So since I'm good with numbered lists, I'm going to do that.
- Calling lesbianism restrictive or limiting.
The truth is, when you don't want to be with men, doing it anyway can feel suffocating. It can harm your mental health to force yourself into a relationship that doesn't actually bring you joy.
There are also bi women who don't date men, and you probably don't say they're limiting themselves. You probably don't say that gay men or straight people are either. Why the double standard? Just let people date who they want. Not all women date men, die mad about it.
2. Believing in monosexual privilege.
Hot damn this is the big one. Monosexual privilege, that shit that was made up by resident lesbophobic dumbass bitch Shiri Eisner? Yeah. It's not real.
50% of all LGBT people of color are bisexual. 50% of trans people identify as something other than gay or straight. Both populations are disproportionately impoverished and likely to be mentally ill or to engage in survival sex work. Both populations are disproportionately likely to be sexually assaulted.
Do you really think that statistics like bi people being more likely to experience employment discrimination, to be abused, to be sexually assaulted, to be suicidal, to be poor, are going to apply to cis white bi people? That I, a white bi woman, automatically have more in common with a bi person of color than a gay person of color does? Do you think that cis bi women have more in common with me than I do with a nonbinary lesbian?
When I was seventeen and die-hard believed in it, screamed-at-any-lesbian-who-tried-to-reason-with-me believed in it, made-shitty-homophobic-Tumblr posts believed in it, there was this guy Mike who was really popular in those kinds of cringe-y circles of ignorant bi people who didn't know shit about politics or history and were way too defensive over our m/w relationships. Mike was a cis white bi man, but acted as if fucking women made him about a million times less privileged than a cis white gay man and I totally fell for it. Not in a romantic way, but like...I looked up to him.
He was also about...uh, ten years older than me? So the fact that he seemed to take me seriously and treat me like an adult felt like a huge compliment, but the truth was that he was just some predatory creep who liked to tell lesbians they were oppressing him by not fucking him and manipulate young bi people, especially bi girls, into agreeing with him. Oh, and despite being cis and having literally no evidence for any of his claims, he constantly accused trans people of being TERFs, gatekeepers, and truscum if they weren't MOGAI.
He was hardly the only bi adult I encountered who believed in this. In fact, a lot of the adult MOGAIs who helped lure me into that hellscape were bi women. Bi women, who either didn't know or didn't care that they were just helping their oppressors sexually harass lesbians. Bi women, who wrote horrible homophobic thinkpieces against the evils of the LGs. Cis bi women, who would constantly try to affix themselves to the trans community as if they weren't being homophobic to trans gay people and nonbinary gay people too, as if they were somehow less oppressive to trans people than cis lesbians were.
Which brings me to my next point...
3. Erasing, speaking over, and tokenizing non-cis lesbians and lesbians of color.
Cis bi women and even non-cis bi women do this all the time. White bi women do this all the time. Equating our implicit racism as white women to lesbians' biphobia. Acting as if lesbians can't date trans women or nonbinary women. Using white fragility to our advantage. Saying that being gay is cissexist, as if cis bi people don't have that "I don't see gender" or "Hearts Not Parts" BS. Ignoring our privileges. Conflating TERFs with lesbians, as if TERFs don't hate trans lesbians more than anyone or there aren't straight, aroace, and bisexual TERFs. As if associating lesbianism with transmisogyny isn't playing right into TERFs' hands.
4. Not even trying to listen to lesbians and always assuming the worst.
There were lesbians who legitimately tried to be patient with me and educate me when I was a MOGAI. They were good people who genuinely cared about bi women, but they weren't pushovers and they weren't going to put up with my homophobic bullshit. So when they finally lost patience with me, I took it as evidence that lesbians were nothing more than shrieking, bimisogynist, oppressive monosexual bitches who resented me because I was attracted to men.
I admit, I'm guilty of this even now. Always assuming the worst of lesbians. Scrutinizing them and judging them based purely on their orientation. I just admitted it to myself tonight, when I came across a butch lesbian blogger and my first thought was not to appreciate their writing and promote it in solidarity with my butch and lesbian siblings, but to hunt down everything they'd ever written and put it under a microscope to find something, anything negative that I could use to justify my prejudice.
Lesbians are human. They are women who love women, just like we are. They aren't perfect, but they aren't monsters either. Stop treating them that way. You're not some flawless little princess either, you know, so treat lesbians the way you would feel you deserve for them to treat you.
5. Not letting lesbians have anything for themselves.
It's great for lesbians and bi women to be allies to one another and to seek solidarity with each other. We have a lot in common and we're targeted by the same oppressive forces. But that doesn't mean there shouldn't ever be anything just for one group. Not everything has to be all-inclusive.
Let femme and butch lesbians make things exclusively for femme and butch lesbians. Let lesbians have lesbian-only spaces. Let lesbians talk about how they tried to be bi out of self-hate. Let lesbians acknowledge that m/w relationships are privileged. Let lesbians not care about men. Let lesbians prioritize other lesbians in their feminism.
If they're actually being biphobic or bimisogynist, you can call them out. But someone not focusing on YOU YOU YOU all the time doesn't mean they hate you. Don't be so self-absorbed. Some things aren't that deep.
6. Appropriating butch/femme terminology and reducing those identities to aesthetics.
To clarify, I just mean the wlw gender labels here, not the ball culture ones.
I know that bi women can be butch or femme and honestly I think we have bigger problems than some newly-out teenage bi girl tagging her selfies with those words when they don't apply to her, but it is not okay to take butch and femme out of a strictly woman-for-woman context.
Don't say shit like "haha it's so funny that I have a boyfriend when I'm butch" or "I bet I'm femme because I like guys too." Especially don't call yourself these terms if you're that kind of pick-me bitch who tries to appeal to guys by telling them you're a feminist or you like girls or you like to wear masculine clothing, but you're not one of those hairy ugly butch lesbians. Those hairy, "ugly" butch lesbians are family. They are a huge part of our culture and history and they are often amazing people if you actually give them a chance.
It's not cute and it's a slap in the face to the butches and femmes who made our community as great as it is.
Are you a bi woman? Do you feel attacked or personally insulted by this post?
Do you think lesbians should feel attacked or personally insulted by my last post, when I talked extensively about the alienation I felt from the lesbian community and why I felt like I couldn't trust lesbians?
Think really fucking hard about your answers to those questions, girls. And do better. Do better yourself, encourage other bi women to do better and call out their lesbophobia, do better for lesbians and the bi women who love them. I hope I can do the same.
No comments:
Post a Comment