Girlmode

TW: dysphoria, bathrooms

So, what's been up in my life lately? Well, I got a haircut yesterday which was awesome. I guess I should take about boymode and girlmode, which is something I've been thinking about.

I feel like I've been shifting back into girl lately. Or actually, in the last few days. I have no idea what causes the shift every now and then, but I'm getting pretty good at it. I'm glad my gender is starting to feel like a girl again so the dysphoria chills the fuck down.

I went on a trip and found myself in a (stereotypical frustrating) situation. Bathrooms. Jeesh. I feel like a cliche when I complain about it, but there's a reason it's been dominating the fucking media-- they're fucking everywhere.

Girl - Boy.

Even saying that just gives me tingles of dysphoria in my chest. I experience dysphoria as a light tightening around my ribcage, just enough that I know there's something wrong and off and strange. It's not as bad as it could be, but I really dislike it. I guess everyone experiences dysphoria differently. The whoopdee fucking doo lottery of crap.

So as someone who usually experiences dysphoria when using the bathroom, it'd be extremely awesome if anxiety didn't make me think I need to go, like, every five seconds. Too bad for my, I guess, because it does.

And even in my 'liberal' area, where they're 'working on change,' they seem insistent on 'boys and girls' as a way of dividing in half. Health class was fun!--they said in the most sarcastic fucking voice ever. I'm impressed with myself I managed to be as outspoken as I was. Of course all the examples were of cis girls with cis boys but when asked, "of course these examples work with gay people too." Not an exact quote I'm fucking paraphrasing here.

And so I oh so tactically skip the last class where we divide into boys and girls to do our own little fucking thing. Because nobody plans for a semi-outspoken trans kid. Well, you should plan for me because I'm going to be here.

Even the thought of choosing one or another had me frozen (Not the movie).

I messed up my hair and did some homework instead. Speaking of messing up my hair-- this was pre-recent haircut, by the way-- it helps with the dysphoria sometimes. I know I don't actually objectively look boyish in the mirror, but the only brain that really matters is my own.

That brings me to Girlmode and Boymode.

I often times pretend I'm a ghost possessing a body. A body that is beautiful and completely disconnected from my nonbinary mindself. It doesn't usually work but at least it's something. We all have our own tricks. It also helps with thoughts of ugliness.

Girlmode and Boymode are when I dress up the body one way or another.

 Girlmode actually has nothing to do with fancy dresses. I have a denim jacket, jeans, tanktops, sometimes necklaces, and a variety of bright shades of lipstick that I put on for Girlmode. It's usually after listening to Dark and Edgy Teenage Angsty Music-- which I really do like, I just also like making fun of it.

My Girlmode smile is wide, but also doesn't show teeth. Sometimes I put on more makeup than just the lips, but not always. I also have some cool pink boots I sometimes where with girlmode. If this outfit had a color theme, it would be pink, purple, and black. Which, ironically, are my favorite colors.

It's about being different. It's about looking like a different girl, because I'm not really a girl. It makes me look at myself in the mirror and say "that person is hot." That girl is-- she's a different person. I just pretend to be her for a while.

Even if I don't really feel like myself. It's fun. I enjoy it. When I'm pretending-- it's when I'm dressing up as a girl. That's the key difference. When I dress up like a boy or a girl, I know it's make believe and I'm making people gender me that way on purpose.

Normal Me wears a hoodie, sweatpants, the occasional political t-shirt, lots of bracelets, and sneakers. I am pretty but not trying to attract anyone. Sometimes I wear flannel shirts, but that usually comes with Girlmode. My smile usually ends up extremely wide and sometimes slightly disturbing. It's the Me I want to end up eventually looking gender neutral as a default.

Unfortunately this ends up looking like also girlmode. I don't want to be in Boymode or Girlmode forever. I want Normal Me to be Neutral Mode. And if my gender shifts to be more Girlmode, then Girlmode I will be.

Boymode is different. I haven't done it as much as Girlmode. I have an oversized Harvard hoodie I wear over whatever shirt-- it doesn't matter because I don't end up taking it off. I mess up my hair and I walk differently. It's hard to explain. I walk with my legs farther apart and lean backwards. I don't smile too extremely like I often do in Normal Mode.

It's a lot about posing. I study boys much more than I do girls. Boymode and its culture confuses me, to say the least. So I end up examining boys and trying to figure out what makes Boyworld tick. I read a really good book about Boyworld-- Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men, by Micheal Kimmel. He calls it Guyland, but it's practically the same thing.

I'm intrigued the same way I'm revolted. If only I could pass as a boy! Then I would be able to join them and understand. Why do they act so angry at each other? Is it a sign of friendship or hatred that they insult each other? I often act like Boyworld is some sort of alien species and in a way, it is.

I want to understand.

I've thought about changing my name. I really do like my current name-- it's actually my middle name. My first name gave me dysphoria, and even though my current name doesn't, people hear my name and think Girlmode.

But I'm scared if I change my name again nobody will call me that.

For this to make sense, I have to confess my real name isn't actually Amber. I go by a ton of different pseudonyms on the internet because I'm extremely paranoid. I know first names probably can't do any harm, but, I'm paranoid.

I won't share my current name/original first name, but the name I think I might want, maybe-- I don't think that can do any harm. Besides. It's not like I'm ever going to be brave enough to ask people to call me by it.

I want to be a Lex.

Short for Alexander in Boymode and Alexandria in Girlmode. Or just... Lex. But like I've said, I already go by a middle name and I've had people I care about say that if I change my name again, they won't call me by it. Not for a transphobic reason, I don't think so. Just because they're stubborn.

I also named a character in one of my comics Lex for some reason and she's a girl. That might've been a mistake. I think it was probably just a name on my mind a lot. I've also considered Avalon for a while, but that seemed a bit fancy. I also considered 'borrowing' one of the ex-mods names, but I dunno, that seemed kinda rude. If anyone has any good gender neutral names that you think I might like, please leave a comment. 

Either way, picking a name isn't the problem. The problem is getting people to call me it. It's irritating enough being deadnamed when it wasn't about being trans. (Yeah, that's not just a transphobia thing, although it certainly is a lot of times. People are awful about respecting name changes. "What's your REAL name?" "No, I mean your REAL ONE."

Fuck it, the name I chose for myself-- even if it was based off a middle name-- is my real name. If I'm being totally honest, I legitimately think it would be so much better if everyone got to chose their 'Real' name when they were, like, I dunno, eighteen. At some point. The birth name would just be a stupid fucking placeholder and asking adults for their 'real' name would be considered an extremely rude social mistake.

Hey, I can dream.

Right now I think my gender might be shifting back towards girl but now I've accepted this, I don't think the dysphoria will go away when it finally reaches girl.

Or maybe not. Now I'm writing about shifting back, the dysphoria is coming again. Ugh. I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired. I had trouble sleeping last night for whatever reason.

And I'm also going to write up a list of book recommendations because why the hell not!

Mod Dove/Amber/Lex/Avalon/Whatever the Fuck They Come Up With Next