Whiteness, Religion, and Gender

So for those of you who don't know, I did an Ancestry DNA test (using a fake name because I was worried about people spying on me) way after it was trendy. If you look at my fair, peachy, burns-if-you-look-at-it-funny skin, ash blond hair that was red when I was a baby and according to my girlfriend still has a little bit of red in it, and blue eyes, and if you know that my last name is either Scottish Gaelic or Old English according to Google, my results of 50% England, Wales, and Northwestern Europe, 30% Irish and Scottish, and 20% Germanic Europe, will not surprise you at all. And, I mean, they actually did surprise my very Italian-looking extended paternal relatives and kind of did surprise even me since even a lot of my mom's relatives look weirdly Greek or Turkish for some reason and my grandpa apparently used to get mistaken for black in the summer when he was working in construction and got super tan all the time (for the record, though, his brother and sister both took the test and their results ended up similar to mine), but whatever.

The reason I'm making this post is because finding out more about where my ancestors predominantly come from and being able to trace our heritage to a specific location in Ireland made me want to learn more about my Irish heritage. I was interested in Irish mythology even when I identified as an evangelical Christian, but now I'd love to get more involved in the Gaelic polytheist community, travel to Ireland, learn Irish folk dancing (fun fact: this is actually a tradition in my mom's family and I have a little cousin who is a champion Irish folk dancer, who has a little sister following in her footsteps), fulfill my and my girlfriend's burning desire to legalize polygamy so we can marry Becky Lynch, grow out my hair once I'm on T and start braiding it in this really cool way I've heard of people doing in ancient Ireland. I've even started learning the Irish language but my language app keeps malfunctioning so it's hard to learn how things are pronounced.

I've been involved in pagan, witch, generally occult-y discourse surrounding white spiritual nerds like yours truly and our relationship to cultures of color - or, more specifically, the spirituality found in those cultures.

Okay, so, I've been to Diwali and Dia de los Muertos celebrations hosted by South Asian and Mexican American people respectively. They were choosing to share their cultures with the public and to include white people in that and I was as respectful as I knew how to be and had a great time. I've also gotten henna and mehndi tattoos done by Arab and Desi women respectively and have always found them gorgeous. I also love Indian, Mexican, and Thai food and for my last birthday I went to a Thai restaurant that, as far as I know, was owned and operated by Thai people. So it's not that I have anything against respectfully participating in marginalized cultures as a white person. I do have something against white people taking off-limits cultural practices and profiting off them, especially while disrespecting the actual members of those cultures or neglecting to contribute anything to their communities (i.e. financial compensation or at the very least solidarity and an acknowledgment that white privilege is a thing).

For example, smudging, sweat lodges, this one thing I read about awhile back where it was like some kind of "rainbow tribe" thing that had been inspired by Native cultures but was apparently more for white pagans and was not run by Native people. Basically just the kind of thing that I come across constantly living in a predominantly white hipster suburb. And I don't think it's intentionally racist because I don't think most people just go through life actively choosing to be assholes to marginalized people.

But, as I've heard from a lot of people of color and learned from the sociology classes I've taken that were taught by people of color and discussed with occultists of color, "not intentionally racist" doesn't mean "not racist." It's racist for white people to be profiting off cultures of color, which is why if I want a dream catcher, white sage, etc. for spiritual purposes I buy those things from actual Native people.

A lot of white Americans aren't engaged with our own cultures because our ancestors gave up those cultures in order to assimilate into whiteness. And which is why a lot of anti-racist occultists propose that white occultists learn more about our ancestors' practices and get involved with them. It's interesting and educational for us, helps us to take pride in our heritage without engaging in some "I'm proud to be white and if you have a problem with that you're the REAL racist!" nonsense, and keeps other white people from appropriating closed religions from marginalized cultures.

What many white people, including myself at one point, don't understand is that nobody actually gives a shit if we're proud of our cultures or participate in them. Like, do you want to make baklava and spanakopita? Hell yeah, Greek food is delicious. Do you want to buy a kilt and learn to play the bagpipes? Cool. Put your hair in viking plaits? Speak Italian? Practice Rodnovery? Visit your family's Saami territory? Rad.

What's not okay is when that turns into "I'm so proud to be white" or "Europe birthed the most beautiful and powerful traditions in the world" or "the blonde hair and blue eyes of our great nation's women are a beautiful symbol of innocence" or "as a white person, my ancestors are the most intelligent and influential that the world has ever seen" or anything else that positions you and your whiteness as superior to indigenous cultures. The difference between being proud of your culture as a Bulgarian or Norwegian or Russian person and being proud of being white is that one is being proud of a rich and diverse culture that includes ethnic minorities among its number and has endured its own struggles and history, while the other is being proud of benefiting from someone else's oppression by virtue of belonging to a privileged class that has historically been a cause of great pain and suffering and has a lot of blood on its hands as a result.

I wholeheartedly agree in theory that white occultists should learn more about our backgrounds and practice Hellenism, Asatru, Paganacht, Religio Romana, or Rodnovery rather than appropriate indigenous religions and blow smoke in the face of a Buddha statue while wearing yoga pants with the image of a Hindu deity on the ass, but I think the way we carry this out can be racist in practice.

For example, I have a friend whose mom is African-American and whose dad is a white Greek immigrant. If she decided to become a Hellenist, I'm sure a lot of white Greek Hellenic polytheists would have a problem with that and cite some bullshit about "blood and soil" and "purity" and how she doesn't have a right to Greek religion because she has no ancestral ties to it because she's black. Even though she totally does - have every right to be a Hellenist and have ties to Greek culture and heritage. I was also introduced to Aphrodite worship by a black Aphrodite devotee who is not mixed race, and she has every right to be a Hellenist too. It's an open religion. But the same white Greek Hellenists who got involved with Hellenism as a way of connecting to their ancestors and then used that cultural pride as an excuse to be racist to Hellenists of color - even Greek people of color! - have never given me shit for being a Hellenist who isn't Greek.

I understand that, as a white Irish pagan woman who practices some aspects of Celtic religion and is getting more involved with my ancestry, some people might try to weaponize me and my experiences against people of color. Which I am not at all okay with and want to state that I do not respect or affiliate myself with white supremacy and will never see racist beliefs as acceptable or normal.

That kind of racist puritanical shit happens pretty regularly with European revivalist paganism, and it's a very interesting and polarizing issue because the way that people react to white supremacist pagans who want to keep their religion "pure" reveals a lot about who that individual is as a person. Either they're just as racist as the more outspoken white supremacists already, they're not but also "don't judge based on politics" and "get along with everyone" but are actually either a colorblind racist or just don't want to get into an argument or stand up to anyone, they're pro-inclusion but also don't respect religions and practices that actually are closed, or they're anti-racist.

I want to alienate any fellow white person who isn't anti-racist from my practice as a pagan. Hellenism is a religion that mandates hospitality and friendship, and Aphrodite is a war goddess who is said to represent the bonds between people. These beliefs will only expand as I learn more about Irish paganism. To strive for anything less than complete racial equity and liberation, to hold any tolerance for racist beliefs whether my own or anyone else's, would be anti-pagan and anti-human.

The Gender Tag - Third Time's The Charm

I know I've been gone forever and honestly I'm not sorry. Depression is a bitch and a half to deal with, I had other things to do, and I've mostly been using my other blog as a way to talk about leftist issues since it allows for more interaction, has a larger platform, and covers a wider range of topics. And I'm now registered for 16 credits during fall semester - damn I really need to get on psych meds - and have an internship coming up after that. The sooner I finish my BSW, start my MSW, and actualy begin working in the social work field, the sooner I can help people on a more material, immediate basis through real-life community organizing and mental healthcare. While getting paid for it! The dream, baby.

Plus, you know, I'll probably be moving to either Detroit or Toronto before too much longer, I have to deal with some pretty intense personal legal stuff, I'm thinking about going back to vegetarianism, and I'm starting my medical transition this year now that my therapist agreed to send in a referral to the hormone clinic at U of M.

Aaaaaaand on top of that I have a girlfriend now! I don't want to give out any personal details, since I have their privacy to think about, but honestly hanging out with them  is a lot more compelling than essentially acting as a walking, talking, typing feminist political statement. So this might be my last post.

1. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

Transgender, nonbinary, gender nonconforming, pine, and woman are the labels I've used. If I want to get into more specific nonbinary labels, androgyne, demigirl, and gender fluid are probably most accurate. But, honestly, I don't see the point in using more specific nonbinary labels for myself.

I have a weird relationship to the word transgender though. Like, one the one hand, I'm part of the trans community, I've experienced transphobia even though I conditionally pass as cis, and I almost never see anyone saying that male-aligned nonbinary people shouldn't identify as trans the way they'll straight up attack female-aligned nonbinary people for it the minute the word forms on our lips. Which kind of makes me want to call myself trans out of spite.

On the other, I feel like trans has more of a binary connotation, a disconnect from one's assigned sex and a connection to the binary gender that is different from one's assigned sex. And while I have these weird random days where I just start thinking of myself as a guy or as my girlfriend's boyfriend, the word "man" hasn't really ever been one that I have any desire to apply to myself. I did question if I was a trans man for awhile, but interacting in LGBT spaces as a trans man felt forced and my connection to gay womanhood was too strong and ultimately isn't something I ever want to give up completely. Plus, in some ways I feel like I have more in common with GNC women who lived before gender in the LGBT community was as cut-and-dry as it is now than I do with some younger nonbinary people today.

I basically think of myself as trans and use it as a label the same way I do the word gay - if asked how I identify I probably wouldn't say "I'm trans" since it's kind of misleading, but I do jokingly refer to myself as like "trans as fuck" or whatever and I do seriously identify as part of the trans community and use the label as a way to express my relationship to transphobia, since the people who have been hostile and cruel to me because of my gender don't actually understand, respect, or care how I identify. And I do have a lot of common ground with some trans men.

I used to identify as a tomcat, but more and more bi women of color have said that they didn't feel comfortable using the name of an animal to describe their gender and sexuality since a lot of white people compare them to animals already, and some black bi women have also said that they associate words like doe and stag with the stereotype of the black buck. So bi women have been trying to come up with new terms for ourselves.

Tomme and damme are the ones I've heard suggested most frequently but honestly I'm not a huge fan. They don't roll off the tongue nicely, they look and sound too much like femme, there's too many Ms and it irrationally annoys me, and they're not all that accessible to d/Deaf and hard of hearing bi women, bi women with speech impediments, and bi women who speak English as a second language, since they sound incredibly similar to one another. I don't judge other bi women for using them but I don't plan to personally.

I was actually recently in a bi-women-only discord thread where we were trying to come up with new labels, and the ones that got coined were pine and rose.

Pine essentially refers to bi women - and, debatably, other WLW - who reject femininity partially or wholly, who use their overt gender nonconformity to attract women (and other genders) and to be more true to themselves. This is the one that refers to bi women like me.

Rose refers to bi women - and, debatably, other WLW - who subvert femininity by performing it for other women, expressing and experiencing feminine womanhood in a way that is informed by their complicated relationship to gender as LGBT women.

2. What pronouns honor you?

He/him, but I honestly care a lot more that I'm not exclusively referred to as she/her.

3. What style of clothing do you most often wear?

I have a Pinterest board dedicated completely to fashion, actually! It's separated into multiple sections: one for casual wear, one for work clothes, one for formal clothes that I could wear to a wedding, one for shoes, one for hair, and one for makeup and skincare. And it's a little of everything.

I would say that I'm more androgynous, and my gender nonconformity is visible enough that people have asked me about it. I've been mistaken for a cis butch lesbian multiple times and my girlfriend was amazed when I told her that I occasionally wear dresses and leggings.

I feel really drawn to like, that one specific kind of "dapper" women's masculinity where it's all frat boy clothes. I also like a lot of things with skulls on them and superhero/nerd merch, which is an interesting combination. And tacky brightly colored 80s clothes, funky men's button down shirts, and button-downs under sweaters (for fall). Right now I mostly wear t-shirts or tank tops with denim shorts, and I like denim shorts or overall shorts with muscle shirts or t-shirts with the sleeves ripped off as well. And I have this pair of like, men's athletic shorts I think, and they're black and really good for bike riding since they don't chafe. I have another, similar pair in patterned black and gray.

I also got my first croptop last month at Pride and it's so comfortable and cute without being super feminine and the fabric is SO soft and it breathes nicely too. It's gray and says "Suck It, Suicide!" on the chest in white cursive, with the national suicide prevention hotline number on the back.

For shoes I've mostly been wearing this pair of men's leather sandals that look like they belong to a middle aged white dad who calls everyone "buddy" and "sport" and always wants to fire up the grill. In colder weather though, it's usually hiking boots, leather boots, Converse, or just my work shoes since they're just black tennis shoes anyway.

For jewelry I have a thing for androgynous, kind of surfer looking jewelry and I bought some of it that I really liked in Mexico for a really good deal. So I have a lot of that. And I wear the religious jewelry I made in my art class a couple of years ago.

4. Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you choose to shave? What do you choose to shave, or not shave?

I haven't had hair longer than six inches since I was maybe sixteen, but once I look masculine enough that it's not a dysphoria issue I might grow it out and braid it.

It's buzzed down to like half an inch right now, but it's been in a lot of styles this year. Pixie cut, dyed blue, dyed green, side shave, once a failed but (thankfully) not totally disastrous experiment involving lines shaved into it. I think I paid for a haircut like. Three times in the past year.

I shave my armpits about twice a week, the middle of my eyebrows maybe once a month, and everything else about once every six months or so. There's no real schedule to it, I just do it whenever I think it needs to be done.

5. Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What soaps and perfumes do you use, if any?

I bite my nails too much to make nail polish a viable option, my skin is too sensitive for most makeup and perfumes even if it wasn't a dysphoria trigger and even if it didn't piss me off that women are pressured to hide our natural features in order to be deemed presentable for public consumption, and I use unscented soap. I've thought about nail polish and brightly colored lipstick once I'm on testosterone long enough that it doesn't lead to me being clocked immediately.

6. Have you experienced being misgendered? How often?

Yes, constantly, but I'm out on campus now and the professors are trained in diversity stuff and some people are better about it than I thought, so it doesn't happen as often as it used to.

Something I'm concerned about is that one of my younger coworkers is starting at my university soon and wants to be a social worker too, but she's a freshman and I'm a junior so we'll have totally different classes and it's unlikely we'll run into each other that often. Plus, I mean, it's social work. If one of her coworkers being trans and not wanting to be outed at work is something that would faze her now, she won't last five minutes once she's actually out in the field and interacting with a diverse range of clients and probably a member of the NASW - an organization that literally promotes respect for minorities and our dignity and self-determination in its values and ethics.

7. Do you experience dysphoria? How does it affect you?

Yes, both physically and socially, and it fluctuates.

Even though I'm physically dysphoric, my biggest issue with my body is that people keep reminding me of it. I once saw a spoken word poem that likened this feeling to having a penis on your elbow and people always pointing it out.

I don't bind, partially because of how it worsened my chronic pain and partially because the constant pain was a dysphoria trigger in itself and perpetually reminded me of why and how much I needed the binder. And my chest is big enough that I couldn't ever really get it flat so there was really no point.

I do have a packer though and I feel like that helps. It does make me feel more masculine. Like I said, I'm going on T this year to help my dysphoria over my voice and fat and muscle distribution. And I want a breast reduction within the next ten years.

8. Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Would you want to carry a child, if that's an option for you? Would you want to be the primary caretaker for any child you have?

I'd rather be an avuncular figure, like a godparent maybe. That way I can return the kids to their parents when they start getting annoying or mouthy or overwhelming.

Besides, if my girlfriend and I are together that far down the road, kids aren't really a viable option for us. She's infertile and pregnancy is a dysphoria trigger for me.

And even with adopted kids, it's just unrealistic and impractical. She can't work or drive because of her disabilities and has a history of fainting spells that could endanger a small child if she was left alone with them for too long - like if she didn't wake up in time to deal with the kid's needs or passed out while holding a baby. And, as a social worker, even though the field I picked is pretty financially stable, it's not really enough to support both of us and a growing kid, even with their disability money and money from the foster system factored in. Hell, we'll probably need a roommate or to rent a room out just to cover everything for the two of us, especially since they might need a service dog someday. Thankfully, though, my girlfriend shares my feelings on kids and isn't really bothered anymore by the idea of never being a parent, especially since they have a goddaughter to spoil already.

9. Talk about money. Is it important to you to provide for a family if you choose to have one? Is it important that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Do you feel uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?

It's pretty necessary that I do at this point, really. My girlfriend and I generally avoid expensive dates, though. We mostly just swim at the pool near my house or play video games at hers. Once we saw fireworks together and another time we walked around the local park after her Braille class. And it doesn't bother me when other people pay for me as long as I know they have more money than I do.

10. Is there anything else you'd like to share about your experience with gender?

Not really.