some of the above probably applies to you. We've all grown up in a cissexist society. It doesn't means that we're Bad People - and I don't fully believe in the dichotomy of Good and Bad People, anyway; we're all just people who are a little fucked-up and have done good and bad things.

I want you to think about why you instinctively gender infants, who don't even have a concept of object permanence and don't even understand what gender is. I want you to think about why bathrooms are gendered, when everyone needs to pee. I want you to think about why you gender genitals, when your loved one is proof that gender is way more complicated than that. Why do you gender strangers? What assumptions are you making about what men and women look like, and how are those assumptions harmful to trans people (especially nonbinary people)?

Unlearn your own internalized cissexism. Educate yourself, then teach others.

I mean...fair? At this point though I would not recommend gender neutral parenting and have no plans to do it for my own kids if I were to have any. At least, I wouldn't do it in the way I would here - my plan, personally, would be to pick an androgynous name, all different kinds of clothes and toys until they're old enough to have a preference, educate about all different identities, and generally just not push gender roles, but that's about as far as it would go until they're old enough to express an identity one way or the other. I also feel like it's pretty reasonable to assume someone's gender based off appearance and most trans people will get it, but be open and respectful about being wrong and don't make everything about gender when it's not relevant.

6. Masculinity and attraction to women have nothing to do with manhood. Femininity and attraction to women have nothing to do with womanhood.

And the rhetoric that says it does is used both to stigmatize gender nonconforming cis people and to invalidate masculine DMAB trans people and feminine DFAB trans people.

If a cis woman prefers short hair and bowties to dresses, she's dapper. If a trans woman does the same, she's not serious about being a woman. If a cis man wears makeup, he's flamboyant. If a trans man wears makeup, he's a special snowflake. If a cis woman doesn't shave, she's a feminist. If a trans woman doesn't shave, she's not trying hard enough to pass.

While I still agree with a lot of this, I really don't like the way I seemed to imply that gnc cis people have unconditional privilege when they often don't, especially masculine and gender nonconforming women.

And for nonbinary people, this gender policing is used to erase us completely.

I've heard rumors about my sexuality from people I don't know. There's talk that I'm a lesbian when I'm dressed masculine or androgynous and that I'm a straight woman when I'm dressed feminine. (Thus far, there's been no whispers of me looking bisexual or aromantic.) Okay...nice job forcing your lifestyle on everyone, cishet people. I'm not interested in all that degeneracy, though. So, uh...no hetero. (This is how ridiculous you people sound.)

Honestly, it's totally reasonable to assume that someone who's visibly gender nonconforming is gay. A lot of us do legitimately use that as a way to signal to each other, and gender nonconformity is an important part of our history. That said, a lot of the time when people have assumed that about me, it was done in a really disrespectful and invasive way that I don't feel comfortable with. I also have to roll my eyes about the comment about looking bisexual or aromantic or being erased as a cis passing nonbinary person, because how would that even work? Like oh no, teenage me, you're so oppressed for not being as hypervisible as a butch lesbian. Serious cringe right there, but honestly who among us wasn't at 17?

The reason I bring this up is because, as someone who appears as a gender-nonconforming queer woman, I'm also perceived as "practically a man"...except not REALLY, because, you know, biology. And because, contrary to popular belief in feminist spaces, masculine and androgynous women don't benefit from femmephobia or misogyny, while masculine men benefit from both.

Because masculinity and attraction to women are seen as the exclusive property of straight cis men, I and all other masc or androgynous LBPQ women (especially nonbinary and trans women) are marginalized for having those traits while being women. And cishet feminists seem not to understand that a masculine woman-loving woman IS NOT at all the same as a masculine heterosexual man. Queer butch women don't have the ability to replicate the male gaze, to benefit from misogyny, or to oppress straight or femme queer women. Women don't benefit from male privilege, and associating masculine queer women with straight men like this harms both masculine queer women (especially difemina trans women) and transmasculine people who are attracted to women. So stop.

Another reason I'm bringing this up is because I've heard a lot of cis men, especially cishet teenage boys, talk about trans women. What with Caitlyn Jenner's transition, more media representation, and more of us coming out, trans people are more visible than we've ever been to mainstream American society. And that means more people are going to be talking about us, both in positive and negative ways.

I've heard a cis boy say that "the people who enable them [trans people] are almost as bad." (I...what? I'm out to several cis people as genderfluid now, but only one of them has actually verbally acknowledged or affirmed my gender - to my face, that is. And all the advice and information I've gotten about dysphoria, cissexism, and transition has come from other trans people. I don't know exactly which cis people this guy thinks are "enabling" us, especially those of us who aren't rich, abled, and white.) But we're not going to talk about him.

Actually I do want to talk about him. The hypocrisy from these kinds of people is wild. Like I'm just out here vibing, bruh. I'm not pushing anyone else to be trans, just asking for basic respect for the fact that I am and for other people who are. Just like I would respect someone who's cis. But sure, we're the ones who are forcing some kind of agenda, not the people who support our ongoing genocide or who want to force everyone else to conform.

I've heard a cis boy call trans women "it". We won't talk about him, either.

I've heard a couple different cis boys ask, regarding trans lesbians, "What's the point of being a woman if you're attracted to women?" And we will talk about them.

If you've ever wondered what the point of being a trans woman is if she's attracted to women, I want you to consider this: would you ask the same thing about cis LBPQ women? Because trans women are women. All of them. That includes the masculine ones, the hairy ones, the muscular ones, the ones who don't want HRT, the ones who don't want gender affirming surgery, and the ones who are attracted to women. Trans women's genders and sexualities are just as valid as cis women's.

It's pretty obvious that the erasure and invalidation of trans WLW (woman-loving women) is rooted in transmisogyny, homophobia, and an assumption that heterosexuality is the end goal for everyone. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: it's not.

The same applies to feminine trans men and trans men who are attracted to men, by the way.

I agree with some of this but not with the circular logic that's essentially like "trans women are valid because they're valid." Or with the idea that people wouldn't ask cis and afab nonbinary sapphics what the point is in being attracted to women and that our attraction is just accepted. It's not.

Okay so let's flash back to when I was sixteen. I had only vaguely heard of trans people as caricatures but I just kind of had a live and let live outlook toward them even though I was still super ignorant. So I joined Trevorspace looking for support in my coming out journey and other kids like me to talk to, and I started learning more about trans people. That made me question what exactly my stance was, and I realized that I related to trans women on a lot of things and that sometimes, cis and trans women have a lot in common. The biggest issue a lot of people seemed to have with trans people - in particular trans women, in this case - was the fear that they'd prey on kids and cis people, but people thought the exact same thing about me because of my sexuality and that didn't make it true. Sure, they're read as men and might not experience the same misogyny as a cis woman while boymoding, but that happens sometimes to cis people too - and they do experience misogyny once they're out and living as women. Sure, they have sex characteristics that mean they don't get a period and can't give birth, but so do some cis women. 

Trans women still face objectification and fetishization, especially through the sex trade. They still experience sexist microaggressions once they're out. They still have to worry about domestic violence and sexual assault as much as any other woman, they're still pressured to conform to gender roles. They might not all have the same experience as a cis woman with regard to growing up as part of a class expected to become sexual and domestic servants for men and having attraction to your own oppressors pushed on you since before you can even talk, and they might not be affected by anti abortion policies or lack of research on certain medical conditions like endometriosis, but a lot of them have never claimed to experience that - and being trans comes with its own trauma and discrimination.

Ultimately as a gender variant afab sapphic, I feel more in common with transfeminine sapphics than I do with cishet women. We have a shared culture, history, community. We've both found joy in a self determined approach to womanhood and in loving in a way people didn't expect. I may not fully understand the journey of identifying as a trans butch lesbian while assigned male at birth, but I don't have to understand to be respectful and welcome them with open arms.

7. Learn about cis privilege.

8. Unlearn the idea that certain items are inherently gendered.

Clothes have no gender. Toys have no gender. Pop culture - such as Disney Princess movies, for example - has no gender. Only people have gender, and that's only sometimes.

But our society genders them anyway. Our society genders everything and everyone. All the time. And the only options it allows and accepts are cis male and cis female.

Growing up, we all saw the explosion of fairies and glitter in the little girls' sections in clothing stores - especially if we grew up in America in the twenty-first century - and the way kids were color-coded from birth. We've all learned certain things, false things, about what it means to be a man or a woman.

Contrary to what many people, even other trans people, believe about genderfluid people, I don't believe that wanting to wear certain clothing makes me male or female on any given day. But I am just a naturally androgynous person with a fluid gender expression, and like everyone else, I internalized gender policing BS about how men and women dress and act. So when my dysphoria's bad or I'm a guy for the moment, it's a source of comfort to me to know that I look masculine - that my clothes, at least, are more like I've always been taught men should look.

That's also one reason that many - many, but not all - trans women find comfort in femininity. A lot of radfems think trans women only identify as women because they're feminine (which is flawed logic, because not all trans women are feminine, anyway), that trans men transition because of internalized misogyny, and that trans people in general think womanhood is about being submissive and hyperfeminine.

We don't. This is a strawman fallacy on radfems' part. I'm not genderfluid because I'm androgynous. I'm a genderfluid person who happens to be androgynous and finds comfort in that.

Not every androgynous person is nonbinary, and not every nonbinary person is androgynous.

9. You aren't exempt from transphobia just because you aren't straight.

10. Cisphobia doesn't exist.

11. Stop calling cis people real, regular, or normal.

By this, I mean, for example, don't call cis women "normal women" (as opposed to trans women). Cis women are only "normal women" because systemic transphobia and transmisogyny says they are.

 This also doesn't seem to be a standard applied as much to trans men and cis men. Transmisogyny, perhaps? We may never know.

lmao at the idea that the same standard isn't applied to trans men. It totally is.

12. We weren't "born as" boys or girls. We were born as babies.

And you need to stop gendering babies.

13. No, trans women don't have male privilege.

See what I wrote about trans women a few points above.

14. You can stop with the "biology" argument now.

15. Yes, nonbinary people exist.




And...that's about it, really. Trans people, if you'd like me to add anything, let me know in the comments. Cis people, if you have any questions, just ask.

Not Completely

This is a poem I wrote when I was just starting to come out to myself as genderqueer.

Not Completely

Female...
I am female
This is my birth label
I was called 'daughter'

Female?
But...not always so feminine
I loved oversized man's shirts
Felt uncomfortable in makeup
Couldn't always relate to girls
The way the other girls seemed to

So I crossdressed
And it felt good
But I am not male
I do not think I am "he"...
but not always exactly "she"
Not completely

Now, I wear dresses
Sometimes, and flowers
Jewelry
It's nice, to be feminine
To feel like a girl
Sometimes

Sometimes, I can tolerate it
Sometimes, I enjoy it
But others...
The femininity is stifling
Straining...
Sometimes it feels so good to wear
Bass Pro shirts and men's jeans
To get dirty, to run, to feel like myself
But I'm not even sure who that is

I am female
Female?
Female...
But not completely

Heartless Girls

Today, I rewatched Denise Frohman's "Dear Straight People", which includes a line specifically about teenage difemina girls. So I decided to expand on that and write my own poem about the intersection of misogyny and heteronormativity - and the unique love, camaraderie, and sisterhood between queer teenage girls and young queer women.

Heartless Girls

We are the heartless girls
The bisluts and bitches
We are fetishes
When we tell straight men no in clubs
We are the prudes and whores
The sinful girls who are always ready for sex
Our no taken as a yes
We are the queer girls,
The ones straight women see as
Predatory
When we're the ones who live in fear.

We're the girls with the half-shaved heads
Snapbacks and bowties,
Or the fierce femmes
Invisible in dresses and high heels
And perfectly
Applied
Lipstick.

We are the girls who hate ourselves
When we're rejected
Because "real" intimacy always involves sex
When we're told we're disgusting
Because if enough people say it, you start to believe them
When we don't want a romantic happily-ever-after
Because that's all we've been allowed to want
When we're raped
Because bi girls are just toys,
Commodities to be used and abused,
Dolls to be played with.
When we're not good enough,
Because queer girls are never good enough.

We are the heartless girls
Who love more than anyone
We are the girls who are shamed
For speaking out in social justice
Out of love for our sisters.
Because "Not all feminists are lesbians!!!"
We are the queer girls,
Survivors of a culture
That would rather we were dead.
We are the only ones
Who give a damn about one another.
We are the heartless girls,
The queer girls,
The sinful girls,
The prudes,
The dykes,
And we will always protect each other.

Revelation

I've been feeling sexual attraction more often lately and...it's been making me question myself again.

This is not a coming-out post. Just the opposite, actually. And for that reason, I've been putting off writing it.

I've been wondering if I'm actually gray-ace or just a relatively disinterested (gray-romantic) bisexual. I never had much in common with the ace community, besides sharing their letter, a lack of interest in sex, and disliking romantic relationships (actually, many aces happily date and I have ace friends who have had boyfriends before. But it's apparently really hard for alloromantic aces to find and keep romantic partners because of the whole sex thing).

And really, being allosexual doesn't mean that I'm hypersexual, constantly horny, or ruled by my sexual desires (it's especially important for me to specify this because I'm part of several hypersexualized communities - bisexual women, nonbinary people, and allosexual aros).

I feel like I might have internalized the toxic mindset that allosexual means hypersexual when I was still identifying as ace. And you have to remember, I do have a background that's pretty steeped in sex-negativity and internalized homophobia and biphobia. No doubt that's influenced me.

But the fact that I internalized these things doesn't mean that EVERY SINGLE PERSON who identifies as ace has, or that every ace ever is sex-negative (which is different from sex-repulsed). I've considered myself a sex-positive feminist for a long time now; I have a sex-positive feminist friend who is sex-repulsed, a proud aromantic asexual, fights slut-shaming, supports sex workers, is pro-choice, and is a LGBTQIA activist.

And she's a Christian, born and raised. Both of us grew up around all the same bullshit that Christian girls are told about their sexualities. Both of us identified as ace at one point. She still does and I no longer do. The fact that I no longer do and that I internalized toxic beliefs about sexuality while identifying as ace says absolutely NOTHING about her or any other asexual or acespec person. They aren't me, and I'm not them. I just want to stress that. My own experiences are absolutely not an excuse to be acephobic, understand?

Good.

Now, the second reason I made this post.

As a non-ace bisexual myself, it would be hypocritical of me to claim that this blog is only for aces. That's why I'm opening it up to allosexual aros. If you're an allosexual aro and would like a position as a writer for our team, please let me know in the comments.

And because it's for alloromantic aces, aromantic aces, and allosexual aros, I'm thinking of changing the name. I picked "A Team Of Amoebas" as a reference to asexual reproduction and as an ace joke, but I don't want to lose my brand recognition either. Currently, my favorite name is The A-Team, but I'm open to suggestions.

Well, that's over with. Please return to your regularly scheduled programming.

So Your Loved One Came Out as Gay, Lesbian, or Bi

Hi everyone! I'm updating this from 2021 with what I would say now, because I had a lot of juvenile, shitty opinions at 17 and I believed in monosexual privilege. I just feel a responsibility to fix the bad advice I gave out all those years ago while also taking accountability for any harm I perpetuated. So anything I say now will be in italics.

'Tis two thousand and fifteen in the year of our Lord. Same sex marriage has been legalized in all fifty states, Oregon has a bisexual governor, and while we are far from equality, conditions for the mainstream American LGBTQIA community have improved considerably since June of 1969. More people are finding their identities and coming out - and you probably know one of them.

Whether you know it or not, you likely know someone who is attracted to their same gender, probably someone you love if they were willing to trust you with this. This is a guide on how to be a good ally.

That's why I'm writing this series of posts. If you're heterosexual, heteroromantic, cisgender, and dyadic, you probably know very little about any of the letters beyond L and G. And you might even be pretty ignorant about those two.

Okay I would actually say this is still pretty accurate besides the LG vs. BT and ace inclusionism nonsense.

First of all, I want to make two disclaimers. One, as far as I know I'm not intersex and have never met someone who is. I don't know much about it, honestly, though I'm trying to educate myself. That's why I'm not going to write about coming out as intersex. Two, because I'm American, these next few posts are going to be very US-centric. Depending on where you live, the social and political attitudes surrounding LGBQA (especially LGBQ) and transgender identities could be completely different from anything I'm used to. Please keep that in mind.

I would just get rid of the A here but other than that it's okay.

Now let's begin.

Maybe you're a mother who just found out her daughter wore that dress for a girl or woman, not a boy or man. Maybe you're a teenager whose best friend just admitted to having a same-sex crush. Maybe you're a grandfather whose grandson brought his boyfriend to a family party, an aunt whose niece says she wants to marry another woman, you might be a man whose bisexual girlfriend just came out to him, you might be a brother or sister who just found out they might never have biological nieces and nephews (though this assumption is actually cissexist, because gay and lesbian trans people exist).

Okay, not bad. 

If any of these apply to you, or if you're in a similar situation, you need to keep reading. There are things you need to know.

• If you're conservative, keep your opinions to yourself.

We've already heard it all about a million times, and don't need or want to again. Kindly shut the fuck up.

I mostly stand by this, actually, but I've learned that realistically being hostile to conservatives accomplishes little. You need to be willing to educate people and help them understand, but I also want readers to remember how much trauma I still hold from realizing just how conservative my childhood best friend, my cousin, my chosen sister, the girl I would have made the maid of honor in my wedding and had been planning to have my kids call Aunt Ella if I had any, was. I know you don't want to hear this but if you're conservative, you're just going to lose someone you love.

You need to understand that your loved one is trying to open up to you about an important part of their life. They want you to be there when they get married, they want to introduce you to the love of their life, they want to know you won't poison their mind by telling their kids it's wrong to have two moms or two dads, they want to know it's safe to come to you for relationship advice. Remember that whatever opinions you have won't change us and likely will hurt us deeply, and that if it's based in religion...well, I believe in God, but I also acknowledge that the bible was written two thousand years ago and translated and mistranslated and revised and censored hundreds of times across multiple languages by people who often had biases or ulterior motives. And some people believe the word that was translated to homosexuality actually meant something closer to pervert, so like someone who sexually harasses or assaults people. Considering the cultural context of the time surrounding adult men having ritualistic sex with young boys, and considering that Judaism, the culture that Jesus and many other biblical figures came from, is often gay-friendly, this makes more sense in my opinion than thinking God just hates gays for no reason.

I've also been told that "love is love" doesn't make any sense because gay love is actually just lust and that romantic gay love doesn't exist. I want to address that here because it often seems to come from conservatives.

Okay, first of all, I could say the exact same thing about straight relationships and it would make just as much sense to me. Let's just ignore the existence of trans and intersex people for a minute, because I know that's a battle I won't win and because homophobia is often based on the assumption that both partners have the same genitals. It's completely illogical and cruel to think that two people could never ever share a romantic connection just because they have similar biological sex configurations or can't have biological kids. 

Like what about infertile straight couples? What about intersex people? What about straight women who've had hysterectomies? What about people with hormone imbalances that give them physical sex characteristics not associated with their assigned gender? And since y'all love to misgender trans people and would therefore supposedly say a trans man/cis man or a trans woman/cis woman couple are hetero, what happens when that trans person goes on hormones or has procedures like bottom surgery that sterilize them? What about straight cis people who just don't want kids? 

A lot of you seem to believe the purpose of marriage is to have biological kids (which many cis gay and lesbian couples can still do in the same ways as infertile cishet couples). So what happens when you take biological kids out of the equation?

And I always seem to hear straight women complaining about how their boyfriends never clean the house or get them off properly during sex, and a lot of my female clients have come from environments where they were abused by a man they loved. And I take pleasure in caring for every woman I've ever dated and making sure she's happy and healthy and feeling loved and desired. A lot of the hetero relationships I witnessed as a child were unhealthy. My dad, and therefore by extension also me, Ella, and Ella's mom and siblings, were all the products of a teenage pregnancy and shotgun marriage that ended in a divorce between two people (my grandparents) who said later they were never really mutually in love and just got married to avoid the social stigma of having a child out of wedlock as teenagers in the 60s. And, yes, gay relationships can be just as unhealthy and abusive and toxic as straight ones, or just as loving and kind and healthy. Judge people as individuals, not as what genitals their partner has.

Third, there are gay people who don't have sex. When I first realized I was, I had been planning to save sex for marriage - the only thing that changed was I had come to terms with wanting to marry a girl. A good friend of mine from around that time is an asexual lesbian who is engaged to a woman, and a mutual friend of ours is bi and has identified as gray-ace in the past. My last girlfriend is sapphic and on the ace spectrum. And I've heard of all that also happening with gay and bi men but don't know any who I feel like I could ask about that.

As for me personally, I'm not a super sexual person even now, I'll likely be on anti-depressants soon which will basically decimate my libido, and my attraction tends to disappear when I'm stressed or my mental health isn't up to par, but I still want a girlfriend and love everything romantic that goes with having one. Loving someone else and being loved. Making someone coffee and breakfast in bed. Romantic dinners out. Cuddling under a blanket by the campfire. Caring for each other when one of us is sick. Surprise dance parties in the living room. Making her favorite dinner. Being called baby and sweetheart. Sending her romantic playlists. Getting married. Adopting pets. Going to winter festivals together, holding hands and drinking hot chocolate. Working through relationship issues. Growing old together. Going out to buy her favorite truffles and run her a hot bath when she's on her period, and wrap her in blankets and tell dad jokes until she laughs and forgets she was in pain. Being buried side by side. I still want passion and commitment and adoration, the only difference is I want all of that with a woman. There is nothing wrong with gay sex or any other kind of sex, but if someone like me who doesn't always want it can still fall in love with a woman, can still cry from happiness at the thought of proposing to one, can still daydream about having a wife, can want to grow old with one, can want to be with her in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do you part, then what is that but love?

• LGBQ people can be asexual.

I'm loathe to use a line from Gay Inc. and the homonormativity of its predominantly cis and/or white supporters, but being gay or BPQ+ is not about sex. Not exclusively, anyway.

Orientation is composed of two different parts: sexual attraction and romantic attraction. Romantic attraction is composed of feelings which cause in an individual the desire to have a romantic relationship or do romantic things with another person (or people). What counts as romantic is up to the individual, as no action is inherently romantic.

Sexual attraction is composed of feelings which cause an individual to desire sexual contact with another person.

Keep in mind that sensual attraction is also a thing, and is distinct from sexual attraction. It's up to an individual to decide what counts as sexual. Some people consider kissing, especially open-mouthed kissing, sexual. Others consider breasts sexual, though breasts aren't actually sexual organs. Some people consider butts sexual. Again, butts aren't sexual organs. Others believe that only genitals are inherently sexual, and the only thing that should be sexualized.

I, personally, am somewhere in the middle. Mouth kissing isn't sexual to me, but kissing on other parts of the body might be. The sexualization of breasts is mostly a western thing and I absolutely support the #FreeTheNipple movement, but that doesn't change how breasts are seen and how they can be sexually stimulated. Butts? If you're penetrating it with something, yes. Genitals? Definitely.

A person can desire sexual intimacy but not romantic, romantic but not sexual, both, or neither. Which brings me to my next point...

See the above point and just ignore the rest of this lmfao

• LGBQ people can be aromantic.

See above. Being gay or BPQ+ isn't exclusively about romance either. Homoromantic asexuals, homoromantic homosexuals, and aromantic homosexuals are all equally gay. Biromantic asexuals, biromantic bisexuals, and aromantic bisexuals are all equally bi. Panromantic...well, you get the idea.

And no, your loved one's hypothetical lack of romantic attraction is not an excuse for you to assume that being same-gender attraction is just about sex or to hypersexualize LGBQ people. If you do, you're just a homophobic, arophobic asshole - and one with flawed logic, at that. There are aromantic heterosexuals too, but I highly doubt you're going to use that to justify hypersexualizing straight people. Why the double standard?

Call me homosexual and I will cut off your fingers slowly and painfully with a rusty knife. But yeah, some gay and bi people are aro and aro people can be any sexuality, just like ace people.

• Us criticizing or making jokes about the LGBTQIA community doesn't mean you can do it.

Let's examine the dynamics of privilege and power when it comes to gay jokes and criticism of the gay community.

I'm nonbinary and bisexual. I don't have any systemic power to oppress cis gay people or gay trans men. Trans lesbians? Yes, because I benefit from transmisogyny.

There is no harm in me complaining about cis gay people. I'm oppressed by homophobia, so I can't benefit from it in any way. I have absolutely no institutional power over cis gay people on the basis of gender or sexuality.

And straight trans people also have straight privilege, but they can do very little to oppress cis gay people. The power dynamics between a cis gay person and a transgender straight person are way different than those between a cis straight person and a cis gay person.

In the (amazing) Adhamh Roland song "Rich, White, and Gay", Roland complains about how wealthy, white, cis LGB people often fail to take their privileges into account and, in effect, further perpetuate the oppression of QPoC, poor LGBTQIA people, and trans people. As a trans man, he is personally hurt by this - and for that reason, the fact that he's singing about it is okay.

Honestly, I'm not thrilled about the idea of a wealthy, abled(?), straight(?), white trans man singing about issues that affect non-transmasculine nonbinary people, trans women, LGBQA trans people, poor trans people, disabled trans people, and trans people of color more than they'll ever affect him.

The song does, however, bring to light some valuable discourse for the trans community. And the fact that Roland is trans makes the song completely different than if he'd been cishet. 

It's okay for him to criticize the LGBTQIA community because he's part of it, and because as a trans person he has been institutionally oppressed by the cis gay people he's criticizing.

If he was cishet, he'd just be invading a space that he wasn't part of and talking over actual LGBTQIA people to condemn other LGBTQIA people.

See the difference?

I am...fucking cringing. Okay, yes, I still believe Adamh Roland had a point with his song but categorically treating gay men and lesbians like assimilationists who oppress the rest of the community is not cool, I don't care how progressive you think you're being. And I also feel like there's just a lot of pressure in the LGBT community to reject everything associated with traditionalist heterosexuality and I get why, but the problem is that it leads to shaming people who are "too straight" or ignoring that a gay relationship that looks heteronormative to you is still a gay relationship and there's nothing heteronormative about that. Like, I'm a femme who loves domesticity and rarely wears pants and loves cooking and wants nothing more than to live in a little house in the suburbs with my butch wife who does all the household repairs for me and our two cats and dog and have a vegetable garden and go to church and have barbecues with the neighbors and go for walks around town together on our days off and travel together and have our nieces and nephews visit for sleepovers and stay up way too late and get hyper because we're the cool aunts who gave them s'mores and cocoa, and I feel like whenever I express those desires I'm told that I just want to kiss up to the straights and like my desires are somehow regressive compared to, like, fucking Erika Moen, or a demisexual cishet woman with stretched ears and tattoos who likes to spank her fucking bearded indie hipster boyfriend. Like, no, that fantasy is still two married commie dykes who are both at least a little genderweird.  It ain't heteronormative. 

So, yeah, I'm a little wary of anything that posits gay people as assimilationist or universally "rich, white, and gay."

• Us using the Q-slur doesn't mean you get to.

I use the word queer. I describe myself as queer.

And that's okay, because I'm taking something that's used as a slur against people like me, people who don't conform to rigid standards of sexual and gender identity, and I'm turning it into something positive and even empowering.

Cishet dyadic people don't have that same connection to the word. It's not part of their cultural history or identity, it was never used to systematically oppress them, and it describes a minority group that they'll never be part of.

For me, it's a tool of oppression turned into a reclaimed slur. For them, it's a word used to silence anything outside of their arbitrary norms.

Within the LGBTQIA community, there are several different attitudes surrounding the word.

Some people don't use it at all and don't want anyone else to either.

Others are okay with others using it for themselves, but not as an umbrella term and not to describe anyone else.

Others are okay with other LGBTQIA using it for themselves and as an umbrella term, but not with cishet people using it.

Some LGBT people aren't okay with cishet people, heteroromantic asexuals, aromantic heterosexuals, or aromantic asexuals using it, but accept it as a reclaimed slur and/or umbrella term by LGBT people (and I, for one, believe that unless they're aro or ace themselves, they shouldn't be telling any aro or ace that they can't say it). Being ace or aro doesn't make you a fucking kweer what the fuck also how does being a literal gay or trans person uncomfortable with cishets using a slur mean you're out of your lane? And what about all the LGBT aros and aces who are uncomfortable with it, do they just not matter?

The consensus, though, seems to be this: if you're cishet and dyadic, don't say the Q slur. The same applies to f***ot and d*ke, by the way. And if you aren't MGA, even if you're gay, don't say bi*et or bis**t.

Okay so my feelings on being called queer are in the FAQ. I do call myself a dyke, obviously. And no, you can't do it too.

• There are more than two genders.

The reason I bring this up now is so that I can explain the BPQ+ community.

You might have heard of nonbinary people by now (people whose genders aren't solely male or solely female). Or you might have heard the term for the first time when I described myself as nonbinary in this post.

If you've heard the term before, you might be under the assumption that nonbinary genders were invented on Tumblr to make teenagers feel special. Nonbinary people get that assumption a lot, and it's obnoxious and ignorant. You aren't cute, you're just transphobic (and, from personal experience, probably also ableist and misogynistic).

Click the link. Nonbinary people have always been around. You just didn't notice, and that's no accident.

And, because there's more than two genders, there's obviously people who are attracted to more than two genders.

Yes, in Latin or something, bi meant two.

Language changes. And the vast majority of the bi community doesn't define our orientation as "attracted to cis men and cis women" (despite what non-bis and some cis bi people seem to think). The definition of bisexuality - or biromanticism, for that matter - is the attraction to two or more genders.

Some bi women aren't attracted to men. Some bi women aren't attracted to women. Some bi men aren't attracted to women. Some bi men aren't attracted to men. Some bi people are attracted to multiple genders, but not all. Others are attracted to all.

The polysexual community is another under the MGA/BPQ+ umbrella, and perhaps the least well-known. Polysexuality - and polyromanticism - is the attraction to three or more genders.

The pan community is definitely less-known than the bi community, but seems to have more awareness than the ply community. Pansexuality and panromanticism is the attraction to all genders or the attraction regardless of gender. Laci Green is pansexual, and I've included a video of her explaining her sexuality in the coming out resources.

So why do we need more terms, you ask? Why not just use bi?

There's no real reason. It's just personal preference.

Oh my god no. First of all everyone is attracted to nonbinary people and being attracted to us doesn't automatically make you bi. I'm not super active in being critical of these identities because in my experience a lot of people view pan and poly people as acceptable targets for biphobia, but pansexuality and polysexuality were formed out of transphobic misconceptions of bisexuality, and bi and nonbinary and trans people have all discussed how harmful it is to us to say that bisexuality doesn't include all genders or that being into trans people (who are already included in every sexuality anyway! And so are nonbinary people!) makes you bi. I'm nonbinary, a lesbian or a straight man attracted to me isn't bi. If I'm into another nonbinary person, that doesn't make me bi either as long as their gender isn't male-leaning.

• Your loved one doesn't owe you progeny.

If you're a parent or grandparent who is reading this because your child or grandchild came out to you, or you're a sister or brother whose sibling came out to them, you might need this.

Chances are, before this revelation, you were expecting your loved one to eventually be in a heteronormative marriage and to give you biological nieces, nephews, or grandchildren. And now you're realizing there's a good chance that won't happen.

First of all, it might. Your loved one could use a surrogate or a sperm donor.

Second, your assumption is cissexist. Monogamous couples consisting of one trans man and one cis man are sometimes able to reproduce. So are couples with one cis lesbian and one trans lesbian. Your loved one could also choose to co-parent with someone with whom they can get pregnant. They might also settle down with a nonbinary person.

Third, your loved one might adopt or foster children. It's considerably harder for LGBTQ couples to accomplish this, however, due to homophobia.

Fourth, you worrying more about whether you can have a kid to spoil than about your loved one's wellbeing and happiness is actually really selfish. Just because you're related to them doesn't mean they have to have a kid to make you happy. Have your own damn kid, if it matters to you so much.

This is okay actually.

• No, not all bisexuals want threesomes.

Why would anyone ever think this? Non-bis are weird.

It isn't non bis thinking all bisexuals want threesomes and endangering bisexuals because of it. It's straight people, and they also apply that assumption to gay people, especially lesbians. Like for example, I have my Tinder set to women only for now but I still get so many thirsty fetishistic cishet men and couples on my feed, either just blatantly disrespecting lesbians' boundaries or thinking that a lesbian would want to have a threesome involving a man when they wouldn't ever consider asking a straight man to do the exact same thing.

• Just because they're attracted to theirs same gender, doesn't mean they're attracted to EVERYONE of that gender.

Yes, straight women, it is still safe for you to change in front of your LBPQ friends and relatives. And straight men, I'm fairly sure that your friends are not, in fact, looking at your ass just because you're showering in the same locker room and they happen to be into guys.

Do you people just think you're really hot or something? I don't understand. You wouldn't assume that a straight woman is attracted to every man ever, or that a straight man is attracted to every woman. Why would you assume that about LGBQ people - especially if they're RELATED to you!?

Just because they complimented you or hugged you or smiled at you doesn't mean they're flirting with you, either. They're probably just being friendly, but this stereotype has caused me to distance myself a lot from girls.

Even when I was in the closet, I realized that they would be suspicious of me if I even looked at them wrong. And it probably would have been even harder if I'd been assigned male, because teenage boys are less emotionally open with each other than teen girls.

And I didn't even understand flirting. I didn't particularly want to date, and I was mostly confused or annoyed when I heard my peers talking about sex (something they did incredibly often, and incredibly loudly). But I knew I thought girls were hot, and sometimes felt attracted to them. And I was terrified of this "gaydar" thing all the straight kids seemed to think they had. So I was very careful about how I looked at girls, talked to them, and acted around them.

Since then, I've realized that "gaydar" doesn't exist in straight people. Ever. They only assume ever assume anyone is straight or gay, which is monosexist. And if they do assume that someone's gay, it's either because that person is doing something sexually or romantically coded with a person of their same gender (or who is perceived to be of their same gender) at that exact moment - and this doesn't always even apply when it's women doing the sexually or romantically coded thing - or because they fit certain stereotypes, like speaking with a lisp, liking Tegan and Sara, or dressing in a way that's gender nonconforming.

Straight people amaze me.

And, obviously, I fit the third stereotype. So a lot of people assume I'm a cis lesbian whenever I'm wearing something masculine. Since I do this fairly often, and since my personal fashion sense tends to be pretty similar to the fashion trends followed by many masculine or androgynous LGBQ women (plaid, beanies, bowties, button-down shirts, skinny jeans, etc.), I can understand the confusion...I think.

Because of that, a lot of them instantly feel threatened by me. Straight boys either mock me because I don't look like a straight cis girl, or assume I'm going to hit on their girlfriends (I've decided my hotness gives them an inferiority complex and they're afraid their girlfriends will like me better). Straight girls either assume I have crushes on them or alienate me because they don't want anyone thinking they're lesbians - god forbid anyone think for even one second that they're a gross dyke, after all. (Yes, I understand that #NotAllStraightPeople do this. Please put the cries of heterophobia away now.)

Truth is, I have no plans for any of that. Not only am I entirely disinterested in flirting, but straight cis girls honestly scare me a little. They have harassed me for my gender expression when I didn't even approach them, they call clothing "boyfriend" if butch lesbians like it, and they seem to have a bizarre heterosexist obsession with figuring out exactly who is and is not gay. I'm telling you, it's freakish.

I'm getting off track. I can rant about the antics of the straighties in another post.

Point is, you probably have a lot of internalized biases about LGBQ people. And that might be your own fault. You might actually just be a piece of shit.

But I'm going to assume you're not a piece of shit and that you're just a person who grew up in a homophobic society. Because we all did. Homophobia is everywhere. It's been drilled into us before we ever knew that Heather could have two mommies. We just have to make the choice to fight against it.

One of the biases that you might have internalized is that gay and bi people are attracted to everyone of their same gender. This is highly illogical and patently untrue - and actually, I'm wondering why it isn't straight cis guys we're worried about.

LBPQ women, straight and BPQ+ trans guys, and DFAB nonbinary people who are into women can, mysteriously, walk into a locker room filled with naked women, not stare, and treat them like humans. I do it. And one of my friends is a bisexual cis girl who is involved in sports and has been for years. Because of the locker rooms, she sees other girls naked or at least scantily clad on a pretty regular basis.

Guess what? She actually doesn't seem to care. Just because she's attracted to other girls doesn't mean she's going to turn all horny and shit any time she's in a situation with them that could potentially be sexualized. Just because she's friends with girls, guys, and nonbinary people doesn't mean she's attracted to all of her friends.

But if a fourteen-year-old girl wears shorts and a tank top to school, and her bra strap shows, she's suddenly a "distraction" to her male classmates and even to her male teachers. If adults are sexualizing this child, they shouldn't be working around minors in the first place.

Am I the only one worried about that? Am I the only one with any sense left in this godforsaken society? Why aren't we more worried about straight cis men?!

 Straight women, why the hell doesn't this tell you that you should be more worried about your straight male friends being attracted to you than your lesbian/bi/pan/queer friends? We're not the ones talking about the "friend zone" when you don't have sex with us after we're nice to you!

And why would ANYONE worry about this with their relatives? If your cousin, of all people, has seen you naked dozens of times before coming out to you, it's very likely that after you know they're gay or bisexual, nothing needs to change. Believe it or not, we're no more into incest than straight people.

Like, I know. Shocker. But being bisexual literally just means that I'm attracted to multiple genders. Not that I'm hypersexual (...? I'm on the asexual spectrum...there are times when I go about three or four months in a row without feeling sexual attraction...), not that I'm into threesomes, not that I'm into incest, not that I'm incapable of controlling myself around people when I am sexually attracted to them. It means that I'm attracted to multiple genders. That's it.

And the fact that anyone would assume it meant anything else, when they wouldn't assume those same things about a straight person, is homophobic and biphobic.

So don't do it. Don't be a douche. And do actually educate yourself.

I'm actually ok with most of this? Like the hetties are ridiculous lmao. But it's even more relevant now that part of my job description includes watching women piss in a cup and doing body searches (I don't touch them anywhere and am just focused on making sure they don't have drugs) and how some people would react to that if I told them. Okay, here's the thing, in that specific circumstance there's literally nothing sexual about it and it's mostly just awkward for everyone involved. Also, if you're curious, the most I've actually seen so far was a little pubic hair, often from women older than my mom. There's also a gay male employee who does the men's tests a lot of the time and he feels similarly about the whole thing. And when I'm changing in a women's locker room or in front of a straight woman I just look away? I do have, like, self control and shit. A lot more boring than anyone was expecting, I'm sure.

This has been the first in the series of So Your Loved One Came Out posts. Signing off, this has been Mod Eli.