We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programming...

CW: usage of the Q-slur toward the end

...so I can share some amazing news. I'm hopped up on euphoria and shaking a little bit right now, by the way, so forgive me if I misspell anything.

And yes, I'm putting my hiatus on hiatus. That's how good it is. This may just be the best day of my life.

I got my first paycheck. I can now, like a goddamned adult, buy myself a chest binder.

I already have one picked out. It's from gc2b, it's tank-style, it costs about $40 (US currency), and it's roughly the same color as my skin (so I can wear white shirts and not worry about it showing through). I still need to measure myself to figure out what size I need, but I know for sure it's around 3XL. Which should tell you something about how relieved and excited I am that in a few weeks, it's going to arrive in the mail.

By the way, they have nude-colored binders in shades other than my very pale, very white complexion. And not just, like, a shade darker. The darkest binder in gc2b's nude line is medium brown. And it's not even named "cocoa" or "chocolate" or "coffee", which is nice. Just to let any trans, nonbinary, or gender nonconforming PoC who bind know.

So this new development in my life brings about a few personal questions. Specifically, should I eventually change my legal gender marker to male? Should I legally change my name?

I'm going to sort out my feelings on this with a pros and cons list:

Pros:
1. I will likely be paid more for the same job and will be more likely to get promoted.
2. Any time I show my ID cards to a police officer, TSA official, bank teller, etc., they won't raise any eyebrows at the name and gender on said ID cards if they read me as male.
        • While NOT changing my gender wouldn't subject me to as much transphobia from doctors as doing so, my masculine gender expression would likely be interpreted as "butch lesbian" and that's not exactly a safe identity to occupy, or even be mistaken for, either.
      • Also, I would probably be seen as trans either way. After all, I'm going to be binding soon, and I might eventually go on testosterone and/or get top surgery. My flat chest alone, coupled with clear evidence (the binder; surgery scars) that there is or was cleavage there and that I've been dysphoric about that, would give me away.
3. But not changing my name and legal gender wouldn't necessarily protect me from being mistaken for a teenager.
4. Legally changing my name and gender could potentially protect me from dysphoria.


Cons:
1. A good look at my medical history would reveal that I'm trans, and I could easily be denied that job in the first place because of that.
       • Do I really WANT that kind of advantage over my female coworkers? It would feel like cheating.
2. There's no guarantee that I would ever be able to pass as a cis man, and a lot of the time I don't even want to.
        • And if I'm in a conservative area and need to be hospitalized for some reason, the fact that my IDs would say male but my body would be seen by doctors and paramedics as female could put me in danger. After all, there are cases of doctors refusing to even treat trans patients.
3. I'm probably going to be mistaken for a teenage boy until I'm in my late twenties - at the least. This could disadvantage me if I say I'm an adult and someone thinks I'm lying about my age.
4. These changes will likely be very expensive.
5. While pretending to be strictly female feels wrong, so does transitioning so that I'm living as a man. And there is, so far, no nonbinary gender marker in my state.
      • What if there was a nonbinary gender marker here? If I used that, it would be obvious that I was trans and non-straight to anyone who saw it - regardless of what they're assuming about my gender or assigned sex. I'm already visibly disabled and trans/GNC. Because of my sexuality, I will be vulnerable in every relationship I ever have (depending on my partner's gender and sexuality, and whether we're read as a gay couple or not). That's a lot. Do I really want to risk anyone having more ammo to use against me? Ever since Pulse, I've been more than a little apprehensive about how hypervisible I am for my gender and sexuality. I don't want to have a panic attack every time I show someone my state ID or driver's license.

So it seems like the con arguments are stronger for now. Maybe if things change in the future - equal pay, more acceptance of trans people - then I'll change my mind. But for now, changing my name and gender marker aren't feasible options for me.

But it's not something I have to worry much about it. Yet.


I want to conclude this post by addressing anyone, especially cis people, who knows me in real life and is reading this:

• Being dysphoric doesn't mean I hate my body.
• Google is a lovely resource. Use it. Look up "what does nonbinary mean". Research nonbinary genders in different cultures. Educate yourselves and realize that people like me are not teenage special snowflakes on Tumblr.
• Yes, I realize I've gone through a lot of labels. Yes, I've been confused. Gender is confusing. So is sexuality.
• I've been hearing a lot of this "why do we need all of these labels? We're all just people uwu" nonsense from straight cis people. And cis aroaces. And sometimes from cis LGB people. In response: we need labels, particularly in response to race, gender and sexuality, because they describe how we interact with the world and how we fit into our communities. We need labels because when you fit into the default label, what most people will call you is normal. We need labels because there is a rich history behind labels like gay and lesbian and bisexual and transgender and genderqueer and pansexual and sapphic. Because they describe the specific experiences we've had because we fit into those labels and the solidarity we feel with people who share them. There are no such shared connections between cis or (most) straight people, so the labels of cis and straight are generally not as important to them.
• No, I do not care about your opinions on my decision to bind.
• Should I ever choose to go on testosterone and/or get top surgery, I won't care about your opinions on that either.
• Your job is to support me and take me seriously no matter what I do or don't do in my transition.
• This includes not ignoring my gender or misgendering me.
• I don't bite, I promise. If you have any questions about my gender or trans and nonbinary people in general, please don't be afraid to ask.
• That said: in order to ask or actually learn anything, you will have to actually acknowledge my gender. 
• It's so scary and makes you uncomfortable, I know. Sadly for you, I'm not obligated to care. And I don't intend to.
• I have put up with my own discomfort for the better part of twenty years, because any time I actually displayed self-acceptance it made cis people uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure you can learn to be comfortable with me.