In studying for the GED I'm hoping to finish this month, I yet again have to confront my love and awe in the face of science.
I'm not even going to pretend I'm not a total nerd. Science is my thing. It's always been my top subject, despite my dyscalclia. When I was young- like, 3, I got this video on the solar system and ever since I was hooked.
For most of my life, science was a refuge, it was where I fled from the church drenched atmosphere of my home life. The beauty of the cosmos, how chemicals interacted, the way life developed- it was sacred to me.
Then I spent a few months as a militant atheist, dropped out of school due to mental illness, and got sick of the looks and laughs from people about a dyscalclic drop out becoming a physicist. I instead focused on my love of art and fashion, of the paranormal and Hellenic polytheism.
After two weeks of being back to science, back to the world, I remembered why I love it. Why I'm in awe. But with every answer comes a new question, y'know? And now I kinda have a question for myself- if I find the world so beautiful and amazing, why do I need the Theoi?
Simply put, I don't think I need them. I don't think anyone needs deities. If I believe in deities, I'm a hard polytheist. I don't think there's just one pantheon- I think there's hundreds of them. I suppose my beliefs are in a way similar to Mod Ari's- the Christian 'god' is really just the universe, there is nothing as vast or as powerful as the universe herself. Then again, I also do view the Christian god as a separate entity from the universe- a kind of god like all others but an arrogant one who thinks himself somehow better. But that's also how I deal with my trauma, so don't trust me on it.
On another level, I strongly believe in reincarnation and multiverses. My belief in multiverses is part spiritual part scientific. Scientifically, it is possible. Provable? Well, we're trying. But the math exists. We can calculate it. I think CERN is doing some experiments right now but I'm out of the loop, so do some searching on it if you wanna read. I know I am after I finish this.
Anyway, reincarnation. That's sort of... there's no scientific basis for it. But I've experienced it. I have past life memories. Maybe they're a delusion, but they aren't a delusion that's hindering my life. I remember them the same way I remember this life. But not all of them are from this world. Thus, I believe souls are more transient, existing more in the astral than in solid dimensions.
Personally, I see the astral as the space between the bubbles of the universe. If you've watched Gravity Falls, the space outside of that is the nightmare realm. If you're wondering why I've considered this in my spiritual work, I'm a reincarnation of Stanford Pines and Bill Cipher is still in my head. I had to consider this to make sense of this shit. (or at least I'm delusional enough to think this is happening)
But really, something that honestly continuously bugs me is how different accepting religion and my thoughts on reincarnation are. I've experienced the reincarnation stuff, but religion is harder for me to rationalize. Perhaps it's because it relies more on faith, and I can't just hand-wave 'well I'm delusional!'. I want my practices, my thoughts to be consistent. I want my spiritual beliefs to make sense with my scientific.
A lot of this is just a brain dump because this is making me super anxious. I consider myself a very scientific person, yet I have these weird, untestible beliefs. Sometimes I want to go back to being atheist, but this time more humanist and without the arrogant ass militant attitude. But at the same time... would I miss the mysticism of witchcraft? The talks and rituals of Hellenismos? Would I miss the lore? I don't know
Roman, signing off
No comments:
Post a Comment