Yes, it's Christmas Eve, and I'm celebrating because my family is Christian and I have a weakness for chocolate and this is generally the closest thing to a real Yule celebration that I have, but right now I have about an hour before I have to be anywhere.
Speaking of, this is what the holidays look like for me, if you're wondering, here's a basic itinerary:
Speaking of, this is what the holidays look like for me, if you're wondering, here's a basic itinerary:
- The weekend before Christmas: party with the stepfamily, a gift pass-around, hand-knitted presents for all the aunts and uncles, running around like wild creatures with my cousins, and meeting my cousin Erin's new dog Bandit, who is adorable and tiny and loves me.
- During Yuletide: saving winter-themed pictures that I found online, getting sick, praying to all the winter entities I can think of, wistfully checking out all the Solstice activities that other pagans are doing, starting on a new hat, working like hell to make Christmas presents because I procrastinated on shopping
- Christmas Eve: brunch with my dad's sisters and their families and my grandpa and his wife, drinking like five cups of orange juice in an effort to flush out this cold, dinner with my mom's family, more knitting
- Christmas Day: eating breakfast and opening presents at home, then going to my aunt's house for another party with my dad's family because my grandparents are divorced so Christmas and Eating Day (known to some as Thanksgiving, but I call it Eating Day because I'm not going to be thankful for shit on a holiday created to celebrate white supremacy but I'm happy to spend a day eating everything in sight) are split between them
And now onto why I actually made this post.
I'm still not sure whether I'm aro.
Am I scared to fall in love again after what happened in high school - scared that I'm never going to find someone who loves me back?
Scared to get close to someone in case I fall head-over-heels for her in the next four years, when we're that much more likely to face violence for being sapphic and our right to get married might be taken away soon and who knows when we'll get that back?
Scared because god I'll eventually have to introduce her to my family, and I don't want to deal with their reactions? Not to mention the reactions of her family, who could very well be worse than mine?
Scared because falling in love is scary by itself and it gets scarier when you're falling in love with someone whose gender is, well, not the same as yours because your gender is fluid and weird, but similar?
And I was scared, that one time when I fell in love.
I've been talking to aro wlw about this, like I said. Two of them, mainly, Alex and Amber, both neurodivergent lesbians in their early twenties. They've both told me that my feelings about romance sound a lot like theirs and that I definitely sound arospec, but I'm still nervous that I might fall in love again and about whether that would invalidate me. Also, I'm not even sure whether I would want that or what a relationship would mean for me.
I've been told that aros can date, but "a best friend who I share my life with" describes romantic relationships as well as platonic, but there are guys who I want that with too, guys who I could imagine spending my life with (just without sex) and who I could see myself just as emotionally satisfied by as I would be in a similar relationship with a girl. I guess what I mainly want is someone to come home to, someone to rely on, someone to care about (which, yes, I am in fact capable of loving and caring about people while having low empathy) and someone to care about me - but also someone who would understand when the world and interacting with people is just too much and would give me alone time accordingly.
That does sound like a quasiplatonic relationship, and I feel comfortable and good calling it that.
This sounds like a lot of descriptions I've seen of gray-aromanticism, but I'm so fucking sick of the homophobia in the aro community that I'm just really reluctant to call myself that and potentially get hurt again.
Am I scared to fall in love again after what happened in high school - scared that I'm never going to find someone who loves me back?
Scared to get close to someone in case I fall head-over-heels for her in the next four years, when we're that much more likely to face violence for being sapphic and our right to get married might be taken away soon and who knows when we'll get that back?
Scared because god I'll eventually have to introduce her to my family, and I don't want to deal with their reactions? Not to mention the reactions of her family, who could very well be worse than mine?
Scared because falling in love is scary by itself and it gets scarier when you're falling in love with someone whose gender is, well, not the same as yours because your gender is fluid and weird, but similar?
And I was scared, that one time when I fell in love.
I've been talking to aro wlw about this, like I said. Two of them, mainly, Alex and Amber, both neurodivergent lesbians in their early twenties. They've both told me that my feelings about romance sound a lot like theirs and that I definitely sound arospec, but I'm still nervous that I might fall in love again and about whether that would invalidate me. Also, I'm not even sure whether I would want that or what a relationship would mean for me.
I've been told that aros can date, but "a best friend who I share my life with" describes romantic relationships as well as platonic, but there are guys who I want that with too, guys who I could imagine spending my life with (just without sex) and who I could see myself just as emotionally satisfied by as I would be in a similar relationship with a girl. I guess what I mainly want is someone to come home to, someone to rely on, someone to care about (which, yes, I am in fact capable of loving and caring about people while having low empathy) and someone to care about me - but also someone who would understand when the world and interacting with people is just too much and would give me alone time accordingly.
That does sound like a quasiplatonic relationship, and I feel comfortable and good calling it that.
This sounds like a lot of descriptions I've seen of gray-aromanticism, but I'm so fucking sick of the homophobia in the aro community that I'm just really reluctant to call myself that and potentially get hurt again.
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