Response To The Thinking Aro

TW: pedophilia mention, rape mention, mass suicide, discussion of cults


The Thinking Aro found my last post about homophobia in the aro and ace communities, including my criticism of their (her, that is - she no longer identifies as nonbinary or butch) articles on gay Christians. She's written a response to it...and I think that's a good thing. I can appreciate some discourse.

I've read and enjoyed several of The Thinking Aro's posts before, despite what she seems to believe. I cited her posts on the word queerplatonic and why it's okay to fit aromantic stereotypes when I wrote my guide on what to do when your loved one comes out as aro. I also think she's made several excellent points about amatonormativity, which I definitely value as a grayromantic. Here are some that I particularly liked: this one about internalized amatonormativity and how even many aros don't realize that a friendship can be a committed, intimate, spiritual, emotional, sensual, primary nonromantic relationship, this one criticizing cupioromanticism, and this one on platonic kissing. I began reading her blog periodically a few months ago, and I continue to do so for that reason.

But so much of the time, when she brings up SGA people in any way, I can't help but cringe at her apparent naivete on SGA politics beyond our marginalization by Christian supremacy. While I'm not able to find the exact post at the moment, I seem to recall a time when she said something along the lines of (and I could be mistaken) "as a celibate asexual, I see only asexuality, graysexuality, and allosexuality." For me, this brings to mind all the moments when I've seen an aro or ace assume that allo privilege exists. I can't help but wonder how many other SGA aros and aces have read her posts and thought the same thing.

That said, I'm going to analyze her response to my post.

In the first paragraph:

"I actually think they’re right in their criticisms, for the most part."

Well damn, I should be considering that I have actually been an SGA Catholic* who has dealt with homophobia from other Christians - my family and childhood best friend included - and made to feel, by Christians, as though I should have to justify my existence and my right to exercise sexual agency. My criticisms come from experience.

"I apologize to the lesbian community for considering political lesbianism a valid identity or idea in the past."

Good. I'm glad you apologized, Marie. But I'm not a lesbian, and I don't feel that I should be the one telling you that your apology is accepted or that you're forgiven.

That said, I've heard of lesbians accepting bisexual women who are repulsed by men into their community. I've also heard of Kinsey fives identifying as gay instead of bisexual (as outdated as said scale is - really, it's a psychological test from the 1940s that tries to tell you how gay you are on a scale from zero to six. And it doesn't acknowledge graysexuality, romantic orientation, or nonbinary genders). Also, some lesbians date nonbinary women who also identify partially as men.

Those are probably the only acceptions to the 'women who are attracted to men can't be lesbians' rule, but you'd have to find a lesbian and ask. And, of course, even that one lesbian can't speak for her entire community. (I think that's the most frequently I've ever used the word lesbian in a single paragraph.)

"I’m going to guess, based on the A Team’s post, that none of the bloggers are Christian or otherwise affiliated with a homophobic major religion, and that they don’t know any Christian adults who are gay and voluntarily in the Church."

Yeah...your guess was wrong. Both Frey and I - though I don't know about Cosima - grew up in Christian families. Frey lived in a small town below the Bible Belt as a child and went to a church that stressed heterosexuality as the only valid option (and was aversely affected by this, considering that they're DFAB, asexual, partly a woman, and have dated women. They've talked about this before on this blog). I was a very devout Catholic throughout my first two years of high school (I'm a high school senior) and I maintain strong ties to the Catholic Church today. I, too, have gay and bisexual Christian friends and relatives (including a gay uncle in his sixties and an adult family friend who is openly gay). While they've managed to reconcile religion and sexuality, I know they've also faced homophobia from other Christians.

"I was talking about adult Christians like Sarah and Lindsay (and those who I know in my personal life) who are open about the fact that they’re gay, who accept themselves as gay, and who choose to be celibate or to participate in straight relationships because of their faith."

I read what you wrote about them, and I don't see what they're doing as wrong. Not only are their personal lives none of my business, but they also don't seem to have internalized homophobia or warped beliefs about sexuality like so many other SGA Christians. As long as they're not trying to argue that their choice to remain celibate means anyone else should do the same, I see nothing wrong with what they're doing. That's why I didn't criticize them.

Unlike Sarah and Lindsay, the men on My Husband's Not Gay have a platform that includes millions of people. Sarah and Lindsay are just two bloggers out of millions - and honestly, I doubt many people even read their work. They don't seem to be any kind of big-name blogger, like Laci Green for example. There are people, most of whom are Christians, who are going to watch that show and use it as an excuse to demonize sexually active LGBT individuals - because if they can be celibate, if they can pretend to be straight, why can't we? Whether or not these men are actually trying to harm anyone or suggest that all LGBT individuals should live like straight people, their show has the potential to do a lot of harm.

If the men are deciding to stay married to women because they've been brainwashed into denying their sexuality, there unfortunately isn't anything I or anyone else can do about that. 

I see Mormonism as a cult, and while I have no personal experience with cults I do have a teacher who does. When her cousin and his wife fell into one through their church (it's a long story involving some creep who called himself the Father and lured them in by telling them it was a Bible study), it ruined their lives. Her cousin quit his job and his wife's eating disorder relapsed after the Father played on her body image issues to make her feel vulnerable. The couple stayed in that cult until the Father told the man that God didn't want him to be with his wife - you guessed it, this predatory old man wanted the young woman for himself. The two ended up financially ruined, divorced, and miserable. It's been years and they're still trying to put their lives back together.

We talked about several other cults in that class (it was a religion class) and what I learned was horrifying. Listen to Leah Remini discuss her experiences with Scientology. Listen to the experiences of any ex-Mormon. Read about Heaven's Gate, or the mass suicide at Jonestown (you ever wonder where the saying 'don't drink the Kool-Aid' comes from? Now you know), or David Berg's abuse of young girls. Cults brainwash people. It's what they do, and when you try to leave you destroy everything good in your life.

I find it hard to believe that these men aren't motivated partly by fear. No matter how close they are to their wives, they have to stay with them even if they don't want to. Otherwise, they'll be cut off from everything and everyone they've ever loved and ex-communicated from a faith that they've belonged to their entire lives. Gay romance and gay sex won't cancel that out, you're right. But what I'm wondering is, how different would their lives have been today if they hadn't been in a situation where they'd ever had to make the choice to not have those things? Would they be happier, if they'd gotten to have both close, loving, intimate friendships and romantic-sexual relationships with people they were actually attracted to? I believe so.

"We’re not having a conversation about involuntarily single romantics. We’re talking about gay Christians who sometimes choose to be celibate and/or single for life because of their faith. Their celibacy and/or singlehood is completely voluntary. Straight-partnered gay Christians are voluntarily in their heterosexual marriages or romantic relationships. Nobody forced them to make these choices, and nobody’s forcing them to be Christians in the first place. You may want to think that they’re only Christian now because they were raised in the Church since birth and you may want to believe that they only think God disapproves of gay sex and gay romance and gay marriage because they were taught that during their youth. But if you actually listen to or read what these people have to say, you’ll find that many of them believe in Christ freely and genuinely and, as intelligent and thoughtful adults, have made their own decisions about what to believe and how to live, without their parents or their pastors lording over them.

Of course friendship isn’t enough for the vast majority of alloromantics and even for demi- and gray-romantics. You think I was born yesterday? Have you not read my blog outside of these two posts you’re criticizing? I’m acutely aware of how romantic people and romantic society feel about friendship in comparison to romance. And clearly, if these gay Christians felt that God approved of gay sex and gay romance, they would be out there doing it and they wouldn’t “settle” for friendship-as-partnership. They would live the way non-religious allo* people do."

The passage that you're referencing here wasn't specifically about voluntarily nonamorous and celibate gay Christians or those choosing to marry people they're unable to be attracted to. It's more a general problem I'd noticed in the aro community.

Also, as I said, despite being adults, gay Christians in situations where they aren't able to pursue romantic-sexual relationships involving mutual attraction often do have their parents and pastors "lording over them". You seem perfectly aware that cishet Christian parents often reject their LGBTQ children and that LGBTQ Christians face ostracization from their social circles and religious communities; how don't you realize that this still affects adults? If they hadn't been dealing with that, they might still be Christians. Hell, they probably would be. But would they still be celibate or nonamorous? I doubt it. 

Are they miserable? Probably not - as a nonamorous, romance-repulsed grayromantic who has never had sex, I know as well as anyone that there is so much more to life than sex and romance. But my choice to remain single is based on my own wants and desires. I was encouraged to date, but chose not to. At the same time, I believe that I might be happier if I had a nonromantic sexual partner because I still experience sexual attraction and still want sex - something that you're not able to relate to. My nonamory never had anything with pleasing anyone else. It was never religious or influenced by anything but my own happiness. What is the nonamory and celibacy of celibate, nonamorous gay Christians influenced by?

"As for why I felt the need to write about this subject at all, which you think I shouldn’t do because I’m not gay: I’m a celibate asexual, so the issue of celibacy and how this society talks about it and thinks about it is very much in my lane."

The issue of celibacy? Sure. That's in your lane. But there are celibate SGA people who could have tackled it just as easily. SGA asexual people exist as well. As a nonamorous gay grayromantic, I could have handled the topic of nonamorous gay people though not celibacy. Not only are all the people I listed also affected by societal discourse on celibacy and nonamory, we're affected by it as SGA people who prefer not to have sex and/or romance. A frank discussion on the lives and experiences of celibate or nonamorous gay people was very necesssary, but so many people could have handled that specific topic with a perspective that you're unable to offer. While celibacy, nonamory, and society's views on them both are indeed very much in your lane as a celibate aromantic asexual, those same things become out of your realm of experience when they're in reference to SGA people.

However, they're within mine. They're within the realm of experience of countless other SGA people.


Again, I feel I've had my say.


*I say that I'd been an SGA Catholic, rather than a gay Catholic, because I hadn't known about nonbinary genders, let alone identified with any of them, for almost all of the time I'd believed in Catholicism. I'm bisexual and I'd believed at that point that I was cis. I identify as both gay and bisexual now because my nonbinary identity means that even though I'm attracted to multiple genders, all the attraction I feel is, in some form, toward my same gender and therefore I am by definition gay.

The A-Spectrum and Homophobia

As you probably know by now, all three mods on this blog are somewhere on the aro or ace spectrum, nonbinary, and either SGA (same-gender attracted) or questioning if we are. I'm genderfluid grayro bisexual, Cosima is agender gray-panromantic ace, and Frey is a genderfluid ace who is questioning their romantic orientation. (Last time I asked, they said they were pretty sure they were either polyromantic or aromantic but it was confusing.)

And, like most other people who fall into multiple categories under the LGBTQIA umbrella, we've all faced disrespect and prejudice from different sub-communities that we identify with - both in the queer community and out of it. Ableism from the trans community, transphobia from the SGA community, racism from all of them in Cosima's case...and homophobia from the aro and ace communities. That last one is what I'm going to talk about in this post.

To preface, I want to say that I support aro and ace people, regardless of their gender or the "other half" of their identities or whether or not they're intersex, who identify as queer. I support heterosexual aros and heteroromantic aces who don't identify as straight. I've faced discrimination specifically for being aro - I've been called disturbing or horrifying because of it, slut-shamed and sexually harassed repeatedly, and told that my romantic orientation is just a "sick inability to love".

None of that had to do with my bisexuality - the people who have been arophobic toward me were talking about all allosexual aros. It's true that arophobia and acephobia can definitely compound with homophobia and biphobia, that aros and aces aren't exempt from homophobia or biphobia, and that heterosexual aros and heteroromantic aces have privilege over gay people, BPQ+ people, and aro aces. It's not true that hetero aros and aces fully receive straight privilege, have to identify as straight, should never identify as queer, or don't experience oppression for being aro or ace.

But this post is simply not intended to benefit non-SGA people, regardless of whether or not they're straight. It's also not a go-ahead for alloromantic, allosexual SGA people to be acephobic or arophobic. This post, unlike everything else in the world, is intended to benefit SGA aros and aces. For once, A-spectrum SGA people are going to be prioritized.

So I'm going to list off a few things that have pissed me off about the non-SGA aro and ace communities or that they need to fix among themselves.

1. Calling yourselves gay.

Again, I do not have a problem with any aro or ace who wants to do so identifying as queer. 

So don't freak out.

But gay? Gay is not an umbrella term for "not-straight". Being aro or ace, or both, doesn't make anyone gay.

If you aren't attracted to your same gender either sexually or romantically, don't call yourself gay. If you're sensually or aesthetically attracted to your same gender but are still not SGA, don't call yourself gay. If you're a woman who is attracted to men and nonbinary people but not women, or a man who is attracted to women and nonbinary people but not men, don't call yourself gay. Don't say that you're "so gay" or refer to yourself as part of the gay community.

The last time I called out non-SGA aros and aces on this, a nonbinary aro ace individual bitterly responded with "And if we're nonbinary and literally can't pick a 'same gender' then fuck us, right?"

Wrong.

Nonbinary SGA people exist. At least two mods on this blog are nonbinary and SGA.

Yes, that includes nonbinary gay people. There are gay demiboys and transfeminine lesbians. I sometimes identify as gay, not because I see it as an umbrella term or because I see bisexuals as basically gay, but because as a genderfluid bisexual literally all the attraction I feel is SGA in some form. If gay is defined as exclusively SGA, then by definition I'm gay.

Don't erase nonbinary SGA people in some half-assed, poorly executed attempt to defend aro/ace homophobia.

No, this does not reinforce sex supremacy or amatonormativity. While sensual, platonic, alterous, and aesthetic attraction and queerplatonic relationships are hella valid and awesome and real, gay people are and have historically been dehumanized, raped, estranged from our friends and families, fired from our jobs, pathologized, and murdered specifically for our sexual and/or romantic attraction to our same gender. If you're not sexually or romantically attracted to your same gender, calling yourself gay feels like a slap in the face to us (while we're at it, if you're not either sexually and/or romantically attracted to more than one gender, don't call yourself bi, pan, or ply for the same reason). It's unfair that nonsexual and nonromantic attraction and love is devalued, but it's also unfair that SGA people experience systematic oppression based on our same-gender sexual and/or romantic attraction.

Dismissing our experiences and oppression by identifying as gay because you're aro or ace is homophobic.

   2. Stop erasing SGA aros and aces.

Too often, I've seen fellow aros and aces refer to identities like aro and gay, or ace and bi, as if they're mutually exclusionary.

SGA aro/ace people exist. There are demiromantic lesbians, asexual gay men, biromantic gray-aces, aroflux pansexuals, and many more. My grayromanticism doesn't invalidate my bisexuality.

  3. Acknowledge that you don't get a free pass.

Aros and aces get shit on both by straight people and by allosexual or alloromantic LGBT people. I get it. And allo LGBT people aren't exempt from aro/acephobia, even if the person they're being acephobic or arophobic to is heteroromantic ace or heterosexual aro.

But neither are non-SGA aces exempt from homophobia.

I've met fundamentalist Christian aro aces who were just as stereotypically homophobic as their straight counterparts. I've met heteroromantic aces who used the F-slur. I've met heterosexual aros who fetishized gay people.

Even though you're not a straight person, you can be just as homophobic as any of them.

  4. Some spaces are exclusively SGA. Respect that.

There are specific experiences that SGA people have that non-SGA people just can't relate to, and specific oppression that we experience that you don't. While EVERYONE who isn't heterosexual, heteroromantic, cisgender, and dyadic is oppressed by heteronormativity in some way, our experiences are very different.

Aro and ace erasure sucks. The fact that queerness is often strictly defined by same-gender romantic-sexual attraction is erasive, cissexist, intersexist, and awful.

BUT at the same time, SGA-specific safe spaces are necessary, just as aro and ace safe spaces are. Acknowledging the specific ways that SGA people are oppressed by homophobia and biphobia is important.

5. Don't refer to SGA or trans people as queer (even if you're also trans) without our consent.

Aros and aces are, and have historically been, called queer as a slur and have been marginalized by heteronormativity. Throughout the 20th century, asexuality was part of gay culture (i.e. stone butches and femmes).

BUT, again, the word queer is a slur and many SGA people - especially elders in our community - are uncomfortable with being called that. Some are even triggered with it and associate it with homophobic violence that they've experienced. The choice to reclaim it is one that not all of us make or are comfortable with. I call myself queer and I've been lucky enough to have queer-identifying friends who use it as a form of pride and self-expression, which made me more comfortable with it.

But at the same time, I've seen that and other homophobic slurs used as to insult and shame my fellow gay and bi people. And I can't even imagine what it would have been like to be a black butch lesbian in the 1950s or a transgender sex worker during the AIDS crisis, when homophobia would have been not only unregulated and encouraged but legally enforced - often at the expense of my people's lives. If I'd lived back then, I would likely only associate that word with violence instead of pride and love. While homophobia and transphobia still exist, while straight and cis privilege still exist, I feel that I'm privileged to grow up in the twenty-first century.

History has never been a straight line to progress. But because of heroes like Sylvia Rivera, Marsha P. Johnson, Brenda Howard, Storme de Laverie, and Bryan Jones fighting for our people's rights and basic humanity, being LGBTQIA in America has gotten somewhat easier. I'll never know what it was like to experience life before the reclamation movement of the 1980s, before STAR, before the AIDS crisis, before Stonewall, in a time when "queer" was always used as a tool of oppression.

I can hear the word queer without having flashbacks of police violence or doctors refusing to treat me for AIDS. Not all gay people have that luxury - those who were lucky enough to survive, that is. Not all bisexuals or pansexuals have that luxury either. And, even among modern LGBT youth, so many of us don't feel comfortable identifying as queer or being called that by someone else.

If you do so anyway, you're homophobic.

6. Stay in your lane.

Aros and aces aren't straight. But there are LGBTQIA issues that only affect SGA people. Even if you're trans, that's still not an area in which you're qualified to speak unless you actually are SGA.

Two excellent examples of what not to do are these articles.

The first one is the author's perspective on political lesbianism. Keep in mind that this author, whose name I believe is Marie, is an aromantic asexual. They are not a lesbian - not a WLW at all. Hell, they're not even a woman. They're a nonbinary butch. They don't need to be speaking on woman-specific issues, let alone WLW issues.

There are only about a million people who are more qualified to discuss this. Fuck, I'm more qualified than they are. I'm part woman and a WLW. As a gay aro, I can give a valuable perspective on the intersection of amatonormativity and homophobia that they can't. I, and I assume every single other WLW (A-spectrum and otherwise) in this godforsaken world, neither need nor want Marie's aromantic asexual perspective on political lesbianism.

Strike one.

They call gay people homosexuals. Gay people have said over and over that this is homophobic.

Strike two.

They imply, over and over and over again, that being it's possible to be a lesbian without being exclusively attracted to women and that being a lesbian is easier than being a straight woman.

Lesbians have said over and over that the definition of a lesbian is a woman who is attracted exclusively to women. You can be an asexual lesbian or an aromantic lesbian. But there is no such thing as a 'heterosexual lesbian' or a 'heteroromantic lesbian' because both heterosexual and heteroromantic women are attracted to men.

You also can not be an aromantic asexual lesbian (as in 100% aromantic asexual, not gray) because aromantic asexuals are not attracted to women. And, no, I actually don't give a fuck how strong your platonic, aesthetic, or sensual attraction is with your female QP partner. I said it earlier and I'll say it again: gay people are marginalized for being sexually and/or romantically SGA. Even if you experience misdirected homophobia for being in a primary platonic partnership that is perceived as gay, you're not a lesbian unless you're a woman who is attracted exclusively to women.

And a straight woman who wants platonic life partnerships with women, whether for feminist reasons or otherwise, is still straight. Oh look, here's an actual lesbian writing an article about that.

Strike three.

Let's analyze the second article and why it's incredibly homophobic.

It's by the same author. Again, they're not SGA. They're just a really homophobic aro ace who has decided for some reason that their opinion on SGA-specific issues matters. So I won't go into that again.

In the title and throughout the article, they refer to SGA people as "queer." I've explained why this is wrong. They're talking about gay and bi people who likely actually do associate the Q-slur with homophobic violence (and from their own parents, at that), who may never have even gotten the chance to view it as something reclaimed.

Strike one.

They consistently ignore the fact that gay people are "critical" of things like the Christian ex-gay movement and ~*~non-gay homosexuals~*~ because so often, we face constant pressure from our families, friends, and communities to repress our sexualities and either stay closeted or enter relationships that we don't want. We're forced to justify our right to fucking exist as gay people, which gets a lot harder when there are Christians telling us that we can just be straight and resist our oh-so-sinful homosexual lust.

"I don’t think denying your sexuality for the wrong reasons is ever positive, but I’m not buying all of that. Forcing someone to be in the closet or to deny their sexuality is a violation of their freedom. But forcing them to have sex that they don’t feel comfortable with or to live a lifestyle they don’t even want is a violation of their freedom too."

Has Marie ever fucking considered that the reason the gay Mormon men in this article, and other SGA Christians who choose to remain celibate or deny their sexuality, might feel uncomfortable with "homosexual activity" as the fundies call it, is that they were raised in families that brainwashed them from day one into believing their desires were disgusting and sinful and that heterosexuality was the only valid option?

Yes, voluntary celibacy is a valid option. But that doesn't change the fact that internalized homophobia doesn't exist in a vacuum.

Strike two.

"This goes back to romance supremacist bullshit that suggests friendship is innately inferior and unloving compared to romantic relationships: these men have very real friendships with their wives that likely include feelings of emotional attachment, warmth, appreciation, caring, love, etc, and none of that is invalidated by the lack of sexual and/or romantic attraction."

Marie is right. They do have friendships with their wives. They do love them, though not romantically. And no, that's not invalidated by sexual or romantic attraction.

That said, so many aros use the cry of "but friendship!!!!1!1!" to dismiss the concerns of marginalized communities and this sounds just like that. Yes. Friendship is amazing. But when you're constantly, involuntarily, single (and you don't want to be) because of transphobia, ableism, intersexism, or racism, or when your dating pool is small because of your orientation, and you want romance, friendship isn't always enough. Don't use the dismantling of amatonormativity to dismiss that. Ever. Because you're not dismantling anything or liberating anyone, including aros. You're just tone-policing and reinforcing oppression.

Strike three.

Marie/The Thinking Aro, yoooooou're out (of your lane)!

7. Allo privilege isn't real.

This probably sounds pretty hypocritical, considering that I'm bisexual and I once wrote a post about monosexual privilege.

The difference is that I have several statistics and sources backing me up. That said, lately, I've mostly changed my mind about it, considering how much of the bi community is constructed of PoC and trans people. Racism and transphobia likely contribute to the high rates of poverty, homelessness, health disparities, and sexual violence against bisexuals. Which does not mean that bisexuals are somehow privileged over gay men and lesbians. Straight-passing privilege doesn't exist.

Honestly, I'm done arguing about monosexism. Doing so takes up too much of my time and energy. And we (by which I mean gay and bisexual people) need to stop fighting with each other - if we're going to fight anybody, let's fight the straights.

Okay, I'm going to go on Tumblr right now and search allosexual privilege and alloromantic privilege and write down a few things I find from people who believe in it.

• "The LGBT community has more power and more voice than the asexual community. It is easy for LGBT people to mob ace people, to silence us, overpower us, hurt us, scare us. Aces cannot do that same thing to LGBT people. We can’t; it’s just impossible. The balance of power is completely in their favor in that regard." - @whes

First of all, bi aces, gay aces, and trans aces fucking exist. Second, LGBT allosexuals (especially straight trans people, who receive privilege on the same axis in the same area in which asexuals are oppressed) aren't exempt from acephobia. That does not mean that we're able to oppress asexuals in any way, or that it's "easy for us to mob, silence, overpower, hurt, and scare" asexuals. What a disgustingly ahistorical, homophobic, biphobic, and transphobic viewpoint.

• "Allosexual privilege is a real thing, but it does look different for different allos. Allosexual privilege is basically compulsory sexuality being praised and rewarded. (Compulsory sexuality is the assumption that all people are inherently sexual and interested in sex, and that is the right way to be.) So, anyone who feels sexual attraction in any allo pattern would inherently have privilege - their experiences are considered “normal” and “correct,” their desires and relationships are treated as good and valuable. For anyone who’s wondering, here’s a study that found that not only do heterosexuals discriminate against aces, but at a higher rate/more intensely than against homosexuals - showing that even if they’re homophobic, people do still grant privilege to anyone who feels sexual attraction. Now, that being said, allosexual privilege isn’t a blanket “every allo has all the privileges” situation. Intersectional discrimination and privilege plays a lot into how much this privilege actually means, if anything. While some queer allos will have allosexual privilege in some places, they will face queerphobia in others, which overrides the allosexual privilege. Homophobia overrides allosexual privilege. Biphobia and panphobia do as well. Transphobia interacts with this to make sexual orientation sometimes meaningless in terms of privilege vs discrimination. So. Yes, allosexual privilege is a thing. A thing that is mostly societal and interacts with other privileges and marginalizations in many different ways."

Straight people discriminate against aces...because straight people discriminate against everyone who isn't straight. How else would they maintain their privilege?

And...no? If they're homophobic, straight people do not fucking grant privilege to people they hate. You know, SGA people. Most of whom feel sexual attraction.

But sure. When people have sent me hate mail, stalked me, sexually harassed me, followed me home, and told me I was going to hell for being gay, they were granting me ~*~allosexual privilege~*~. When bisexual women are disproportionately raped and abused and LGBT allosexual kids are kicked out of their homes because of their identities, they're receiving allosexual privilege. When SGA allosexual people are literally murdered because of their orientations, they're privileged. Because it's such a fucking privilege to fear for your life.

The bottom line is, when your sexual attraction isn't hetero, you're not privileged for it. Period.

You could easily take everything that's just been typed or copied/pasted on this number and replace sexual with romantic and ace with aro, and you get the point.

8. Examine why you want to reclaim the Q-slur, if you do.

This applies to everyone under the LGBTQIA umbrella, honestly, because it IS a slur. But I feel like it especially applies to you if you're not SGA and you're cis (even more especially if you're cis heterosexual aromantic or cis heteroromantic asexual). What does identifying as queer mean to you? Do you understand, even partly, its historical context in anti-LGBT oppression and heteronormativity?

Reclaiming a slur is inherently political. So examine your politics.

9. No, the acronym SGA was not invented to exclude aros and aces.

There are SGA aros and aces, first of all. Stop erasing us.

Second, aro aces, heterosexual aros, and heteroromantic aces aren't the only non-straight people who aren't SGA. There are alloromantic allosexual nonbinary people who aren't SGA, such as androsexual agender people or gynesexual demiboys. There are bi women who are attracted to men and nonbinary people but not women, and bi men who are attracted to women and nonbinary people but not men. They're not straight and not SGA. So stop acting like coining a term to describe shared experiences among SGA people without using slurs or forcing the "gay" label on BPQ+ people who don't want to call themselves that is somehow an attempt by Teh Evil Gayz to oppress you.

Third, not everything is about you. Sometimes SGA people are going to do shit for other SGA people. And not you. Deal with it.

Okay, I feel like this is a pretty decent list. I've said everything I need to say. And with that, I'm going to end this post.

Songs by Women-Loving Women, for Women-Loving Women

First of all, let's just celebrate the recent coming out of two amazing teenage celebrities: Amandla Stenberg (bisexual; I follow her on Tumblr by the way) and Rowan Blanchard (queer). Amazing start to the year.

Now, a playlist.

She - Dodie Clark
The Gay Song - Jenna Anne
Uprising of Love - Melissa Etheridge
Girls Like Girls - Haley Kiyoko
Proud - Tegan and Sara
She Keeps Me Warm - Mary Lambert

Keep in mind that all of the above singers are either white or white-passing. None are transfeminine. And six of them are thin, while five are gender-conforming and all but one are cis. So yeah, we definitely need more trans, GNC, fat, and QPoC visibility. If you have any links to songs sung and/or written by trans WLW, androgynous- or masculine- read/identified WLW, fat WLW, or WLW of color (particularly non-white passing and dark-skinned WoC), please comment below.

And also, some spoken word poetry.
We Get It, You're Gay - Ashley Mardell (yeah, another femme, thin, cis white woman)
Dear Straight People - Denice Frohman (a Latinx butch lesbian - finally!)
Blue and Green - Alyssa Cassese (another one...I know, I know)
Bisexual Slam Poem - Emma Robins (oh my god they're EVERYWHERE)
Unbuttoning My Boy Shirt - Joy Young (a white, thin, genderfluid butch lesbian)
Trigger - Teresa Siagatonu (a thin, cis bisexual woman of color)


The word "cr*zy" is used in an ableist way in one video, jsyk, and please remember to beware of homophobia, biphobia, and misogyny in the comments.

And also, this comic. It's about four teenagers living in the desert after a military takeover, and it's my new favorite thing. There's no apparent WLW representation (neither Maria nor Alice, the two female main characters, has made her sexuality apparent).

But there is:

• A canonically gay, mentally ill, black boy who has a prosthetic leg (Daniel)
• A canonically mixed-race trans girl of color who is probably also mentally ill (Maria; the creator has confirmed that she is Latina and Native American)
• A canonically trans boy who is either bi or gay and probably a person of color and probably mentally ill (Milo; we know he's into guys because he briefly mentions kissing them. He seems to have a connection to an indigenous tribe, the Amori, that once lived near the comic's setting, so he's probably a member).
• A canonically mixed-race, Japanese, mentally ill fat girl (Alice; there's heavy fandom speculation that she's ace but no confirmation from the creator. I, personally, headcanon her as aromantic asexual.)

Have fun with all of this.

Love Songs That Aren't About Romance

I probably should have saved this playlist for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week next month, but you know what? I missed last year's because I realized I was aro several weeks after ASAW. So screw it, I'm posting now.

Hailee Steinfeld - Love Myself

Friendship (from the Broadway production Anything Goes)

Demi Lovato - Gift of a Friend

Selena Gomez & The Scene

The Limitz - Thank You Best Friends

Bill Withers - Lean On Me

Ben E. King - Stand By Me

P!nk - F**kin' Perfect

Tim McGraw and Tracy Lawrence - Find Out Who Your Friends Are