My First Pride

As it says in the title.

So here's what happened:

Last night I found out through Facebook that an old friend of mine from high school who came out as bi last year was thinking of going to Motor City (that's Detroit, to those of you who don't live in Michigan) Pride today.

And I, being the visually impaired hot mess of a human that I am, don't have a driver's license. For this reason I'd always figured my chances of going to any Pride that wasn't within walking or biking distance of me were pretty much nil, because Michigan public transportation kind of sucks ass and there aren't many people around here who I'm out to and who would be both willing and able to drive me.

So, since my parents are out of town this weekend and probably assume I spent the day yarn shopping or at a coffee shop downtown, I was just holy shit here's my chance and messaged her, thinking of saying that Pride sounded like a lot of fun and then slowly working around to convincing her to drive me in exchange for me buying us both food. Which sounds like a date, but I'd never felt that way about her and I'd graduated by the time she came out (she was a grade behind me) so I don't know if she was, or is, attracted to me. I was planning for us to just go as friends.

Unfortunately that plan didn't work out, since she didn't message me back. I'm hoping she just didn't see it but honestly my intentions were probably really transparent. We also hadn't talked in a while, what with school and work and life in general, so why would she drive me to Detroit when she wasn't even sure if she was going?

Then there was Plan B: ridesharing.

I've had alcohol twice before, but I've never been drunk and I've never been the one driving anyone home. I'm also an introvert and a homebody and I was really sheltered and didn't go to a lot of parties in high school, so most of the places I go are close enough to bike to. So never in my nineteen years and seven months have I had occasion to use any kind of rideshare program.

And I have to admit, this plan was incredibly half-assed because I'd made it on impulse. But anyway. I went to the Uber app and discovered that I couldn't pay in cash, which is why I decided to wake up early enough today that I could go to the bank, deposit my paycheck and VA money, go to Panera, buy a smoothie, go to Kroger, buy an American Express gift card, and link that to my Uber account.

And it wouldn't take it. So I decided to link it to PayPal instead and then link PayPal to Uber. Which eventually worked but I didn't know that at the time, so I had to walk a mile in the hot sun back to the bank and link my bank account to PayPal.

What I didn't know is that in order to do that, I needed to set up a PIN so I could do my banking online.

At this point, I was frustrated, hungry, sweaty, unmedicated, sore, and tired. This, combined with my low empathy, short fuse, and default emotional state of vaguely Impatient, Bored, and/or Pissed Off, was a very bad thing.

 And the two bank employees who were trying to assist me didn't seem to do be able to do anything and from my viewpoint at the time they were idiots who were wasting my time and deserved to be fired. I tried to at least be polite, if only for selfish reasons, but they could tell I wasn't happy.

So then I did something I'm not proud of. I started crying.

Look, you already know how I was feeling. And I was looking forward to this, okay? I hadn't had a ton of good experiences with GSAs (the one I was in briefly during my first semester of college turned out to be transphobic), I've never had a girlfriend, and I'm too young to get into a gay bar. So outside of social media, I don't have much experience interacting with other LGBT people specifically for that purpose. It was my first Pride, a place where I could introduce myself as Ari, and I wanted a sense of community and a way to connect with my cultural history as a bi trans person.

I'm also under constant stress. Three college classes, two jobs, learning a new language, being new to adulthood, gender dysphoria, being mostly closeted, and dealing with an ear infection and insomnia would be a lot for anyone to handle. But when you consider the fact that I'm doing all of that while disabled, while trying to live up to abled standards, it's a wonder I hadn't broken down before then.

Before I went to Pride, I could scarcely remember the last time I did anything fun, completely and purely because I wanted to. I either never had the time or never had energy.

I'd also accidentally pushed myself into sensory overload in the whole process of this little journey, and I hadn't had a chance to stim or get somewhere private the entire day.

So don't tell me it's stupid to break down under that level of stress, that I have nothing to cry about, that I was blowing things out of proportion.

Anyway. Crying. I tried to hide it until I was alone, but it was pretty obvious.

And I stayed like that for awhile before I could work out a new plan. I wasn't entirely sure about it, since I knew that I would be completely crushed if this one didn't work out.

But it worked out, even if I didn't get there when it opened like I'd planned. Which is why I have to say: Lyft is better than Uber. If you ever need to use rideshare, Lyft is the way to go.

And then I cleaned up and got ready to meet my driver. Her name was Mae, by the way. She was a trans woman, probably in her late twenties, who was thrilled when I told her it was my first Pride. Also, she liked the temporary tattoos I'd drawn on my arm in Sharpie: a beating heart on my inner wrist for Pulse, a violet on the back of my hand for sapphic love, a pair of bisexual moons near my celadon, and a nonbinary symbol on my inner bicep.

And she dropped me off at Hart Plaza, where the festival was, and explained that when I was ready to go, I should let the app know and someone would come find me.

And then I got into line, nervous at how long it was and ticked when people began to cut in front of me. But I just stepped in front of them. I'd worked hard to get here and damn it, I intended to have a fabulous time.

Not, of course, that I didn't panic a little every time someone walked past and saw me in the line. After all, the first anniversary of Pulse is on Monday, so it's been on my mind a lot - how dangerous it can be to be openly LGBT in any kind of public space.

But that didn't happen today. What did happen was that I saw my old crush from high school - wearing an ace pride flag, of course - with some friends, just as she was leaving. We talked for a bit, she introduced me to her friends, and then we went our separate ways.

So I walked around for a bit, checking out all the booths but hesitant to buy anything in case I needed money to get home. Besides that, most of the merchandise was either things I could easily make on my own, or had obviously come from Pride. And the fact that I had been to Pride wasn't something I wanted to announce to the world.

I checked out the drag show and took a few pictures before putting on the baseball cap I'd brought to prevent heat exhaustion and heading over to a large fountain where people were playing in the water. I set my backpack down, took off my socks and shoes, and joined in, then put my shoes on again and explored some more.

At one point I ended up briefly in the alcohol corner before realizing I couldn't legally drink anything there (as declared by my pink wristband that said I was underage) and I also didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. Which made me realize I was hungry, so I ate the granola bar I'd brought with me and checked out the stalls again.

After that I went to a photo station that was giving away free newspapers called Between the Lines and got my picture taken.

I walked around for maybe half an hour before deciding I wanted to try the roasted cauliflower and peach soda I'd seen on a food truck menu. After I was done with that, I sat down in the shade for awhile, took a few more pictures, and around six I informed Lyft that I wanted a pickup.

And...that's it. I went to Pride, used Lyft, went to Detroit on my own. Pretty big day, and now I'm home with a sunburn that should really be treated, and I had fun but I have homework to do and I'm also exhausted. So yeah.

This is the last post I'll be making for awhile. It's about a big event in my life that made me happier than I have been in awhile (when Danny isn't present, that is) and I hope you like it.