Out Of The Closet

TW: Transphobic jokes, coming out, homophobic slurs, anxiety.

So... I'm out.

This is a fairly recent development. I'd come out as, (cringe) 'biromantic h*mosexual' last year. (Which is pretty much zero percent true-- I'm reasonably sure I don't like boys at all and in order to be gay, I'd have to actually be a girl).

But yesterday, there was this whole diversity presentation thing. My school is one of those liberal schools where the idea is that everyone there is super chill and radical, but the students are... slightly less on board with the idea.

Anyway, there was this ice breaker activity. I'm not quite sure what they called it. The idea is you stand up for the identities that you're part of. There was age, which I'm not quite sure why it was included-- I don't really "identify" as my age. There was race and religion. And there was gender.

I wasn't ready.

I really wish I'd been prepared because when they did call out nonbinary, I didn't think about it.

I'm lucky enough to go to a liberal school in a liberal place. I know not everyone has that privilege. I'd just like to reiterate that. This isn't a story about people getting angry and shouting at me. I wasn't ready because I hadn't thought about it.

I mean, I guess I had. I was sorta building up to coming out, but not so publicly.

I stood up and everyone saw.

I didn't think I was going to be the only one standing. I might not have came out if I knew that I was the only one who was. I mean, I'm sure that there are plenty of closeted trans folk... but still. Wow. That did not feel great.

And I really need to process this, okay?

A lot of people came up to me afterwards, calling me brave.

My crush called me brave.

I don't know why this infuriated me. Maybe because I'm not brave and maybe because I didn't even think it through properly. But I hate being called brave.

Nobody asked me if I wanted to go by any other name.

Nobody asked me what my pronouns were.

Maybe if they did, I would've told them the name I've been holding in my head and imagining people calling me for weeks. The they/them pronouns.

And then an activity where we split into boy and girl. I was just there. I just existed and that's basically been my entire life. This. That. And me. If I hadn't said anything, I'd probably just have sat with the girls. It felt freeing... but it also felt off. People 'hadn't planned' for me. Nobody thought I would even exist. It's like I'm a freaking dragon.

An LGBTQ activity. I had to push to share pronouns.

The Q slur was used as one of the Qs without asking if anyone was okay with it.

When I asked not to use it, people pretty much ignored me. "It's okay as long as you're using it positively," but it's not. I used to want to reclaim slurs, but now I don't. I don't want to reclaim any of them. I want to burn them in a fire and scorch them from this earth. I want to show the people who use them casually how it feels.

And it doesn't feel good.

Anyway. That was a side note.

I'm ADHD, which means that sitting still for presentations is already hellish enough. My anxiety was pinging all over and I was about to fucking yell at the next person who called me brave because existing is not brave. 

And boys who joke about having a friend who's 'this' or 'that,' asking for 'advice.'

You're trying to learn about a subject that makes you uncomfortable. I respect the search of knowledge. However, you're not fucking sacrificing my sanity to do it. The next White Cishet Rich Boy TM to do that to me is getting a fuck off and not an awkward dodge.


I'm not your fucking lesson.

I'm not a fucking inspiration.

Being brave shouldn't have to be a thing because you should have already made it fucking clear that it's safe. I shouldn't have to explain and I shouldn't have to be your teacher. Go fucking google it. Go. Fucking. Google.

JUST BECAUSE I'M THERE DOESN'T MEAN I'LL ANSWER YOUR FUCKING INTRUSIVE QUESTIONS.

Alright. I'm going to take a deep breath and count to ten.

THE A DOESN'T STAND FOR ALLY AND SAYING SO IS APPROPRIATION OF STRUGGLES FACED BY THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY--

Excuse me.

I think I'll take another one.

Sigh. I'm so tired of being my school's neighborhood feminist. This is why I didn't want to get into political arguments because I'm not going to be your google. Google is your google.

And I guess I should've known taking a break from politics wasn't going to work because the personal is political. I just... I'm so... so... tired. I'm tired of being kind. I'm tired of compromise and I'm tired of 'not hurting the little transphobic shit's feelings.'

Mod Dove...
For now.

EDIT: oh fuck blogging really IS therapeutic.