Signs You Might Be Sapphic

I questioned myself so much in middle school that I actually took online quizzes titled "Am I Gay?" and each and every single time the results said I was either gay or bisexual...yet I still managed to convince myself that I was straight. After all, all girls were attracted to girls, to some degree! I was just appreciating their aesthetic beauty! I was just really looking forward to experimenting in college! When - not if - I married a man, I could close my eyes and pretend he was a woman so I wouldn't be repulsed by him! (I don't identify as bi or lesbian currently, but I can't imagine myself married to a man or dating one in the future.)

Point is, I don't want any other woman or girl to go through what I did. Especially since the self-hate and internalized homophobia she built up might very well be worse than my own.

So here's what I've collected, from my own experiences, those submitted by the lovely ladies of Closeted Lesbian Opinions and Closeted Bi Girl Opinions, and a Google search called how to know if you're a lesbian.

1. When you watched Disney movies as a kid, you always imagined yourself as the one rescuing the princess
2. When you read or watch anything sexual or romantic in which the sex or romance takes place between a man and a woman, it doesn't appeal to you
1. Alternately, if you are, you're focusing on the woman or are imagining yourself as the man
3. You keep thinking about how beautiful women are
4. You've questioned if you might be a lesbian
5. You've Googled something like 'what does it mean if I get turned on thinking about my female friend'
6. You've felt relief when told that women are 'naturally more turned on by women'
7. You daydream about having an intense, passionate, emotionally intimate primary relationship with another woman, possibly including raising kids with her
8. Your heart races when you hug a beautiful woman
9. You listen to the song "She" by Dodie Clark, "Girls Like Girls" by Hayley Kiyoko, or "She Keeps Me Warm" by Mary Lambert and instantly began smiling as you thought about how amazing women are
10. You've felt relieved when told that all women are bisexual, because that meant you didn't find women more attractive than any other woman
11. You've thought about how "obvious" it is that lesbians and bisexual women are "just faking it for attention"...because the way they described their sexualities sounded a lot like yours
12. You've fantasized about kissing women
13. You had a 'lesbian phase' in college
14. You like lesbian porn (note: I've been told by older sapphic women that most lesbian porn is awful, due to the fact that it's made for straight men and not us, so it doesn't make you any less valid if you don't like it).
15. You keep daydreaming about your close female friend(s), wanting to spend a lot of time with them, wanting to hold their hands, being jealous of their relationships with their boyfriends, etc.
16. You've stared at women in low-cut shirts or tight pants
17. You've caught yourself thinking about the attractiveness of a woman's breasts, butt, legs, hips, thighs, lips, hands, or voice
18. You've fantasized about women, but feel nervous or scared about acting on it.
19. You've thought about how every detail of a woman is beautiful, but chalked it up to just appreciating them
20. You mainly or exclusively draw women
21. You prefer pop culture that focuses on women, and may be disappointed when one or both of the female characters begins dating a man
22. You've looked at other women in the locker room, but assumed you were just envious of their bodies
23. You enjoy cuddling with women
24. You rarely or never notice men other than your husband or boyfriend
25. You reeeeeeaaaally like Victoria's Secret ads
26. You have a hard time differentiating between friendship with and attraction to men
27. Sometimes when talking about how pretty another woman is, you mention something like her breasts or hips or butt
28. You find nail polish and makeup extremely attractive on other people, though not necessarily on yourself
29. You've thought the same thing about skirts or dresses
30. You find long hair extremely attractive
31. You love the smell of women's shampoo
32. You don't like kissing your boyfriend or husband
33. You have to force yourself to express pleasure when having sex with your boyfriend or husband
34. You want to save yourself for marriage, but can't picture yourself actually married to a man
35. You only like fictional men and celebrities
36. You've wished that you weren't attracted to men
37. You get flustered easily around women
38. You think of your boyfriend as a best friend with the title of 'boyfriend'
39. You write a lot of femslash fanfic or draw yuri
40. You love reading femslash
41. You're looking forward to experimenting with women in college, if you aren't there yet
42. The only boys you had crushes on in high school already had girlfriends or were considered attractive by your female friends
43. You don't want to date until and unless you find a guy that you can picture yourself spending the rest of your life with, and as a consequence are eighteen or older and have never dated
44. You're afraid to look at women
45. You've found women so attractive that you can't take your eyes off them
46. It felt like a lie when you said you were straight
47. You identify as straight "by default"
48. You think it would be awesome to go to an all-girls school
49. You felt intense emotion when listening to lesbian singers, such as Mary Lambert or Tegan and Sara, especially when they were singing about loving women
50. You've assumed you hated other women or were jealous of them when you found them beautiful
51. It makes you uncomfortable when men flirt with you
52. You get the chills when you see a really pretty woman
53. Writing about emotional intimacy between women comes very easily to you
54. You feel more comfortable interacting with women than men
55. You have a preference for androgynous or feminine men
56. There is a woman in your life who gives you butterflies in your stomach and you get disappointed when you don't get to see her
57. You don't want to have sex with men or kiss them
58. You've thought something along the lines of "I'm not gay, I just appreciate women's beauty"
59. You ship a lot of femslash pairings and feel pressured to reassure yourself that you just like them because the chemistry is so obvious, not because you would want a relationship like that for yourself
60. You sometimes think to yourself that you would like men more if they were more like women
61. Your heart flutters when you look at pretty women
62. When you have sex with your boyfriend or husband, you close your eyes and imagine he's a woman
63. You get nervous around men very easily
64. You have wondered if you were straight in the past
65. You identify as "mostly heterosexual"
66. Your crushes on men or boys feel forced
67. You feel like you and your female best friend are "practically dating" and are really happy about this
68. You've said "I'm not gay" and it felt like a lie
69. You've found yourself unable to stop staring at your female classmates, coworkers, or friends
70. You think "wow, she's totally hot/sexy/beautiful" about other women on a daily basis
71. You love looking at fashion advertisements, especially lingerie, that feature mostly or entirely women
72. You've thought, unironically, that you would date or have sex with a female celebrity
73. Better yet, you've thought this about multiple female celebrities
74. You feel as close, or closer to, your best female friend as you do to your boyfriend or husband
75. You find men unattractive, but assume they'll become more loveable eventually
76. You feel protective toward women
77. You bond with women and develop strong feelings toward them very easily
78. If you take any sort of class that involves you being surrounded by women in tights/leotards/other skimpy clothing (i.e. dance, gymnastics, swimming, cross-country, zumba, etc.,) you've caught yourself staring at your teacher or classmates multiple times
79. You have an incredibly beautiful female friend and you dislike her boyfriend
80. You've felt relieved when told that women aren't supposed to like sex
81. You consider yourself "bicurious" or something similar
82. You've always fixated on female characters and celebrities
83. You have a beautiful female teacher or boss whom you desperately want to impress, be closer to, or be friends with
84. All your favorite musicians are women
85. The ads that appeal to you are generally ones with female actresses
86. It makes you happy when women act flirtatiously toward you
87. You've a beautiful woman who you feel self-conscious around, and you want to look your very best whenever you see her
88. You live for Ladies' Night
89. When you're on a date with a guy, you think about your female friends
90. You notice women first everywhere you go
91. You prefer to seek women out for friendships, and most of your friends are women
92. You dislike being the only woman in the room
93. When someone asks you about qualities you find attractive in men, you answer something like "facial hair", "glasses", "smile" or something else that isn't sexual
94. You assume that all women are attracted to women, to some degree. How couldn't they be?
95. You feel the need to justify your closeness with your female friends
96. You've dated or crushed on many men, but none of them have been able to hold your attention besides your celebrity crushes and Harry Potter
97. When you've dated men in the past, they later confessed to being gay and you were relieved
98. You dislike imagining yourself in future relationships with men
99. You've had to tell yourself "being attracted to women is wrong"
100. You've made justifications for why you're not a lesbian
101. You've been promiscuous with men in the past because you viewed sex with them as an activity, rather than an act of love
102. When you meet women, you sometimes feel magnetically drawn to them and want to get to know them
103. You go to a workout class just to be near the instructor
104. You've daydreamed about how soft women's skin and bodies are (note that this may not apply to intersex and trans women)
105. It gives you hope or makes you feel happy to hear about two women in love
106. You feel like you would like your boyfriend more if he were female
107. Your favorite movies all pass the Bechdel test (there are two named female characters who talk to one another about something other than a man)
108. You find facial hair unattractive (note that many women have facial hair and are no less valid than those without it, but some lesbians do realize they're gay partly because of their dislike for it)
109. You've felt floaty or giddy from the sound of a woman's voice or laugh
110. You find romantic plots involving one man and one woman boring, unappealing, or repulsive
111. Many of the things you like about men are things your straight friends also like about them
112. You feel excited when another female celebrity comes out as lesbian or bisexual
113. You often have the urge to hold your female friends' hands
114. You enjoy looking at women on the beach
115. You think women are objectively equally as, or more, attractive as men
116. You often think about how beautiful, admirable, brave, lovely, kind, gentle, and kind women are
117. When watching Disney movies as a child, you didn't care about the princes but adored the princesses and always thought about how beautiful and brave they were
118. You've unironically taken online quizzes that said something like "Am I Gay?"
119. There are a lot of posters and pictures of women in your bedroom
120. You've thought that dating women would be easier than dating men
121. Lesbian or bisexual characters are always your favorites
122. You think men look better with their clothes on
123. You've masturbated thinking about women
124. You love looking at women's clothes
125. You've thought about kissing your female friends
126. If you want a boyfriend or like it when men flirt with you, the reason why is that you want validation that you're loveable and attractive
127. You've felt like this exchange describes the way you've felt about another woman (image description: some of the dialogue from the Wicked musical, reading like this: Galinda sings "What is this feeling, so sudden and new?" Elphaba sings "I felt the moment I laid eyes on you". Galinda - "My pulse is rushing". Elphaba - "My head is reeling." Galinda - "My face is flushing". Both - "What is this feeling? Fervid as a flame, does it have a name? Yes.........Loathing! Unadulterated loathing!")
128. When you watch show choir or ballet, you focus on the female performers
129. Close friendship with a woman, for you, feels just as, or more, intense as a crush on a man
130. You crave touch from women
131. You've had dreams about having kissing or having sex with women
132. Your favorite shows, books, or movies all seem to have femslash pairings in them
133. You find tall, muscular, or masculine men unattractive
134. You've found women so beautiful that they take your breath away
135. There are multiple women who you have "girl crushes" on or "would go gay for"
136. It made you extremely upset when someone expressed lesbophobia or biphobia
137. You found it amusing when your father told you that you weren't allowed to date until you were thirty, because you didn't want to date boys at all
138. You idolize those who are seen as outcasts or lead eccentric lifestyles
139. If you grew up in a religion that has nuns or a similar organization for celibate women of faith, you have, at some point, considered joining it
1. Extra points if the women in this group live around other women or spend most of their time with them
140. You feel nervous or apprehensive reading through this list because some of the items on it apply to you

Results:

If you identify with several (meaning...say, around ten or more?) of the items on this list about being attracted to women, there is a good chance you're sapphic.

If you identify with both the ones about not being attracted to men and the ones about being attracted to women, you're probably either a lesbian or a bisexual or polysexual woman who isn't attracted to men.

If you identify with the ones about being attracted to women, but not the ones about not being attracted to men, you're probably bisexual, polysexual, or pansexual.

If you identify with the ones about not being attracted to men, but not the ones about being attracted to women, you're probably not sapphic but you may be somewhere on the aromantic and/or asexual spectrum. 

And, just so you know, being sapphic and aro/acespec aren't mutually exclusive. You can be both! If you identify with some of the ones about being sapphic, and some about not liking men, you might be something like an asexual lesbian or an aromantic bisexual.

If one of the above options applies to you, you don't have to come out right away if you're not comfortable with it. I didn't, and you don't have to either. You don't owe anyone your identity.

 If you have a husband or boyfriend who you want to stay with, you can do that! You don't actually have to have relationships with women in order to not be straight, because your sexuality is determined by who you are and not who you're with. And the idea that men can fundamentally change a woman's identity and sexuality is really sexist, aphobic, and biphobic.

If you don't want to stay with him, that's totally valid too. You're under no obligation to and you don't owe him anything.

If one of the results applies to you, and I know you in real life, please please please come to me. I know you might be scared, and if we haven't gotten along in the past or you've been homophobic toward me, you might think that I won't help you. I still will. I'll help you overcome any internalized heteronormativity you might have, help you find a community, introduce you to girls and women who share your experiences and identity, make you hate yourself a little less. Whatever you need. I've been there, and I know how hard it is. I'm here to talk when you need it.