Tomcat: An Old Identity That Should Be Brought Back

You know I support sapphic multisexuals who identify as femme. There is, after all, no reason it should be an identity exclusive to lesbians when it didn't even originate in lesbian culture (which bi women have, from the start, been a part of anyway) - it originated in Polari.

And I support all sapphic people in our right to reclaim the D slur, because it's used against all of us and it's incredibly arrogant and biphobic of lesbians to presume that they know bi women's experiences - including what slurs are and are not used against them - better than bi women themselves do. (And that "it's not a privilege to be called a slur!!!1!" bullshit strawman? Kindly shut up; you're embarrassing yourself. Non-lesbian sapphic women who reclaim the D slur don't hate you or want to co-opt lesbian struggles - they simply refuse to not reclaim a slur that's so frequently used against them simply because it makes biphobic lesbians uncomfortable to see them doing so.)

But I'm rethinking 'butch'.

First of all, I suspect that a lot of GNC sapphic multisexuals don't want to identify as butch because of internalized biases against butches and, therefore, a desire to disassociate from them.

Second, butch originated in working-class lesbian culture...which, again, included bi women because bisexual, at the time, was a slur because it was first used for MGA people as a pathological term and therefore identities 'lesbian', 'sapphic', 'invert', and 'homophile' were, until bisexuality was reclaimed in the sexual liberation movement, used for all sapphic women.

But at the same time...butch does hold heavy cultural significance for masculine lesbians, and it's not like it's the only word ever used to refer to masculine and androgynous LBPQ women. Stud and AG are perfectly acceptable substitutions for non-lesbians, as is another "new" (to me) word that was historically used for sapphic women: tomcat.

And yes, I'm pretty sure that's a sex joke.

It sounds kind of...awkward...to me, but it's also kind of weirdly awesome. I consider my gender expression androgynous, but ideally I'd be more masculine. And my sexual fluidity apparently makes me part of the MGA community.

In my opinion, if 'butch' is available only to lesbians, 'tomcat' should be available only to multisexuals. It's only fair. This means, of course, that if you aren't an MGA woman and/or woman aligned nonbinary person, and you identify as a tomcat, I will drag your bimisogynistic ass to hell right where it belongs.

That said, I'm undecided on whether or not tomcat identity should be available to non-sapphic multisexual women. I assume the term mostly referred historically to sapphic multisexuals, because of the 'cat' thing (I mean, come on...tomcat...what's another name for a cat...) and because a lot of the definitions I found said when I was researching this said tomcat is LGBT slang for "an aggressive woman" (which is generally code for 'she's sapphic'), but if the cat hypothesis is right, linking that identity to vaginas is cissexist and intersexist. Being sapphic has nothing to do with vaginas because not all women have vaginas and not everyone with a vagina is a woman.

Besides that, non-sapphic multisexual women are still multisexual and have as much place in bisexual/pansexual/sexually fluid/MGA culture as the rest of us. So, yes, as far as I'm concerned, they can identify as tomcats.

We can't forget sapphic women who identify as neither, who find neither bisexuality nor lesbianism relevant to their experiences or just aren't sure what they are. There are words for them, too.

There are, really, a lot of words used to refer to gender nonconforming sapphic women and that could be used for any of us. Stud. AG. Dapper. Dandy. Tomboy. GNC/gender nonconforming. Masculine or androgynous. Crossdresser. For black people specifically (because it's still a part of AAVE and nonblack people should respect that), boi.

Really, all of the terms I just listed, except for stud, AG, and boi, can be used by all women and woman-aligned people, even if they're straight. And stud and AG can both be used by masculine nonbinary people who aren't sapphic.

As for femme? Again, it's a Polari word. Not even from lesbian culture, per se, though that's where it's often used. In my opinion, femmes can be lesbians, gay men, bisexuals (of all genders, even if they're not attracted to their same gender), and any nonbinary and/or non-straight trans person who finds it applicable.

What that means is, bisexual femmes are here to stay, but now all sapphic women have a potential compromise that could help build solidarity in our communities and end a bitter battle that's gone way too far for way too long.

The A-Spectrum and Homophobia: Part Two

This is a companion post to The A-Spectrum and Homophobia.

The last few times I've been on Tumblr, the vast majority of my time was spent calling out homophobic aces and aros. I didn't want to, but I sure as hell am not going to put up with them making LGBQ people feel unsafe in one of the only online safe spaces we have (on most of the others, you can get kicked off if you dare to assert that being black isn't a reason for cops to shoot first and ask questions later, that women don't exist to please men, that people with uteri deserve bodily autonomy, that rape is wrong, or that poverty shouldn't be a death sentence. Silly white cis teenage boys. If they can't even handle girls and women asserting our right to freedom of speech, how are they ever going to survive in the real world?).

But I digress. I've seen so much aro/ace spectrum discourse on solidarity and inclusion for all aces and aros, but most of that appears to center around making hetero, cisgender, abled, white, dyadic people comfortable while further alienating and marginalizing the rest of us. 

As a nonbinary gay aro, do I not deserve prioritization? Are my needs less important to the aro community than those of a cisgender, heterosexual aro? Why am I expected to have solidarity with my oppressors even as they rail against my very existence?

Non-LGBQ aros and aces*, here's what you need to do if you really care about ALL aros and aces.

1. Don't, unless the person you're referring to has specifically given you permission to do so when referring to them, use the word 'homosexual.' Ever.

This word was coined by Karl-Maria Kertbeny, whose work was used by the Nazis to condone and facilitate the genocide of LGBT people during the Holocaust, and was also later used as a diagnosis of mental illness, so there's definitely ableism tied into it as well.

Personally, the word makes me incredibly uncomfortable because it brings back painful memories of fundamentalist Christians and how they taught me to hate myself. It took me months to fully accept that I didn't deserve what they'd done to me. I'm still working to unlearn my self-hate.

Say 'gay'. If you're talking specifically about non-ace gay people, say 'non-ace gay people'.

     2. Some of us are uncomfortable with the words 'allosexual' and 'alloromantic.' Accept it.

I've used the words 'allosexual' and 'alloromantic' occasionally, but I also haven't in a long time. I can understand why many LGBQ people find them offensive, especially with the 'allosexual privilege' side of the ace community screaming about Teh Evil Allogays and how we just have, like, fucking buckets of privilege. Why, we're practically cishets!

There is literally no reason you can't just say 'non-ace' or 'non-aro.' It's not that hard, I promise.

     3. Aphobia isn't the new homophobia. Stop co-opting our struggles.

I'm saying this because of a post I found that said 'asexuals/aromantics in the present are slowly being treated like homosexuals in the past.' 

I shit you not. Someone actually turned on their computer, logged onto Tumblr dot com, wrote that, and sent it out into cyberspace.

Wow.

The thing is, LGBQ people are still experiencing medicalization, conversion therapy, corrective rape, and social ostracization. We're still at increased risk for mental illness, homelessness, and physical violence. The new homophobia isn't aphobia. 

The new homophobia is homophobia, and by even implying otherwise, the ace community (because this was written by an asexual and I've seen other aces state that asexuality is some ~*~edgy~*~ form of queerness which is systematically oppressed by even LGBQ trauma survivors) not only ostracizes those evil allomonosexual gays its more sex-negative members love to hate, but gay and BPQ aces as well.

Aphobia is violent, systematic, and anti-radical to its core...but the way to combat it is not homophobia.

    4. Get the fuck over whatever your problem is with lesbians.

Again, this was inspired by a Tumblr post: 

"Lesbians cry lesbophobia when their sexuality is being questioned and they’re being pressured into fucking men, but bully asexuals who complain about having their sexuality questioned and pressured into fucking anyone, specifically men."

This person is not only tone policing lesbians on compulsory heterosexuality, but silencing them for speaking about having been correctively raped. How much of a disgusting, rape apologist human being do you have to be to see why that's wrong? How much do you have to hate ace lesbians and lesbian rape survivors, and lesbians in general? How much of a misogynistic piece of shit do you have to be? HOW MUCH?!

Look, I used to be a pretty bad lesbophobe myself, and although I never went this far, I still remember the stereotypes I held. A lot of it came from the fact that the majority of the biphobia and a good chunk of the transphobia directed at me came from lesbians and I was hostile toward them because I perceived all lesbians as a potential threat - as if there weren't nonbinary and trans lesbians who weren't affected by cis lesbians' transphobia as much as I was (and, in the case of trans lesbians, even more than I was). I viewed lesbians as hostile, selfish, toxic, and violent - essentially the same way straight women do. I was almost as bad as our mutual oppressors.

The person who made this post and everyone else who thinks like them - you are almost as bad as our mutual oppressors.

Stay away from me until you can learn to act like a not-shit human being.

     5. Don't call non-ace and non-aro people soulless, even as a joke - it's not any less disgusting just because you laugh while doing it.

I've actually seen an asexual do this, and here's why it's offensive.

    6. If you're not attracted to your same gender, you don't get to decide what is and is not homophobic.

End of story.

    7. Yes, you can be gay, bi, pan, etc., and asexual. At the same time.

Saying that gay aces - because that seems to be who is targeted most often, especially lesbians, but any BPQ aces are free to correct me if I'm wrong -  are actually not gay but homoromantic asexuals hypersexualizes gay people and reduces our identity to sex. 

As much as the constant "It's not about sex!" (and the consequent implications that it's somehow a bad thing if a gay person's identity is about sex and that sex between two people who are perceived to be the same gender is less acceptable than sex between a cis man and cis woman) roar from the assimilationist portion of the LGB community pisses me off and marginalizes me as a gay aro, I'm also angry that my gay identity isn't seen as up for debate specifically because I want to have sex with women. That's oppressive to me because it essentially reduces my identity to a sensationalist secret or a genre of porn for straight men's pleasure, and to gay aces because it invalidates their identity based on their lack of desire for sex.

    8. Say that aro/ace people are 'the most hated members of the LGBT community'.

First of all, I've already made my stance on aro/ace people and belonging in the LGBT+ community perfectly clear (though I do think we need to keep aromanticism and asexuality in the community until our own movement gains some ground). That, however, is beside the point and not all aros and aces (including gay, BPQ, nonbinary, and trans aros and aces) agree with me on it anyway.

Second, did you forget that intersex, nonbinary, and trans people exist? Did you forget that this shit is generally not said by gay aro/ace people, who by the way fucking exist and deserve to be acknowledged, and that many of us hate it with a fiery passion? Did you notice that the people who say it are, half the time, not bi and yet for some odd reason feel the need to drag bi people into it anyway (even though many bi people feel uncomfortable with it)?

     9. Do you, as a non-LGBQ aro or ace, feel attacked by this post?

Picture me scrambling around frantically, obviously searching for something.

I'm looking for a fuck, but it seems I don't have a single one to give.

If you feel attacked by this post, that's on you. You, non-LGBQ aces and aros, need to do better and truly make our communities safer for all aces and aros.

*No one should be homophobic, regardless of their identity, but it's a problem that I've noticed is prevalent in the aro and ace communities.

Yet More Love Songs That Aren't About Romance

If You're Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins (friendship)

Home by Phillip Phillips (community)

Where You Belong by Kari Kimmel (family)

Skyscraper by Demi Lovato (self love)

Gift Of A Friend by Demi Lovato (friendship)

Aro/Ace Separatism Survey

I made a survey to figure out how the aro and ace communities feel about the separatist movement to separate aromanticism and asexuality from the LGBT community and form a community of our own. This community is ONLY for aro and ace people (spectrum included and regardless of sexual and/or romantic activity), so don't take it if you're neither aro nor ace. Trigger warning that the Q slur is used multiple times in questions, and the word "h*m*sexual" is also used at one point.