So Your Loved One Came Out as Trans or Gender Nonconforming

This is the second post in the "So Your Loved One Came Out" series. And this time, we'll be addressing coming out as binary transgender, nonbinary, and gender nonconforming.

Hi, this is Mod Eli from 2023! I'll probably be discontinuing this blog soon because of the amount of stress I'm under from work, grad school, and mental health issues, but I just wanted to come back and update a few old posts with shitty takes so they reflect what I believe now. Anything in italics is what I'm saying in the present.

You might be a father whose daughter has just revealed her gender to him, a grandmother confused by her grandchild's desire to bind their breasts, an aunt whose niece prefers bowties , or a teenage boy who just came across research on hormone replacement therapy on the screen of his best friend's laptop. You might be a sister whose transgender brother has opened up to her about his gender. You might be a teenage girl whose cousin came out as genderqueer online or a mom whose toddler son has begun to express interest in his sister's Barbies and wants to be a princess for Halloween.

If any of the above describes you, or if you're in a similar situation, you need this post. Even if you don't realize it. And if someone you know is in a situation like this, you need to share this post with them.


1. Yes, you should be afraid for them...and you should be an ally to them.

If you're afraid for your loved one because you know how our society treats people who don't conform to gender norms, you're right to be. Because society treats us like shit.

But that's not an excuse to try to stop us from expressing our true selves! And if you try to, you might just be adding to the problem. Dysphoria can be hell - and is a factor in the high suicide rate in the trans community. The solution is to be an ally to trans people. Call out your cisgender friends, family, and coworkers when they misgender trans people, ridicule us, out us without our permission, or deny us access to necessities like bathrooms and healthcare. There are "I'll Go With You" buttons you can wear that let any trans people nearby know that you'll help them if they need to use a public restroom or changing room and are being denied access. You can also direct other cis people to educational feminist sites like Everyday Feminism, or to YouTubers like Kat Blaque, or to this blog. Education is one of the most powerful tools we have to fix society.

If you're a parent or other caretaker, help your transgender teenage son get a binder and reassure him that he's no less of a boy when he's on his period; teach your trans daughter about makeup (if she wants to wear it) and feminism and take her shopping in the women's section; respect your nonbinary child in however they want to navigate this whole gender thing, and educate other cis parents about nonbinary people so it might be a little easier if their kid is nonbinary, too.

If you're a teacher, you can talk to your students about transmisogyny and the murders of trans women of color in your current events or sociology class, you can tell them about Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson in your U.S. History class while discussing civil rights activism of the 1960s, you can have them read Julia Serano's writings in language arts, you can explain gender dysphoria and hormone replacement therapy to them in sex education, or you can urge them to have a moment of silence on the anniversaries of Leelah Alcorn and Blake Brockington's suicides.

If the transgender loved one who is the reason you're reading this is, for example, your boarding school roommate in a dorm that's segregated by assigned sex, joke with them about how they're such a rebel, breaking the rules by not being the designated gender of that dorm. I've been the transgender roommate in a similar situation, and trust me, having someone I care about affirm my gender like that makes so much of a difference in my outlook on rooming with a group of girls when I'm only sometimes one myself and I know the reason I'm rooming with them is that my genitals look like theirs.

I know you're afraid. No one wants to see the people they love get hurt. And trust me, we're afraid for ourselves and our trans and gender nonconforming kin. We all need to be afraid.

But that shouldn't have to stop us from transitioning and living authentically. We can change our society for the better, but that will take a lot of activism, which is hard work. If it saves even one trans life, though, you know it's worth it.

So I actually don't like Everyday Feminism now, since I've seen way too many articles from there over the years about gnc women having "masculine privilege" and that's obviously not something I want people reading based on my recommendation. Other than that, this is actually mostly okay.

2. Cut the cissplaining.

This is the part where I don't coddle you, cissies. It's okay, I'm sure you'll survive.

The most memorable experience I have of being cissplained to is when I was told (by the same cis person who earlier referred to cis women as "real, regular women") that I shouldn't want to bind my chest because I'm involved in body-positive feminism and I should love my body the way it is.

Yeah, that's real cute. But dysphoria doesn't just go away like that, and if you don't have any of your own I refuse to even consider your opinion on what I should do about mine. No matter how body-positive I am, I can't change the way my body is needlessly societally gendered and forced into this "woman" box even though I'm not strictly a woman. I can't help how uncomfortable that makes me. No matter how masculine or androgynous I'm dressed, one glance at my chest (especially at the size it is) makes it obvious that I'm not like other men - that, in most people's eyes, I'm not a man at all and never will be. Binding, at least, would make it so that my gender is harder to determine at first glance. Which would help me immensely by easing my dysphoria. Later, I'll do something medical about it - get myself sterilized so I don't have to deal with my period (and the bloating in my chest, thighs, and hips that results from it), maybe have top surgery or at least a breast reduction. Whatever I have to do to take care of myself and my health, basically.

If you have a problem with that, I don't want to hear it. I don't care about cis people's opinions on gender dysphoria, understood?

Don't explain trans rights to us. Don't explain nonbinary genders to us. Don't explain our history, our culture, our activism, our identities, our medical or social transitions. We already know, and the best authorities on trans discourse are...surprise!...trans people. As an ally, it's your job to uplift and empower us, not speak for us.

I'm not thrilled about how this was phrased and don't think it was helpful, but honestly, was I wrong?

3. Old Navy has some good stuff for young masculine or androgynous DFAB people.

Just so you know. I shop in their men's department whenever I get the chance, and I've gotten some really good stuff there. You can get better deals if you shop in an outlet mall, by the way.

So, you know, if you're looking for a present for your genderqueer or trans male relative for the holidays, there's that.

Or a chest binder. Chest binders are always welcome. I recommend gc2b or Underworks, but if you can't afford that, there are plenty of programs that donate gently used binders to young trans boys in need. Just explain your situation and I'm sure they'll be happy to help you out (but make sure to ask him what size binder he wears before you pick one out! Yes, doing that will ruin the surprise, but if a binder is too small it can damage our ribs and lungs. Safety first).

I mean honestly, this is okay. Do keep in mind though that there are a lot of reasons someone wouldn't want to bind. When I tried, it triggered a lot of chronic pain for me, the constant pressure around my torso just reminded me of why I needed it, and it was honestly pretty pointless because with my height, small hands, curves, high voice, and feminine features, it's likely the only way I'll be able to consistently pass as anything but female is testosterone and surgeries. Which would likely lead to me being read as male most of the time, which feels even more wrong. So my solution has been to work out, eat testosterone boosting foods, occasionally wear a packer, and save up for chest reduction surgery. Yes, I still experience dysphoria and I'm still nonbinary, but I'm handling that in the way that's best for me. Other people know their situation better than you do.

4. Teach us things.

There is so much I don't know about being a man. Not just sports (and I don't particularly care about those), but things like tying a tie or wearing suits or interacting with other men as one of them. I still feel way more comfortable around women and girls than boys and men. My dad never got a chance to teach me about manhood. Since I was assigned female, I doubt he would have done so even if he'd lived. And thus far, I haven't gotten up the nerve to ask any of the cis men I know to tutor me in this stuff.

If I were DMAB, I probably wouldn't know about fashion or makeup or any of the other things that I actually did learn from the older cis women in my life - the things they taught me because I'd beem assigned female at birth and so they assumed I was a little girl. I wouldn't know how to walk in heels or apply a smoky eye (okay, I'm still pretty bad at both of those things).

If there's a special trans woman in your life and you're a cis woman, offer to help her out. Take her shopping. Look up makeup tutorials for trans women on YouTube and help her do her makeup. There are lingerie stores online for people with penises, if she wants to buy some more feminine underwear that accommodates her genitals - help her shop for that if she wants. If you're both difemina and she's only just coming out as a trans WLW, offer to be her guide to queer lady dating and/or sex - and help her fend off the many TERFs she's likely to meet when she begins to date women as an out queer trans woman.

Honestly a lot of this is fair.

5. Help to dismantle cissexism.

Why did you assume your loved one was cis in the first place? When you see strangers, do you gender them based on appearance (potentially triggering their dysphoria, unbeknownst to you, when you misgender them)? Did you have a "gender party" if you'd ever been pregnant, to reveal whether your baby would have a penis or a vagina? After the baby was born, did you color-code them so strangers would know what their genitals looked like? And when the baby grew into a kid and you had to explain the difference between boys and girls, did you explain it by saying boys had penises and girls had vaginas? Have you never wondered why there's no tampon machine in the men's restroom and no urinals in the women's, even though some men have periods and some women can pee standing up?

If you're cis, at least some of the above probably applies to you. Hell, even if you're trans, some of the above probably applies to you. We've all grown up in a cissexist society. It doesn't means that we're Bad People - and I don't fully believe in the dichotomy of Good and Bad People, anyway; we're all just people who are a little fucked-up and have done good and bad things.

I want you to think about why you instinctively gender infants, who don't even have a concept of object permanence and don't even understand what gender is. I want you to think about why bathrooms are gendered, when everyone needs to pee. I want you to think about why you gender genitals, when your loved one is proof that gender is way more complicated than that. Why do you gender strangers? What assumptions are you making about what men and women look like, and how are those assumptions harmful to trans people (especially nonbinary people)?

Unlearn your own internalized cissexism. Educate yourself, then teach others.

I mean...fair? At this point though I would not recommend gender neutral parenting and have no plans to do it for my own kids if I were to have any. At least, I wouldn't do it in the way I would here - my plan, personally, would be to pick an androgynous name, all different kinds of clothes and toys until they're old enough to have a preference, educate about all different identities, and generally just not push gender roles, but that's about as far as it would go until they're old enough to express an identity one way or the other. I also feel like it's pretty reasonable to assume someone's gender based off appearance and most trans people will get it, but be open and respectful about being wrong and don't make everything about gender when it's not relevant.

6. Masculinity and attraction to women have nothing to do with manhood. Femininity and attraction to women have nothing to do with womanhood.

And the rhetoric that says it does is used both to stigmatize gender nonconforming cis people and to invalidate masculine DMAB trans people and feminine DFAB trans people.

If a cis woman prefers short hair and bowties to dresses, she's dapper. If a trans woman does the same, she's not serious about being a woman. If a cis man wears makeup, he's flamboyant. If a trans man wears makeup, he's a special snowflake. If a cis woman doesn't shave, she's a feminist. If a trans woman doesn't shave, she's not trying hard enough to pass.

While I still agree with a lot of this, I really don't like the way I seemed to imply that gnc cis people have unconditional privilege when they often don't, especially masculine and gender nonconforming women.

And for nonbinary people, this gender policing is used to erase us completely.

I've heard rumors about my sexuality from people I don't know. There's talk that I'm a lesbian when I'm dressed masculine or androgynous and that I'm a straight woman when I'm dressed feminine. (Thus far, there's been no whispers of me looking bisexual or aromantic.) Okay...nice job forcing your lifestyle on everyone, cishet people. I'm not interested in all that degeneracy, though. So, uh...no hetero. (This is how ridiculous you people sound.)

Honestly, it's totally reasonable to assume that someone who's visibly gender nonconforming is gay. A lot of us do legitimately use that as a way to signal to each other, and gender nonconformity is an important part of our history. That said, a lot of the time when people have assumed that about me, it was done in a really disrespectful and invasive way that I don't feel comfortable with. I also have to roll my eyes about the comment about looking bisexual or aromantic or being erased as a cis passing nonbinary person, because how would that even work? Like oh no, teenage me, you're so oppressed for not being as hypervisible as a butch lesbian. Serious cringe right there, but honestly who among us wasn't at 17?

The reason I bring this up is because, as someone who appears as a gender-nonconforming queer woman, I'm also perceived as "practically a man"...except not REALLY, because, you know, biology. And because, contrary to popular belief in feminist spaces, masculine and androgynous women don't benefit from femmephobia or misogyny, while masculine men benefit from both.

Because masculinity and attraction to women are seen as the exclusive property of straight cis men, I and all other masc or androgynous LBPQ women (especially nonbinary and trans women) are marginalized for having those traits while being women. And cishet feminists seem not to understand that a masculine woman-loving woman IS NOT at all the same as a masculine heterosexual man. Queer butch women don't have the ability to replicate the male gaze, to benefit from misogyny, or to oppress straight or femme queer women. Women don't benefit from male privilege, and associating masculine queer women with straight men like this harms both masculine queer women (especially difemina trans women) and transmasculine people who are attracted to women. So stop.

Another reason I'm bringing this up is because I've heard a lot of cis men, especially cishet teenage boys, talk about trans women. What with Caitlyn Jenner's transition, more media representation, and more of us coming out, trans people are more visible than we've ever been to mainstream American society. And that means more people are going to be talking about us, both in positive and negative ways.

I've heard a cis boy say that "the people who enable them [trans people] are almost as bad." (I...what? I'm out to several cis people as genderfluid now, but only one of them has actually verbally acknowledged or affirmed my gender - to my face, that is. And all the advice and information I've gotten about dysphoria, cissexism, and transition has come from other trans people. I don't know exactly which cis people this guy thinks are "enabling" us, especially those of us who aren't rich, abled, and white.) But we're not going to talk about him.

Actually I do want to talk about him. The hypocrisy from these kinds of people is wild. Like I'm just out here vibing, bruh. I'm not pushing anyone else to be trans, just asking for basic respect for the fact that I am and for other people who are. Just like I would respect someone who's cis. But sure, we're the ones who are forcing some kind of agenda, not the people who support our ongoing genocide or who want to force everyone else to conform.

I've heard a cis boy call trans women "it". We won't talk about him, either.

I've heard a couple different cis boys ask, regarding trans lesbians, "What's the point of being a woman if you're attracted to women?" And we will talk about them.

If you've ever wondered what the point of being a trans woman is if she's attracted to women, I want you to consider this: would you ask the same thing about cis LBPQ women? Because trans women are women. All of them. That includes the masculine ones, the hairy ones, the muscular ones, the ones who don't want HRT, the ones who don't want gender affirming surgery, and the ones who are attracted to women. Trans women's genders and sexualities are just as valid as cis women's.

It's pretty obvious that the erasure and invalidation of trans WLW (woman-loving women) is rooted in transmisogyny, homophobia, and an assumption that heterosexuality is the end goal for everyone. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: it's not.

The same applies to feminine trans men and trans men who are attracted to men, by the way.

I agree with some of this but not with the circular logic that's essentially like "trans women are valid because they're valid." Or with the idea that people wouldn't ask cis and afab nonbinary sapphics what the point is in being attracted to women and that our attraction is just accepted. It's not.

Okay so let's flash back to when I was sixteen. I had only vaguely heard of trans people as caricatures but I just kind of had a live and let live outlook toward them even though I was still super ignorant. So I joined Trevorspace looking for support in my coming out journey and other kids like me to talk to, and I started learning more about trans people. That made me question what exactly my stance was, and I realized that I related to trans women on a lot of things and that sometimes, cis and trans women have a lot in common. The biggest issue a lot of people seemed to have with trans people - in particular trans women, in this case - was the fear that they'd prey on kids and cis people, but people thought the exact same thing about me because of my sexuality and that didn't make it true. Sure, they're read as men and might not experience the same misogyny as a cis woman while boymoding, but that happens sometimes to cis people too - and they do experience misogyny once they're out and living as women. Sure, they have sex characteristics that mean they don't get a period and can't give birth, but so do some cis women. 

Trans women still face objectification and fetishization, especially through the sex trade. They still experience sexist microaggressions once they're out. They still have to worry about domestic violence and sexual assault as much as any other woman, they're still pressured to conform to gender roles. They might not all have the same experience as a cis woman with regard to growing up as part of a class expected to become sexual and domestic servants for men and having attraction to your own oppressors pushed on you since before you can even talk, and they might not be affected by anti abortion policies or lack of research on certain medical conditions like endometriosis, but a lot of them have never claimed to experience that - and being trans comes with its own trauma and discrimination.

Ultimately as a gender variant afab sapphic, I feel more in common with transfeminine sapphics than I do with cishet women. We have a shared culture, history, community. We've both found joy in a self determined approach to womanhood and in loving in a way people didn't expect. I may not fully understand the journey of identifying as a trans butch lesbian while assigned male at birth, but I don't have to understand to be respectful and welcome them with open arms.

7. Learn about cis privilege.

8. Unlearn the idea that certain items are inherently gendered.

Clothes have no gender. Toys have no gender. Pop culture - such as Disney Princess movies, for example - has no gender. Only people have gender, and that's only sometimes.

But our society genders them anyway. Our society genders everything and everyone. All the time. And the only options it allows and accepts are cis male and cis female.

Growing up, we all saw the explosion of fairies and glitter in the little girls' sections in clothing stores - especially if we grew up in America in the twenty-first century - and the way kids were color-coded from birth. We've all learned certain things, false things, about what it means to be a man or a woman.

Contrary to what many people, even other trans people, believe about genderfluid people, I don't believe that wanting to wear certain clothing makes me male or female on any given day. But I am just a naturally androgynous person with a fluid gender expression, and like everyone else, I internalized gender policing BS about how men and women dress and act. So when my dysphoria's bad or I'm a guy for the moment, it's a source of comfort to me to know that I look masculine - that my clothes, at least, are more like I've always been taught men should look.

That's also one reason that many - many, but not all - trans women find comfort in femininity. A lot of radfems think trans women only identify as women because they're feminine (which is flawed logic, because not all trans women are feminine, anyway), that trans men transition because of internalized misogyny, and that trans people in general think womanhood is about being submissive and hyperfeminine.

We don't. This is a strawman fallacy on radfems' part. I'm not genderfluid because I'm androgynous. I'm a genderfluid person who happens to be androgynous and finds comfort in that.

Not every androgynous person is nonbinary, and not every nonbinary person is androgynous.

9. You aren't exempt from transphobia just because you aren't straight.

10. Cisphobia doesn't exist.

11. Stop calling cis people real, regular, or normal.

By this, I mean, for example, don't call cis women "normal women" (as opposed to trans women). Cis women are only "normal women" because systemic transphobia and transmisogyny says they are.

 This also doesn't seem to be a standard applied as much to trans men and cis men. Transmisogyny, perhaps? We may never know.

lmao at the idea that the same standard isn't applied to trans men. It totally is.

12. We weren't "born as" boys or girls. We were born as babies.

And you need to stop gendering babies.

13. No, trans women don't have male privilege.

See what I wrote about trans women a few points above.

14. You can stop with the "biology" argument now.

15. Yes, nonbinary people exist.




And...that's about it, really. Trans people, if you'd like me to add anything, let me know in the comments. Cis people, if you have any questions, just ask.