TW: internalized misogyny, heterosexism, gender roles, ableism, rape, slut shaming, Christianity, racism, misogynistic slurs
Something I've noticed about the straight, cis, monogamous Christian women in my life is that they really love to give advice to teen girls - especially about our sexual and romantic lives.
Something I've noticed about the straight, cis, monogamous Christian women in my life is that they really love to give advice to teen girls - especially about our sexual and romantic lives.
And this would be okay - great, even - except that said advice tends to:
- Assume that all girls are attracted to boys and only boys, and want monogamous, romantic-sexual relationships with boys
For example, one teacher I have this year likes to give dating advice to the girls in the class - "Girls, never date a guy who..."
It's very heterosexist and reliant on gender roles, and she never gives advice about dating boys to the boys. What exactly makes her assume that we're all straight?
And what dating advice that a straight woman has to offer could help girls like me? After all, I may be on the aromantic spectrum, and I may be romance-repulsed - but that doesn't mean I don't want trusting, loving, emotionally intimate, nonromantic relationships (QP relationships) or that I never have crushes (I've had one for sure, maybe two or three but it's really hard to tell). It's just...if I actually got into a romantic relationship with anyone, especially a monogamous one, I would feel trapped, stifled, and uncomfortable - that's how I feel when I think about being in one. I don't even like being flirted with, and marriage - no matter how good a friend my hypothetical spouse is - just makes me shudder.
I'm also fairly sure I'm polyamorous, though unfortunately there aren't exactly a lot of polyamorous aros I can test this theory on.
Like...sex isn't something that should necessarily be reserved for romantic relationships, and it's not somehow better or more special just because you're in a monogamous marriage to your sexual partner. And don't you dare call any girl or woman a slut in front of me.
But despite all the sex-positivity and body-positivity I've discovered in the past year or so, I still haven't totally shaken off my amatonormative, acephobic socialization that says that sex and romance are tied together - that if I have sex with a primary QP partner, I'm somehow engaging in a romantic relationship with them. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that.
But, as I stated in this coming-out post, I do have a sex drive. And I'd like to have sensual, emotional, and maybe sexual intimacy with people other than my primary partner. The only ethical way for me to get everything I need and want in a relationship - while also avoiding things I don't want, like romance - is nonromantic polyamory. I thought about relationship anarchy for awhile, but then realized I liked the definition of poly better.
Like...sex isn't something that should necessarily be reserved for romantic relationships, and it's not somehow better or more special just because you're in a monogamous marriage to your sexual partner. And don't you dare call any girl or woman a slut in front of me.
But despite all the sex-positivity and body-positivity I've discovered in the past year or so, I still haven't totally shaken off my amatonormative, acephobic socialization that says that sex and romance are tied together - that if I have sex with a primary QP partner, I'm somehow engaging in a romantic relationship with them. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that.
But, as I stated in this coming-out post, I do have a sex drive. And I'd like to have sensual, emotional, and maybe sexual intimacy with people other than my primary partner. The only ethical way for me to get everything I need and want in a relationship - while also avoiding things I don't want, like romance - is nonromantic polyamory. I thought about relationship anarchy for awhile, but then realized I liked the definition of poly better.
So what advice could a monogamous straight cis woman offer a teenage girl whose desires for intimate relationships are so immensely different than hers? What could she offer a lesbian, a bi girl, a pan girl, a polysexual girl, an aro girl, or an ace girl? What could she offer a nonbinary, intersex, or trans girl of any orientation?
Yes, my teacher has a lot more life experience than any teenager - but queer teenagers have life experiences that she never has and never will. And straight, cis, dyadic people's ways of doing romantic and sexual relationships just don't apply.
Queer girls can't even usually experiment with dating in high school, the same way straight cis girls can. Often, LGBQA girls are just discovering their sexualities when they're in high school - and then they're in the closet for awhile, and it's hard for teen LGBQ girls to find a suitable romantic partner when our dating pool is already so small.
Young lesbians often can't bring their girlfriends home or tell their families they're dating them, the way straight (cis) girls can with their boyfriends. Trans girls have to navigate both heteronormativity and transmisogyny in their relationships, which makes finding a romantic partner (if they want one) a whole lot harder for them - and, if and when they do date, it's very likely their partners will abuse or rape them. Intersex girls are called ugly, disgusting, and freakish because of their bodies. Asexual and acespec girls face prude-shaming, straight boys trying to "fix" us, straight girls invalidating us, and other queer people telling us we're not queer enough. Aromantic and arospec girls are called cold, heartless bitches if we don't date (especially if we do have sex) and excluded from the aro community if we do. BPQ+ girls deal with straight boys hypersexualizing our identities, lesbians and other BPQ+ girls sex-shaming us, high rates of health issues and violence victimization, and BPQ+ boys going "But what about the men?!" when we talk about sapphobia.
Like. I'm pretty sure my straight, cis teacher didn't have to worry about any of this when she was in high school. She could date, safely and without fear of prejudice due to her sexuality, and when she dated, the gendered dynamics of any romantic relationship she had had already been laid out for her by a heterosexist culture. She didn't have to rewrite the rules for herself, the way queer people do in our own intimate relationships.
It's easy to get used to that kind of privilege, and forget how vastly different the lives of people who don't share your privileges are from your own. In her case - well, since you can't even tell if someone is queer just by looking at them, it's easy to forget that people who don't share your privileges even exist if you're not regularly confronted with that reality.
Queer girls can't even usually experiment with dating in high school, the same way straight cis girls can. Often, LGBQA girls are just discovering their sexualities when they're in high school - and then they're in the closet for awhile, and it's hard for teen LGBQ girls to find a suitable romantic partner when our dating pool is already so small.
Young lesbians often can't bring their girlfriends home or tell their families they're dating them, the way straight (cis) girls can with their boyfriends. Trans girls have to navigate both heteronormativity and transmisogyny in their relationships, which makes finding a romantic partner (if they want one) a whole lot harder for them - and, if and when they do date, it's very likely their partners will abuse or rape them. Intersex girls are called ugly, disgusting, and freakish because of their bodies. Asexual and acespec girls face prude-shaming, straight boys trying to "fix" us, straight girls invalidating us, and other queer people telling us we're not queer enough. Aromantic and arospec girls are called cold, heartless bitches if we don't date (especially if we do have sex) and excluded from the aro community if we do. BPQ+ girls deal with straight boys hypersexualizing our identities, lesbians and other BPQ+ girls sex-shaming us, high rates of health issues and violence victimization, and BPQ+ boys going "But what about the men?!" when we talk about sapphobia.
Like. I'm pretty sure my straight, cis teacher didn't have to worry about any of this when she was in high school. She could date, safely and without fear of prejudice due to her sexuality, and when she dated, the gendered dynamics of any romantic relationship she had had already been laid out for her by a heterosexist culture. She didn't have to rewrite the rules for herself, the way queer people do in our own intimate relationships.
It's easy to get used to that kind of privilege, and forget how vastly different the lives of people who don't share your privileges are from your own. In her case - well, since you can't even tell if someone is queer just by looking at them, it's easy to forget that people who don't share your privileges even exist if you're not regularly confronted with that reality.
- Not realize that race is a factor.
Now, before I start this bullet point, I want to say that one of all the Christian women who have attempted to give me advice about dating, one wasn't white.
That's why I'm not going to focus on her right at the moment.
I'm white myself, and if you aren't, PLEASE correct me on this because I'm coming at the issue from a place of privilege and merely observing what I've seen.
The dating advice given to white girls by a white woman isn't going to work for girls of color because race can hugely affect any relationship, especially one between a person of color and a white person.
While teen girls face an immense amount of body policing, that body policing intensifies way more for black and brown girls because, due to colonialism and slavery, their bodies are, irrationally, seen as inherently more sexual than a white girl's. I've seen teachers crack down more harshly on girls of color for violating dress code than they would for a white girl; I've seen straight white boys talk about 'Spicy Latinas', 'Asian fetish', and 'jungle fever'; I've seen girls of color be judged more harshly for being sexual than the same person judged white girls; I've seen ace girls of color be invalidated way more often than ace white girls are; I know that women of color are more likely to be raped than white women.
How do you think that's going to translate, when a young woman of color is dating a white person? How do you think she's going to navigate sexualized racism in ways that white women wouldn't even have to consider? What about when she's dating another person of color, who might very well have many internalized biases about girls of their race or black and brown girls of other races?
Dating is never going to be the same for teens of color as it is for their white counterparts, and ignoring racism isn't going to address the issue.
- Not realize that disability is also a factor.
Unlike with race, this issue isn't one that I'm coming at from a place of privilege.
But it is one that most - not all, but most - of the women I've gotten advice from have been abled. And because of that, they can't really comprehend the unique challenges that disabled girls and women face, both in friendship and in romantic relationships.
The social ableism that I've experienced includes:
- Judgment for not making eye contact, or feeling uncomfortable doing so
- Judgment for stimming (even though allistic people are constantly doing things that put my sensory issues through hell. Double standard, much?)
- Casual ableist language being used in my presence almost constantly
- Being expected to verbally speak as often and as easily as a neurotypical person would
- Invasion of my space after I say that I need to be left alone
- Judgment for disliking social events, particularly crowded ones
- Being told, by neurotypicals, that I just need to try harder and concentrate - when I'm already trying to and exhausting myself in the process
- Assumptions about my intelligence
- Neurotypical people mocking the neurodiverse traits I display - until they can benefit from my neurotype
- Being patronized and condescended to
- Being expected to be an inspiration
- Tone policing
- My aromanticism and asexuality being invalidated because of my neurodivergence (because all autistic girls are aro ace, apparently - sex and romance are obviously the only significant feelings and desires a teenage girl could have, and obviously autistic girls don't have any significant feelings or desires or agency)
- My gender identity being invalidated because of my neurodivergence (because obviously, all autistic girls have 'boy brains' and don't really know ourselves or our genders. Because autistic girls aren't really girls, so my being gender variant was just a default for me as an autistic girl.)
The ableism I experience hugely influences my interactions with people. If I were interested in dating, my romantic life wouldn't be immune. And allistic disabled people don't have it any better than I do, especially deaf women. In addition, disabled people (especially disabled trans people, disabled women, and disabled people of color) are infinitely more danger in relationships than our abled counterparts.
The advice that abled women think is objective truth and applicable to the lives of disabled teens...it just isn't.
- Sexualize girls.
There is no reason, no excuse, for an adult to sexualize minors.
- Slut shame girls.
I remember being fifteen years old and making the decision to remain celibate until marriage - at the suggestion of a straight, cis, Christian woman, again. It was a religious thing, honestly - and an acceptable refuge from sex and dating. It was a way for me to see myself as normal, because not having sex or romance was okay as long as I had a heteronormativity-approved reason for it.
But it instilled misogyny in me. Respecting myself, respecting God, respecting the future husband I'd always been told I would inevitably have - the husband I didn't even want. Being liberated, being pure, being strong.
And I thought women who didn't follow that philosophy were weak; that girls who wore low-cut shirts and short skirts were weak. That these girls and women had some kind of obligation to be 'modest'; that they were expressing their own sexuality for the sake of straight men, not themselves. I didn't think the same thing about men, and that was sexist of me.
I also had some flawed reasoning and ignorance backing up my decision. Avoiding STIs and unwanted pregnancy (problems that could be solved, or at least reduced, by comprehensive sex education and easier access to contraceptives) was another big motivator behind my celibacy, for example. So were avoiding heartbreak (which will never happen) and the ingrained belief that sex was 'sacred' and only for my 'soulmate'...who of course would be a straight, cis, Christian man, because fuck what I actually think about that idea.
And now I'm on the other side of that. Now, as an adult, I'm a polyamorous (or polycurious, at least), socialist, queer, secularist, androgynous, sex-positive, pagan feminist with big tits who actually enjoys wearing low-cut tank tops and skinny jeans when I'm not feeling dysphoric about my chest. I haven't shaved my legs since...probably mid-September? I swear a lot. I'm angry about heteronormativity, white Christian supremacy, and capitalism. Every Republican I know is at least mildly uncomfortable with me, and I feel a strange sort of pride in that - you know you're doing something right when you make Republicans squirm.
Fifteen-year-old me would be terrified of eighteen-year-old me, and eighteen-year-old me is thoroughly disgusted with fifteen-year-old me.
A teacher I had in the eighth grade used to tell the girls in our class all about how she and her husband had waited for marriage, and encourage girls to be "strong" and "respect ourselves" by not giving into sexual pressure from society.
And that teacher I mentioned earlier? She singled me out specifically because she perceived me as sexual in a way that she didn't give her Christian stamp of approval, and because I showed wariness toward Christianity. She has explicitly told me this.
First of all, queer women are never obligated to express our sexualities according to standards of what makes straight Christians comfortable. Second, when I was in another class of hers as a sophomore, I'd been a devout, pro-birth Catholic determined to stay firmly in the closet for as long as possible. I wore cross necklaces and Jesus shirts several times a week, kept my expression as neutral as possible at the mention of any kind of LGBT+ issues, and was careful to let not even the barest hint of masculinity show through.
A year and a half later, I'm my own polar opposite. The fact that she doesn't even consider that I might be wary of Christianity because I'm triggered by it is amazing. And it says a lot about cishet privilege. If I had been straight and cis, after all, I would probably still be Catholic and conservative today. I would have felt more comfortable identifying as Christian because other Christians wouldn't be telling me that my very existence was sinful and that my gender and sexuality came from the devil and were as bad as having homicidal tendencies. I'd be an entirely different person.
But that's an entirely different rant. Point is, I shouldn't have to explain my sex life to anyone.
When I say I want "casual sex", what I mean is that I want nonromantic sex. But that's not something allosexual alloromantics are all that understanding or tolerant of - and it's something I'm scrutinized for in the ace community. Sex is an intimate act, yes, but it's not an inherently romantic one.
Access to my body is a privilege I grant, and a privilege I can withdraw at any point. My body is a treasure, something to be cherished and adored. Nonromantic sex wouldn't tarnish that in the least. My execution of sexual agency is an act of self-love and self-respect, and all forms of sexual agency - including celibacy - should be treated as such. That is sex-positive feminism.
Sexual agency, not purity or shame, is what should be fostered in teenage girls. Sexual agency is what all girls and women should be supporting and validating in each other.
You want to give girls advice about sex? Why not give them the advice that they never owe anyone sex and that they are the only ones who have the authority to judge their own sexual decisions? Why not tell them that their sexual activity, whether perceived or factual, doesn't affect their worth? Why not encourage them to love themselves unapologetically? Why not do something to actually empower them, instead of getting them to tear themselves and other girls down?
But it instilled misogyny in me. Respecting myself, respecting God, respecting the future husband I'd always been told I would inevitably have - the husband I didn't even want. Being liberated, being pure, being strong.
And I thought women who didn't follow that philosophy were weak; that girls who wore low-cut shirts and short skirts were weak. That these girls and women had some kind of obligation to be 'modest'; that they were expressing their own sexuality for the sake of straight men, not themselves. I didn't think the same thing about men, and that was sexist of me.
I also had some flawed reasoning and ignorance backing up my decision. Avoiding STIs and unwanted pregnancy (problems that could be solved, or at least reduced, by comprehensive sex education and easier access to contraceptives) was another big motivator behind my celibacy, for example. So were avoiding heartbreak (which will never happen) and the ingrained belief that sex was 'sacred' and only for my 'soulmate'...who of course would be a straight, cis, Christian man, because fuck what I actually think about that idea.
And now I'm on the other side of that. Now, as an adult, I'm a polyamorous (or polycurious, at least), socialist, queer, secularist, androgynous, sex-positive, pagan feminist with big tits who actually enjoys wearing low-cut tank tops and skinny jeans when I'm not feeling dysphoric about my chest. I haven't shaved my legs since...probably mid-September? I swear a lot. I'm angry about heteronormativity, white Christian supremacy, and capitalism. Every Republican I know is at least mildly uncomfortable with me, and I feel a strange sort of pride in that - you know you're doing something right when you make Republicans squirm.
Fifteen-year-old me would be terrified of eighteen-year-old me, and eighteen-year-old me is thoroughly disgusted with fifteen-year-old me.
A teacher I had in the eighth grade used to tell the girls in our class all about how she and her husband had waited for marriage, and encourage girls to be "strong" and "respect ourselves" by not giving into sexual pressure from society.
And that teacher I mentioned earlier? She singled me out specifically because she perceived me as sexual in a way that she didn't give her Christian stamp of approval, and because I showed wariness toward Christianity. She has explicitly told me this.
First of all, queer women are never obligated to express our sexualities according to standards of what makes straight Christians comfortable. Second, when I was in another class of hers as a sophomore, I'd been a devout, pro-birth Catholic determined to stay firmly in the closet for as long as possible. I wore cross necklaces and Jesus shirts several times a week, kept my expression as neutral as possible at the mention of any kind of LGBT+ issues, and was careful to let not even the barest hint of masculinity show through.
A year and a half later, I'm my own polar opposite. The fact that she doesn't even consider that I might be wary of Christianity because I'm triggered by it is amazing. And it says a lot about cishet privilege. If I had been straight and cis, after all, I would probably still be Catholic and conservative today. I would have felt more comfortable identifying as Christian because other Christians wouldn't be telling me that my very existence was sinful and that my gender and sexuality came from the devil and were as bad as having homicidal tendencies. I'd be an entirely different person.
But that's an entirely different rant. Point is, I shouldn't have to explain my sex life to anyone.
When I say I want "casual sex", what I mean is that I want nonromantic sex. But that's not something allosexual alloromantics are all that understanding or tolerant of - and it's something I'm scrutinized for in the ace community. Sex is an intimate act, yes, but it's not an inherently romantic one.
Access to my body is a privilege I grant, and a privilege I can withdraw at any point. My body is a treasure, something to be cherished and adored. Nonromantic sex wouldn't tarnish that in the least. My execution of sexual agency is an act of self-love and self-respect, and all forms of sexual agency - including celibacy - should be treated as such. That is sex-positive feminism.
Sexual agency, not purity or shame, is what should be fostered in teenage girls. Sexual agency is what all girls and women should be supporting and validating in each other.
You want to give girls advice about sex? Why not give them the advice that they never owe anyone sex and that they are the only ones who have the authority to judge their own sexual decisions? Why not tell them that their sexual activity, whether perceived or factual, doesn't affect their worth? Why not encourage them to love themselves unapologetically? Why not do something to actually empower them, instead of getting them to tear themselves and other girls down?
