Dove Makes a Reapperence

 TW: dysphoria, transphobia, dating while trans, self hatred, q-slur, self rejection, disconnection  

Sorry I took so long getting around to this. I'm actually currently on take 3 of writing this post if only because I don't actually know what I feel.

I think I might be either genderfluid or genderq***r. In that I mean I either go from female to whatever nonbinary state I am now every few months or just have always been nonbinary.

This is my third length of time that I've felt strong dysphoria and/or a non-female identity.

Once could've been a mistake.

Twice could've been a placebo. 

But I'm a firm believer in third time's the charm and so I'm reasonably certain this means something. What, I don't know. I don't know a lot of things about this. How does this effect my sexuality? I'm not even sure I was ever interested in men/boys to begin with... but then what?

I'm AFAB and you'd know it by looking at me. No matter what I do I still look like a girl. I get ma'am'd and miss'd. I thought maybe profound discomfort with that was just me being uncomfortable with signs of respect.

I don't think it is. 

Little things that I used to like, being one of the 'girls', suddenly just give me a twinge of discomfort in my side.

I guess I'm not cis, but I don't WANT to be trans. Maybe it's all that internalized transphobia. Maybe it's because I have a terror about never being loved. And yes, I know it's messed up to assume no girl would ever want someone who's nonbinary.

Never want me, I guess is what I'm saying. I've made a lot of progress mentally towards loving myself but sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter.

Why should it matter that I think I'M gorgeous? I'm not the one who might go out with myself. 

Being cis and a lesbian(?) might narrow my dating fields significantly but I don't want lose any sort of chance at all.

And I know academically that plenty of nonbinary people date fine, but my brain's never liked academic truths.

 

It's not fair but when have people ever cared about being fair. I want to be able to be girly without being a girl. I want to wear a dress because I love dresses, but when people see me in a dress with my oh so feminine face they'll think she.

It's too much to ask, of course it is. All I know is that I'm definitely not a boy and there what? This is just so many questions and so little answers because I don't have an answer.

Whenever I do the things that make me feel like I don't look like a girl I end up thinking I look like a boy. Which I'm pretty sure I don't. But that's just worse because I don't want to have to chose between boy and girl. 

I just am not. It's like I don't even exist and it doesn't help that my two favorite nonbinary characters ever which I project onto like nobody's business -- mainly because there's nobody else for me to project onto-- are constantly misgendered by the fandom. 

Don't even get me started on the awful things fandoms do to force nonbinary characters into a box but I digress. 

I'm pretty sure half of this isn't even grammatically correct but I don't even care. It feels good to just rant and rave.

I want to wear a dress like a boy and I want to wear a suit like a girl. 

It is too much to ask. 

That's all I know for sure. 

I came out the first time recklessly with an overblown sense of drama. So loudly that everyone knew.

And if I went back on that, said "hey guys, I was wrong," I don't know what would happen. The longer I wait the more transphobic stereotypes sink in, but I'm just too scared to be wrong again.

I don't want to be called a liar.

And a similar thing with my name-- I've changed it once already and people won't be happy if I do.

Respecting name changes, whether because someone is trans or just because they don't like their name, is apparently super difficult. 

Jeesh. I'm so tired of telling people not to call me by my original name that I'm not even sure I want to go through that again. It's not that my real name gives me dysphoria, per se, but it does mark me as female. And THAT causes dysphoria.

I want to be whoever I am, but how can I do that when I don't know who I am? 

Sometimes I even feel like I'm not even here. Like my body is just going through automatic motions. I don't know if that's cause I'm ADHD or if it's dysphoria induced. Might be anxiety. 

People are hard to deal with. Myself included. A lot of this is just flat out stream of consciousness, by the way. 

I've got a lot of stress built up and it's nice to just talk about it. Get it off of my back. I'm going to try to blog more often from now on.

Mod Dove