That Went Well

Remember when I mentioned CJ (not their real name, btw)? The other nonbinary kid I befriended last spring, who decided to start a club for the LGBTQIA kids at our high school?

Well, the first meeting was on Monday.

To start, I should mention...I tend to be really self-conscious about coming out as trans, even to other MOGAI kids. I've pretty much stopped caring who knows I'm bi, and if asked I will tell people that I'm gray-ace and gray-romantic. Even that, for me, is huge progress. It wasn't so long ago that I came out for the first time and needed a chair because I almost passed out.

My gender, though...that's more of a sensitive spot. Over all, I consider my gender expression androgynous or fluid, but I also definitely have more traditionally feminine traits and interests than traditionally masculine. 

I'm closeted at home, so I can't use a professionally made binder. I stopped using homemade binders awhile ago, even though I have chest dysphoria. It is possible to bind safely, but because of my sensory issues and body type doing so with anything homemade can be physically painful. Pretty much everything I've ever heard about being read as male or gender-neutral as a DFAB person is meant for trans people with, like, swimmer hips and a B-cup. Definitely not me.

The binding tips? Oh, sure, if I'm lucky I might get some occasional stares when I walk into a public bathroom or briefly confuse the secretary in the counselor's office when I ask for a pad. And I look androgynous in some of my senior pictures, thanks to my own stubbornness winning out over my mother's. But no one looking at me from the front or side would think I'm a guy.

Most binders, even professionally made ones, won't hide wide hips or an arch at the small of my back, though. And no binder can conceal my butt, the shape of my legs, my high-pitched voice, my small hands and feet, my lack of an Adam's apple, my round face, or my soft jawline. Even my mouth looks feminine. I get a lot of compliments from cis girls and women on how pretty I am. I get a lot of undressing-you-with-my-eyes stares from homophobic and biphobic "straight" guys who have no idea that if they're attracted to me, they're definitionally bisexual.

Hell, my hotness is just an objective fact; I don't blame them for finding me attractive (though undressing me with their eyes is just uncalled for). And I know they have no way of knowing why they're wrong. But just the fact that they're seeing me strictly as a girl, being forced to confront the reality that my whole life was affected aversely because of cis adults' screwed-up fixation with babies' genitalia, makes me really uncomfortable. (I'm not kidding, there are cis people who even color-code everything pink and blue so as not to confuse strangers about the crotch of their infant, and god forbid a DMAB baby wear pink because fucking Hitler decided pink was gay. I tell you, cis people are more fucked-up than I'll ever be.)

It's more than that, though. Like I said, I'm more feminine than masculine. I wore dresses almost exclusively the first two weeks of school, for example. Part of the reason for this was the heat. Part of it was my desire to feel attractive.

Despite my lack of interest in actually having sex, I enjoy feeling sexy and knowing I'm hot. Of course my worth isn't in any way tied to my physical appearance - no one's is - but I'm entitled to love my body. I deserve it.

 I feel beautiful in dresses. A dress can do amazing things to my curves and I know it. But I want to feel sexy and beautiful exclusively for myself. I don't want sexual attention, especially from monosexuals. I don't want my clothing, my makeup, my jewelry, or my body to be gendered. They have no gender, but I do and it's only partly female. I may be femme and I may have a vagina and discernible chest, but so what? Why do body parts and clothing need genders?

I know this. I've known ever since I started getting involved with Generation Z's queer scene, and never has another nonbinary person invalidated me on it. That doesn't stop me from getting defensive about how being femme and DFAB doesn't make me cis, keeping my guard up in regard to femmephobes, or feeling the need to put as much emphasis as possible on my masculine and androgynous traits.

CJ, and most other nonbinary DFAB teenagers I know, look visibly gender-nonconforming all the time. I don't.

And I use that as protection sometimes, I admit. Ever since that terrifying moment when I realized I was bi, I've used my femininity as a shield.

Lesbophobes and sapphobes have a very monolithic image of women-loving women and nonbinary people who are attracted to women, and that image is masculine and hypersexual. When they talk shit about the family I've found in the past two years, it hurts and angers me, and I'm very territorial about it. But as long as I present femme, they can pretend I'm cishet. As long as their precious heterosexism and cissexism stays intact, they don't know how badly they've hurt me. They don't know that they've gotten exactly what they want.

I should have known other queer girls and genderqueer people, of all people, would understand that. Many of us had been there - we'd worn lipstick and heels because doing so would be a shield against transphobic and homophobic violence, humiliation and degradation, or stinging, scathing comments. Others just enjoy being feminine. And both are okay! Being feminine is  totally our choice. We deserve to love ourselves, to feel attractive, and to prioritize our own safety. Queer femmes are as much a part of the community as masculine or androgynous people, period. No one has the right to judge us based on our gender expression.

And they didn't! I was presenting androgynous at our first meeting, but I've worn makeup, jewelry, infininity scarves and feminine clothing since and no one has judged me for it. It's so freeing, honestly, to know that I can be as femme or androgynous or butch as I want and never be seen, in the eyes of this one group of people, as more or less nonbinary.

More importantly, I've found others like me. Everyone in the club, except for our sponsor and about two kids, is some variety of queer, and many of them are also nonbinary or gender-nonconforming. They share my experiences and won't judge me for talking about them because they get it. It's true that no two queer narratives are exactly alike, but we all had a common bond. And that feels really good. I can relax around other queer teens, and feel camaraderie with them, in a way that's hard for me to do when I'm one of the only queer people in the room.

Unfortunately, however, a lot of us hadn't turned in our permission slips. Some people just forgot. There are others who aren't out to their parents, and others whose parents are in denial, and still others who just can't afford the club fee.

So we don't know for sure what's going to happen. But I've kept in contact with the other teens, especially CJ and this one girl, a panromantic homosexual* named Nicole**, whom I've started getting close to. We're texting, talking in the halls (Nicole and I once managed to really freak out these two straight girls who were listening to our conversation and gawking at us. Once we realized they were listening, we said hi to them and they just ran off. It was actually kind of tragically funny), and exchanging information.

Nicole's a Unitarian Universalist, and when I came out to her as a pagan she invited me to her church. So that could be really nice. I've never faced a whole lot of queerphobia at my Catholic parish, over all, and there are some people there who know I'm pagan (speaking of which, I found this great apple recipe for Samhain. I'll let you know how it goes).

But I know there are some others in the church who are queer-/paganphobic or who think our rights are "debatable". And it would be really nice to have a faith community where the idea of me gaining rights doesn't make people uncomfortable. The UU community is generally very feminist, according to Nicole, and they allow people of multiple faiths and traditions. There's a lot of emphasis on finding one's own truth, as well as mutual respect and social justice. Her minister is a lesbian, so obviously homophobia gets shut down pretty fast. That doesn't say much about how bi, trans, or aro/ace spectrum people are treated, but I'm staying optimistic.

I have friends at my current church that I don't get to see that often, and those friendships are really important to me. Many people in the parish have become like my second family, and some of them are in my chosen family. It's not like I'm ever going to cut off contact with these people. I just want to try out a new faith community that's more pagan-friendly, and get closer to my new friend by finding out more about this really important part of her life.

I'll try to update everyone to let you know what's going on. Until then, I'm signing off.

*Yes, I realize that homosexual is often considered an offensive term. I also realize that it's the label Nicole chooses to use for herself.
**Nicole isn't her real name. I just don't have her permission to out her on here.

Nova Introduction

Hi everyone. My name's Cosima (she/her/hers). I'm currently majoring in biology in college while studying physics, astronomy, pathology, and virology on the side. I also work as a child care assistant and have a black and white cat named Bamboo who's about 7 years old now.

I love to read and write mostly fiction as well, though I've been working on a 8 page document of theoretical thoughts that I have been told should be my future thesis. I spend majority of my free time on YouTube and reading science fiction. Music helped me in my younger years with severe social anxiety and depression but I never would have thought I'd still be relying on it for misophonia later in life.

On the techinal side I'm agender, asexual, gray-aromantic/panromantic, athiest, and African American (I could never think of a clever name for all of those A's). As far as I know I'm the only one in my family that is outside the "norm."

While I'm quiet, I wouldn't say that I'm exactly shy. I'm extremely sarcastic and have a weird sense of humor but I'm also very open minded and like to help others if I can. This is the first blog team I've been a part of so I'm pretty excited to participate. Feel free to ask me about anything else I may have missed.

In Response to "Beauty My Dear"

TW: sex shaming, white feminism, Christianity, body shaming

For those of you who didn't already know, my cousin Abby also has a blog. It's called My Life's Pick and is mostly about her art and the book she wants to write. But last July, she wrote a post that really bothers me. I'm only responding to it now because I only just found out about it; I'm staying with our grandma and she told me.

The post is called "Beauty My Dear", and I'm going to be talking about it here.

First of all, Abby is a Christian. She was raised in a conservative Free Methodist home and never really given room to ask any question that fell outside of her authority figures' comfort zone (I think her parents support Donald Trump, that's how bad it is). And I used to have a lot of the same social and political viewpoints as her and her sisters (Ella and LiLi). So in a weird way, I can sympathize with her.

And because Abby is a Christian in America - especially a white, cis, middle-class Christian - she's sitting on a mountain of privilege that she has never really examined. She doesn't really seem to take seriously that some people - that a LOT of people - aren't Christian or have been seriously harmed by Christians.

I can understand that, sort of. I once wrote a very similar post, pleading with girls to be "strong" by not being promiscuous and not wearing low-cut shirts, by not being sexy to please boys (I'd already known I liked girls, which makes my heteronormative assumption even more screwed-up). Another feminist fiercely called me in, recognizing the misogyny I'd internalized. Her name was Willow. I hated her then, but today I wish I could track her down and thank her.

So now, I'm in the same position Willow was - having to call in a young queer girl (Abby's aromantic and heterosexual) with internalized misogyny, making allosexist and heteronormative assumptions about women's lives and bodies, making the assumption that women and teenage girls are sexual for cishet men, not for themselves. I mean, she's making a decent point about systematic socialized fatphobia and misogynistic beauty expectations, but the post is still white feminist as hell.

These are my thoughts on why it's so white feminist:

1. Women and girls shouldn't have to be "modest" to be respected.

2. Nobody has to conform to your personal ideals about beauty, modesty, and religion.

3. Women of color, especially black women, are constantly pressured to straighten their hair and to surgically "fix" their bodies in order to conform to white people's standards of beauty.

4. The identities of trans women and other AMAB trans people are often delegitimized if they don't appear feminine, with makeup and surgeries that alter their natural features, like "real" (cis) women. In addition, many of them have surgeries in order to curb dysphoria. For some transfeminine people, gender-affirming surgery and conformity to traditional western-centric femininity is a form of survival.

5. For lesbian, bi, pansexual, and other women-loving women, appearing femme and beautiful according to heterosexual gender roles can be a form of social protection.

6. Fat women are pressured to "fix" their bodies and lose weight. Shaming fat people for their choices about their own bodies is fatphobic.

7. Shaming and policing people for dressing "immodestly" and getting cosmetic surgery (unless you're, say, a black person calling out white people for appropriating your natural features - in that case, carry on!) is still body shaming and body policing.

8. Because of the way multisexual women are systematically hypersexualized and demonized, our expression of beauty and sexuality may not be objectively immodest. But it is often perceived that way by our oppressors.

9. Many teenage girls I know who have been sex-shamed because of their "immodest" appearances are asexual. Don't assume someone's sexuality because of their appearance. Sexualizing ace women without our consent is part of rape culture.

10. Just because you're queer yourself, Abby, doesn't mean you get a pass on being transmisogynistic, lesbophobic, acephobic and sapphobic by ignoring the unique needs of trans, asexual-spectrum, and women-loving women.

11. As a white girl, you absolutely don't get a pass on the sexualized, gendered racism you are (inadvertently) perpetuating by ignoring the needs of women and girls of color.

12. And do I really need to repeat this? Not everyone is Christian. Non-Christian women do not have to, and often do not want to, conform to your Christian-influenced, religiously privileged views on their bodies.

New URL

We're baaaaack! You didn't think some little technical difficulties would take your favorite Amoebas down, did you?

Well, it's our first day at our new address, everything seems to be working fine, and we're are ready for action.

First, though, I just need to say that I probably won't be posting much this month. There's so much going on - I'm trying to get a job and my driver's license, starting my senior year of high school, turning eighteen in about a month and a half, starting an LGBTQIA Spectrum Club, re-taking the ACT, and getting ready for college.

I got my schedule, and all my classes sound fine. Algebra 2, pathology, forensics, world religions, literature of the strange and mysterious, Spanish 4. Seniors at my school get first pick in scheduling, so I got everything I asked for. The only classes I really need to take, to do anything besides earn credits (which I could have done with, like, art or guitar), are math, language arts, and gym (which I have next semester).

When it comes to college and getting a job, I've never had a paying job before. But I'm starting off at community college to save money, and I have a lot of volunteer work racked up which will help my resume. I still need a scholarship, but the volunteer work, my extracurriculars, the fact that teachers generally like me (which probably has more to do with white privilege than anything I've done, tbh), and my queer activism should help with that. And my ACT score, once I re-take it...my score from my first time was a 25, but I'll probably need higher in order to get scholarship money.

 Apparently, Yankee Candle will be hiring soon, and that sounds like a good place to work. That, or Starbucks or the local poolhouse (it's indoors, and open year-round). At this point, though, I'm willing to take pretty much anything. And, while it certainly won't replace a steady job and would just give me a little extra money, I can also sell things on Etsy.

I've started looking up recipes on Tumblr and saving them to make getting a healthy dinner a little easier. So far, the recipe for roasted vegetables in olive oil has come in handy most often - I've made roasted cauliflower, roasted soybeans, roasted carrots. And I made about a month's supply of egg muffins - essentially scrambled eggs in muffin form - that are now individually wrapped in plastic and stockpiled in my freezer, to be reheated later. What with how hectic everything is and how much more hectic it will be soon, I don't really have time to cook. Things like stockpiled frozen egg muffins and quick, healthy recipes are a necessity.

There's a lot of class privilege tied up in there, given that I don't usually need to rely on burger places for my food. That's why, as soon as I get the chance, I'm going to post a masterlist of cheap, healthy recipes for people to use.

Okay...what else is new? I dyed my hair red, went to the library this week for new books, used an Old Navy gift card from my eighteenth birthday party to buy new clothes (including a sweatshirt that I like to think makes my chest almost look flat), researched how to get a chest binder without your parents knowing what it is (evidently, you can make one out of a pair of control-top women's underwear. I doubt that will work at my chest size, but it's worth a shot.)...and that's it, honestly. Nothing really interesting.

Oh, wait - my mom's old friend Brad from high school stopped by last night. My parents and Brad stayed up talking for awhile, and I think they forgot I was there because they didn't really try to be quiet at all (we fixed up a little cottage, and that's where I am now). I never have an easy time getting to sleep under even the best circumstances, so I knew that all I could really do was stay up and listen in.

Things I learned:

I have a great-uncle who's gay. I'd suspected that already, given that he was the only uncle who didn't join in when the other men in my family were talking about women, but he has a partner now and I hadn't known about that. (To be fair, I'm just straight-up awful at figuring out when people are dating. I can't really interpret social cues, and I don't understand romance and flirting.) So I'm happy for him.

I have another great-uncle (this one's dead, though) who's a Jehovah's Witness. The great-uncles in my family are apparently quite diverse.

My mom hates the Duggars as much as I do, and is actually slightly more interesting when she's had wine. She's still very white feminist, but it's a start. I'll take it.

I figure this is enough for one post. I'll include the About the Amoebas page today, the link to the coming out resources masterlist, and the link to the home page at our old URL.