Defining Aromanticism

I was thinking again today about whether I'm aro and it occurred to me:

In order to know whether I don't experience romantic attraction, or whether I experience it rarely, I need to have a concise definition of aromanticism first.

According to the aro community, there already is one: someone who doesn't experience romantic attraction. But this brings up several questions. What about grayromantics? What about people who don't experience romantic attraction, yet don't identify as aro? What about people like me, who are neurodivergent with low empathy and have a hard time understanding love and emotion in general? Furthermore, what is romantic attraction in the first place?

Being attracted to someone in a romantic way? That's circular reasoning; it's saying that romantic attraction is romantic attraction.

Desiring a romantic relationship? There are reasons that someone would want one that have nothing to do with whether they're romantically attracted to them. Maybe they just want companionship and don't care whether the other person has romantic feelings for them. Maybe they can't find someone to have a nonromantic sexual relationship with. Maybe they were already in a relationship before they realized they were aro and now they, for whatever reason, don't feel like breaking up with their partner. Maybe they're hyperromantic due to mental illness.

Also, what is a romantic relationship? A relationship in which two people have romantic feelings for each other? What are romantic feelings?

 A relationship that is deemed romantic by the people involved? That label is completely arbitrary, then. 

An exclusive relationship that is given high priority in one's life? What about polyamory? What about cheating? What about people who don't consider their romantic partners a high priority? 

A relationship that involves romantically coded actions? What exactly are romantically coded actions? Cuddling? Friends and family members do that. People do that with their pets. Kissing? See above, and kissing can also be sexual. Going on dates? What is a date and how does it differ from hanging out with friends?

You see my problem. But if we say that nothing is inherently romantic, which I feel like is the eventual conclusion here, then how are sexually active romantic partners not just best friends who have sex? How are nonsexual romantic relationships even real relationships at all?

That line of thinking can also be homophobic. After all, society will never seriously question the validity of romantic love between cis men and cis women. It will do anything to interpret any action as a sign of a potential m/w relationship while simultaneously hypocritically devaluing and delegitimizing sapphic and achillean relationships. What that means is that young, vulnerable gay and bi people are going to see the aro community saying that nothing is romantic, coupled with straight men calling their friendships "bromance" and straight women referring to their female friends as their girlfriends, and use that to dismiss the very existence of their same gender love. 

It's very common for gay people to mistakenly think they're aroace because internalized homophobia makes them assume that if they don't feel m/w attraction, they can't feel any other kind of attraction either. This happened to two friends of mine, actually, and also to me (depending on whether or not I'm a lesbian) and is part of the reason asexuals are often dismissed as closeted gay people.

I do think it means something if you want to kiss, or cuddle, or go on dates with only ONE gender. But I wouldn't mind doing those things with ANY gender, and given my personal opinion that the split attraction model should really be called the SHIT attraction model, there's no way in hell I'm calling myself biromantic h*m*sexual (which, given my strong sexual preference for women, is what MOGAI hell might label me because OBVIOUSLY any affection between a man and a woman is romantic).

I think it would be helpful if I wrote down what I want and can see myself doing in a romantic relationship.

• kissing
• cuddling
• going on dates, but like I said earlier those aren't necessarily different from hanging out with friends
• getting married
• having someone who I could rely on and come home to
• having someone to eat dinner with (I think I just really like food...)
• having emotional and physical (not necessarily sexual) intimacy
• lots of alone time so I can de-stress from the romantic part of the relationship and do some self-care to not get burned out
• someone to share half the rent on an apartment
• someone to go on adventures and share my life with
• a travel buddy. We are most definitely taking a cross-country road trip and also going to Ireland and the Pacific Northwest and I need someone to take group selfies and play road trip games with
• someone to help take care of my cat because I'm a walking stereotype who desperately wants a cat
• an apartment that I share with the person, with a good friend living across the hall
• a network of other good friends that I do all these things with
• Maybe a kid that all the aforementioned people co-parent. Two moms? Try five, and a few dads and nonbinary parents who aren't moms or dads

Basically I want a best friend who I share my life with. And maybe other things.

I think it would do everyone good to acknowledge some things. First of all, there is no single, universally agreed-upon definition of romantic attraction. Second, that our individual experiences with and feelings toward romance are subjective and nuanced and complicated. Third, that amatonormativity isn't fucking real. Fourth, that there is no solid boundary between aromantic and non-aromantic.

So what exactly makes someone aromantic? I think it depends on how personally useful identifying as aromantic is to you. And it is useful to me, but I'm not really sure if I want to.

And there's also the matter of that unrequited crush I had in high school. Two years. I spent two years blushing every time she said my name, two years following her around like a lovesick gay puppy. That's a long effing time.

I know you don't have to fit the dominant narrative of aromanticism in order to identify as aro.

My only concern is that identifying as aro would erase that, would make people think I've never had any romantic feelings for anyone when that's not true. I did. I loved her. I was in love with her, even though I never kissed her. Even though she never loved me back.

She was my first love and my feelings for her were important to me. They are important to me; I'm still emotionally raw over her and I also never really got closure because I was so scared of confessing my feelings.

No matter what happens in my life and what kind of relationships I have, I'll never forget her. When I say I'm aro, I don't want people to think that my feelings for her weren't real.

I don't really know how to end this post after that. But I will anyway.