Yes, Hetero A-Spec People Are Straight And Here's Why

CW: homophobic slurs, graphic descriptions of homophobia and transphobia

Unfortunately, my wifi has been down the past few days, so I couldn't be sure when I'd be able to publish this, so I wrote it out on Word. I promised a link and I'll deliver.

I, and many other A-spec SGA people, have made it very clear that we've been alienated by non-SGA aros and aces. The constant homophobia is exhausting, the constant straw manning is exhausting (no one has argued, as far as I know, that aros and aces don't deserve a safe space at all. We just don't think that aros and aces are LGBTQ by virtue of being aro or ace), and the privilege denial and tone policing are exhausting. But that's only part of what led me to change my mind about A-spec straight people.

I know that we're all discriminated against for being A-spec, okay? It sucks to be told that you're cold and heartless or to realize that the kind of relationship you've been raised to want is one that you'll probably never have. It sucks
 to feel like you're broken because of your sexuality, to be invalidated, or to be told that you'll eventually find the "right one". You don't have to tell me that. You don't have to tell any gay person that, whether we're aro, ace, or neither.

But I also know that not all discrimination is oppression. A-spec struggles, while awful, have never been political struggles. The government has never tried to commit genocide against A-spec people for being A-spec, not in any country or culture. We've never had to struggle for the right to get married for being A-spec. No one is fired, denied housing, or murdered for being A-spec.

When faced with that, can we really say that aphobia is always oppressive? Especially when, let's be honest, cisgender dyadic heterosexual aros and cisgender dyadic heteroromantic aces benefit from heteronormativity far more than they are hurt by it, and more than non-hetero people ever will?

That realization, which came to me last weekend as I was weeding, is what drove me to compile the following list. It's a list of the arguments I've heard to defend hetero A-spec people, and how I counter them.


• “But what about medicalization?”
That was based on misdirected ableism; asexuality has been medicalized by psychiatry and demonized by health professionals because it was seen as a disability.

• “Aces and aros used to be part of the bi community."
Because they felt the same about all genders and one of the only words for this was “bisexual”. However, aces and aros are not actually bisexual by virtue of being ace or aro and therefore do not belong in the bi community. Many bi people, both A-spec and not, have spoken about this.

• “There’s homophobia in every community, aces and aros are no different.”
Yes??? I’m not even sure what you’re trying to argue here.

• “What about corrective rape?”
Misogyny, racism, and misdirected ableism and homophobia.

• “These are the same arguments used against bi people!”

The Stonewall Riots were started by two bi women. The first Pride Parade was organized by a bi woman. Bi people experience oppression for being attracted to multiple genders, and SGA bi people are oppressed for being attracted to their own. I’m not saying bi people should be excluded. Nobody is saying bi people should be excluded.

 We're saying straight cis people should be excluded, and comparing bi people to straight people is something that multiple bi people - including me, when I thought I was bi, have said is biphobic. If you're not bi, you shouldn't be making this argument at all.

• “We’re oppressed by our family and friends!!”

Do you know what the word oppression means? Just because it’s sometimes hard for aces and aros to tell our loved ones about our identities doesn’t mean that we’re oppressed for it. It means we’re being discriminated against and facing adversity because of oppression that was intended for other people but is now being misdirected against us.

It is not illegal, anywhere in the world, to be ace or aro. You will never be killed for being ace or aro. You will never be kicked out of your home, fired, or denied housing and healthcare for being ace or aro.

• “Het aces are just as ace as the rest of us!”
A lot of non-het aces have told me this when I called out non-SGA aces on homophobia. I think they’re assuming I’m ace, and I don’t know why. I’m not ace, I’m gay aro. And I have never said that het aces aren’t ace.

• “People are fired for being ace or aro.”
Look, buddy. I’m not sure why your boss even knows that you’re A-spec. Why did you tell them? What possible need could you have to do that?

Honestly, if you were my employer and you told me “I don’t feel sexual attraction unless I form an emotional bond with someone” or “I want sex, but I have no desire to date”, I would probably just think you were weird.

 Like, yeah, I’d realize, oh, he’s demi or oh, she’s aro…but I would mostly wonder why you feel the need to tell me about your sex life at all. I simply can’t conceive of any situation in which I would possibly need or want to know that, or in which I could find out by accident.?

However, there are numerous situations in which I, as your hypothetical employer, could easily find out you were gay or bi or trans, or in which it would be completely appropriate to come out to me. If I were providing you with insurance benefits and you wanted your same-gender partner to benefit from them, you would probably have to share that they were the same gender as you at some point.

For being trans, that’s rather obvious. You’d have to come out at some point if you don’t want to deal with misgendering. Or you’d come to work one day wearing a binder or breast forms or you’d take time off work to have surgery or request to have hormone replacement therapy included in your health benefits.

As for being gay or bi, if you brought your partner to the company picnic or office party, I’d likely meet them.

If I came to your home for a business dinner, I’d probably know either by meeting your partner or by seeing photos of them on your wall.

 If you came out to your friends at the office, I’d probably find out through gossip.

If you wanted to take off work to care for them when they were sick, you would probably come out to me then, too.

If you forgot your lunch at home, I might meet them when they came to drop it off.

If I ran into you and your kid on a family outing and they referred both to you and to someone of your same gender as Mommy or Daddy, I’d figure it out pretty easily.

If you started dating a same-gender co-worker, I’d know through company gossip.

I make this comparison to say that there are a million ways for an employer to find out if you’re LGBTQ, but very few in which they will ever know you’re A-spec or in which it would be appropriate to tell them. LGBTQ A-spec people are far more vulnerable to employment discrimination than cis aroaces or cishet A-spec people will ever be.

• “I’ve had to lie to doctors about my asexuality in the past.”

Why, because it was seen as a disability and disabled people are frequently abused by the medical industry? Or because your doctors thought your hormones were “wrong” and that you might be medically intersex, and intersex people are also frequently abused by the medical industry?


• “I’m a cisgender heteroromantic ace / heterosexual aro and ______ happened to me”

And that’s genuinely awful. I’m sorry that happened to you; aphobia is truly horrible, but straight aros and straight aces are still straight – despite the discrimination perpetuated against them.

Being privileged does not mean your life is going to be perfect, and of course not everyone in a privileged group benefits from that privilege to the same degree.

Gender nonconforming cis people, as we’ve seen very clearly lately with the new bathroom laws, may be mistaken for a trans person. They may be punished for defying gender roles. Their genders, especially if they are butch lesbians, may be policed. They are still cis.

White Latinx people and dark-complexioned white people may be mistaken for a person of color. They might experience misdirected racism based on that, and white Latinxs are still subject to some anti-Latinx sentiment. They are still white.

Trans men, nonbinary men, and feminine men (and men who are some combination of the three) may be mistaken for women and experience misdirected misogyny based on that, but they are still men.

Christians who practice a folk form of Christianity or who practice witchcraft, healing, herbalism, or anything else associated with another religion may be subjected to misdirected Christian supremacy. LGBT Christians and Christian cishet women are going to experience homophobic, transphobic, or misogynistic vitriol from their religion. Christians of color, especially Asian, indigenous, and Arab people, may be assumed to be non-Christian because of their race and be subjected to discrimination based on that. But these people are still Christian and if they live in the west, they are still privileged for it.

Straight black men are viewed as predatory and thuggish when they are attracted to a white woman. Straight trans people face misdirected homophobia due to their trans identity. Straight women, especially sex workers and trans women, are shamed for having sex and can experience misogyny and abuse from their boyfriends and husbands. Straight GNC people may experience homophobic harassment due to heterosexist assumptions about their sexuality.  They are still straight, and so are you.

• “Are aroaces also straight?”

No. They do not experience exclusive m/w attraction, making them non-straight. And, of course, nonbinary aroaces exist, and can’t be straight because they have no “opposite” gender to be attracted to.

They’re also harmed by heteronormativity in a way that cishet people are not, because 1) they are much more likely to be in a relationship or have sex with someone of their same gender and experience misdirected homophobia based on that and 2) they are discriminated against for not experiencing m/w attraction.

While straight aros and straight aces can enter (and by definition, only desire) a relationship that has little to no social stigma, aroaces would have to lie about their relationship being romantic or sexual in order for it to be seen as heteronormative.

If a straight ace tells people that they don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone, but that they still only want m/w relationships, they are likely going to be relatively accepted. If a straight aro tells people that they don’t feel romantic attraction to anyone, but still only want m/w relationships, they are still going to be relatively accepted.
If an aroace tells people that they feel neither romantic nor sexual attraction to anyone and don’t desire m/w relationships, they are likely going to be told that this is impossible, that they will eventually find the right person, and that they are just need to “try it” – similar to what I’m told when I’m asked about having a boyfriend and I respond with disinterest.

 There is a lack of representation for anyone who doesn’t experience m/w attraction, because we live in a heteronormative, heavily sexualized and romanticized society, with media and social attitudes to match, that stresses heterosexuality as the only valid option, and that often threatens social ostracization or physical violence against anyone who dares not follow those rules. Aroaces are unable to follow the rules and are marginalized for that, though they are not the intended targets (gay people are).

I’m not sure if I still believe they’re oppressed, but for now at least I'm not sure how much it matters. Aroaces aren't straight, they face prejudice called aphobia, and aphobia is wrong.

Cis aroaces are not LGBTQ and cannot identify as queer, however. They deserve a safe space, as do all aros and aces, but that space does not have to be a community with which they 1) have been informed by the people who are already objectively part of it that they are not welcome, 2) have little in common with politically, and 3) have no shared history.

• “A has stood for asexual and aromantic for years.”

Yes, and do you know why?

It’s because of David Jay.

For those of you unfamiliar with David Jay, he’s the founder of AVEN – the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, meaning that he basically kick-started the online A-spec community. He’s an asexual cis man who identified as heteroromantic at the time, but only recently realized he was bi. He’s also a misogynistic abuser who treated his wife as an experiment and said that she repulsed him and a notorious homophobe who not only forced his way into a marginalized community where he knew he wasn’t wanted, but forced the word “fag” into the middle of the LGBT (or, as he called it, LGBTQFAGBDSM) acronym and said that he was proud of himself for doing so.

While his biromanticism automatically makes him not straight, it does not change his actions, which he has never apologized for or recanted. It does not excuse him of invading the LGBT community when he had believed at the time that he was a cis man who was exclusively attracted to women, or of forcing a triggering, homophobic and transmisogynistic slur into that community’s very name.

Do you know, homophobe, where the word faggot comes from?

It means pile of sticks. Because during the Middle Ages, LGBT people were one of the groups that was subjected to genocide at the hands of the Catholic Church. But the Church decided that my community’s forebears were too low and disgusting for even a stake, so they just tossed them into the fire and burned them alive, along with all the other fags.

Today, it’s a word that has likely been screamed at millions of gay and bisexual men, AMAB nonbinary people, and trans women around the world – often as they are being beaten up, raped, subjected to conversion therapy, or murdered for who they are.

If David Jay wants to reclaim that word for himself now, he can. He’s a man who’s into men. He just can’t force thousands of other people to accept his using it for them, especially when he’s privileged over two of the groups that it’s systemically used against. And when he forced it into the acronym, he didn’t know he was bi.

Even if he had, how would that make it not oppressive? Plenty of marginalized people do oppressive shit toward the groups they’re part of and that doesn’t make it okay. Just look at Ben Carson. Look at Good Girl Comeback, which is a nightmarish, Christian supremacist organization that promotes slut shaming, internalized misogyny, and heteronormativity under the guise of fake “girl power” and half-assed, faux-progressive, privileged feminism (three of my friends once took a class with them, assuming they really were feminist, and told me about it afterward. We now despise Good Girl Comeback with a burning, fiery passion). Or, hell, look at me when I was still a Christian – filled with self-righteous internalized misogyny and centering my Christian hurt feelings in any social justice discussion where non-Christians (usually women and/or LGBT people) were talking about how Christian supremacy had hurt them.

This man is the reason aces and aros, by virtue of being A-spec, are thought to have any place in the LGBT community. He was proud of doing something to hurt us.
And before you say that you don’t care that the dirty allos, who are obviously just giant aphobes and need to check their privilege for wanting a space to themselves, were hurt by this, think about the argument that so many non-cis and/or non-het aces and aros use when defending straight cis members of our communities:

• “We’re ace/aro too! When you hurt them, you hurt us too!”

Why doesn’t that logic apply to gay and bi people? I’m just as gay as those “allos” you hate so much – I just happen to also be aro.

When you do something to hurt “allos” (shut up, we all know you mean LGBQ people) – and, by feeling entitled to their communities, despite being cis and not SGA or MGA, and behaving abusively or even violently toward anyone who feels uncomfortable with that, you are hurting them – you hurt me.